A
female
age
41-50,
*mericanpatriot
writes:I don't know if this marriage is worth saving. I've been married for ten years. We have three children (8, 4, and 1). My husband and I haven't had sex in two years because he is impotent. I still give him hand jobs and oral sex, but I have never gotten anything in return, even though I ask. I resent him a lot for rejecting me; I don't even ask anymore. He doesn't seem to care. He's very controlling and needy. He makes me feel like I have to have his permission to do anything. He belittles the children, punishes them for every little thing. He even kicked our one-year-old in the butt, making him fall down because he knocked over the trash can. He yells to intimidate and scare. I've left him twice, but he went on a hunger strike both times and called me about 30 times a day begging and crying for me to come back home. My family felt sorry for him and told me to go back to him.But my kids love him so much. They love me, too, and they hate to see us fight and put each other down. My oldest daughter wants us to stay together. She cries when I talk about leaving.Also my husband is recently disabled. He has visual and hearing impairments. He can't read his mail. I have to make phone calls for him because he can barely hear. Like him, I am unemployed. I have a hard time finding work even though I've had two years of college (no degree). I believe that it's because I'm very overweight.I don't love him really, but my kids want us together. My husband also wants me to stay, threatens to never let me see my kids if I leave. What do I do? Do I stay for the kids' sake?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (18 November 2010):
 Best of luck in the future, i hope he sticks by your rules for both you and the childrens sake, i do believe you are a good mother so i dont believe you will let your husband beat your children but just keep your gaurd up anyway because if he can kick a one year old who knows what else he could do, as for your bipolar this wouldnt stand in court unless ha had evidence against you, as long as you are taking your medication to control it that is all that matters, good luck in the future.
A
female
reader, americanpatriot +, writes (18 November 2010):
americanpatriot is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks everyone for the responses. I've considered every one of them. It's funny that aunt honesty mentioned that my husband get a hearing aid because not long after I posted this question my husband came in with a hearing aid that his father had just given him. He had never used one before, but now he uses it and hears fine.
As far as our marriage goes, I delivered my husband an ultimatum. I put together some house rules that we all are going by now. Some of the rules are no name-calling, cursing, or putting down, as well as a ban on all corporal punishment. He has agreed to comply by these rules. We have been in poverty for two years waiting on him to get Social Security benefits. We expect to finally get them around January. The stress of having no money has been hard on us all.
In the past he has been using my bipolar diagnosis against me when I went to social services alleging him of child abuse. As a result, the case workers seemed to just lay it aside. My testimony was not worth very much to them because of this, and I had no proof, no photos. Keeping myself emotionally stable for a while will not give him a leg to stand on, so I am going to do some volunteer work at my daughter's school to keep my self-esteem at a healthier level, prove my competency as a mother, and make his "bipolar excuse" look ridiculous. If it leads to a job later on, I am going to set aside money in my own account that he can't touch, in case I ever need to leave. Then I can get my own place. Hopefully, it won't ever come to that. Of course, if he BEATS one of my kids, I will call the police, no matter what, and take some pictures. I don't think he will, though. He knows I won't let him get away with it.
I am very sensitive about child abuse because it's the reason why I married him spontaneously--to get away from physical abuse at my parents' house. So I know what it is to live with it, and I know how my children feel about wanting to keep the family together. I wanted my parents together, too, and if it can be done, I will do it. But I also have the intelligence to leave in an emergency. Once again, thank you all for your advice.
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A
female
reader, LilPixie  +, writes (16 November 2010):
 Don't stay with him for your kids. Yes it will be hard for your children if you split up but it wouldn't be fair towards you to be with someone you are not happy with. They'll be upset but when they're older they'll realise that it wouldn't have been fair.
Let your husband threaten you with the kids all he likes. He'll have to take you to court to get custody and his chances of getting full custody of them is very slim. The court usually always favours the kids to stay with their mother, I guess because she's the one who's given birth to them... Really the only reason you wouldn't get custody is if he can proof you are unfit to be a mother to your children and I'm sure he has no evidence of that. The most he'll get is shared custody or visitation rights.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (16 November 2010):
no you leave and you take the children with you, are you really going to let an 8 year old decide for you? at the end of the day the children will not want to leave no but they will be a lot happier when they are put in a happy enviornment, so get leaflets now on housing benefits and what you are entitled to and leave. dont tell your husband you are going just do it.
I cant believe actually that you are still there and allowed him to kick a baby for knocking something over, this is child cruelty and he should be reported for such behaviour how can you let a man do this to your child its cruel.
If he cant hear then get him to a clinic so he can have a hearing aid fitted in, dont stay with him because you are feeling guilty, if he threatens a hunger strike again, then let him, because this is only him being childish and throwing his toys out of his pram. Get out of this marriage now before he ruins your childrens life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2010): I asked a similar questions a few days ago. Look up the question "stay together for the kids?" Read the comments and advice... that should just about answer your questions. It answered mine.
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