A
female
age
51-59,
*martFunnyChick
writes:Should I stay with Mr. Wonderful or should I go? Summary: I have loved this great guy mildly for years. He moved from another state to be with me six years ago and we have been through much together. We are not married because we are both skittish about the union, having been married more than once each. He owns a house that I live in and pay all the bills for, but don't have to pay rent. He is a gracious, kind, good, handsome man and a great pseudo stepdad to my teens. The problem is, I don't really long for him, miss him, adore him the way he does me. I like him a lot, appreciate him, am proud to be with him -- but everyone loves him more than I do. I feel like a fraud. I find myself staying because he provides stability at an important time in my kids' lives. Three more years and they are in college, but I feel like they don't appreciate what I am doing for them (they think we are in love, why would they?) and in the long run they will lead their lives and I will be left with mine. And he's so sweet to me. But he just wants to play golf and have sex. And I want so much more. But would I be just foolish to throw this away and have to go through the humiliation of moving and changing my kids' lives -- like I did when I divorced their dad 10 years ago?
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female
reader, juliefofulie +, writes (2 October 2010):
 Dear SmartFunnyChick,Love your name! My short answer: cool your jets and commit to yourself that you'll stay with him until the kids leave.You are a mom, and that's a thankless job. Your kids are at least a decade away from appreciating what you've done for them, honey, so take that out of the equation. It sounds as if maybe there's been some chaos for them in the past, yes? Let them have these three short years of stability. It could be one of the things they thank you for down the road.Meanwhile, dear girl, it sounds like you are bored to tears by a union of convenience. I hear so much of myself in your question. It's a bitch when we find ourselves in this position, isn't it? When I am mowing the lawn with an F'ing push mower, or taking the trash out in the rain, or struggling to pay the bills... I often wish I hadn't left the great guy I loved mildly, who was a great dad and just wanted golf and sex. But I wanted more. And deserved more. But I had a lot longer than three years to wait... Three years will float by like clouds on a windy day. In the meantime, you concentrate on you. Take pride in your home. Get into the holidays. Read Amy Sedaris' book on hostessing and throw wacky dinner parties. Take extra care of your appearance. Masturbate. Read. Renew old friendships and cultivate new ones. When you have a night with the house to yourself, drink too much and put on your headphones and dance like a silly fool. Just find you, and be you.And if you need to, think about an exit strategy, one that's compassionate to everyone involved. Keep all of your options open, and don't count out Mr. Mildly Wonderful. I do, ipso facto, promote honesty, and counseling, and trying to work it out. But I do think I know where you're coming from, and it sounds like he'd not the "whole package" you're looking for.Hope this helps, honey. Best of luck to you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2010): this must be hard for you, it sounds like you have everything you want apart from the love and the romance, i can see were your coming from but im sure your kids would understand you if you told them that you wasnt happy any more with this man, you really need to think and imagine your life without this man, would you miss him? if you left him would you go back to him?
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (1 October 2010):
I think it would be a dreadful shame if you two couldn't work this out. You sound like a nice couple! And he seems like a good guy, even if he is missing the mark when it comes to giving you attention. So, before you throw the towel in, talk to him and tell him how you're feeling. Tell him that you just feel like you're drifting and would really love to do more things as a couple. You may well find that if he starts to show your more attention, your feelings will strengthen. Clearly if they don;t and nothing changes, then it might be time to end it. But don't give up without trying.
I also think that you need to do a few things in your life. I don't know if you work or not (you didn't say), but you're sound terribly empty and unappreciated, maybe even a bit depressed. So look at your own life too and see about doing more things for yourself as well as a couple.
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