A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Let me set the stage for anyone who's reading:I've been married for 10 years with children. My wife and I got married at a very young age because of our first child or should I say, I married my wife because of our first child.After that we had another and now after some time our third child was born. I really wasn't sure if I truly wanted to marry her back then but I felt obligated to. I grew up without a father and I didn't want my child to grow up without one too. In the early years my wife and I got along pretty well. I didn't pay much attention to how little we have in common because we were focused mainly on raising a child, now children. Occasionally we had some disagreements which led to major arguments. There have been countless times where "divorce" has been brought up (mainly by my wife) but never into fruition.For the past 5 years I have fallen out of love with my wife. I feel she is not really right for me. She doesn't satisfy my intellectual cravings. We don't have anything in common other than our responsibilities as parents and our financial obligations. She's very complacent with her life; husband, kids, job, home, cars, etc. As her parents are complacent with theirs'. Basically, I don't like the person I've become since I've been married. In the early years of our marriage it seems she somehow changed me from being a lively, energetic person to a lifeless robot. I basically changed to make her happy, which it did. Recently, I've expressed my concerns to my wife and I did tell her that I am no longer in love with her. We have been seeing a marriage counselor but I don't think that's going to work. She has changed somewhat, not to the intellectually stimulating person that I would like her to be or the nurturing mother that I was hoping she would be when I first saw her holding our first born child but she changed in the sense that she is putting up with me and my "depression". She's been extremely smothering (which I can't stand) and has been using sex to lure me back. I do feel bad about having sex with her because now I feel like I'm taking advantage of her....sort of using her. Somedays I can't even look at her or even talk to her. I think I'm at the point where I probably wouldn't even care if she had an affair. I don't miss her when she's not around. I don't rely on her for anything other than taking care of the kids when I'm at work other than that I'm totally self sufficient. Just so everyone is clear, I have not had an affair: an emotional or physical. I just don't love my wife anymore. Here's what I'm planning on doing. This is where I will need some feedback. I'm going to continue to stay married for the kids. I'll take each day as it comes and hope for the best.
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female
reader, NordicWife +, writes (2 January 2010):
I was happy to read you are thinking of staying married. I have seen my parents split up when I was a grown woman and it´s never a easy feeling. Have you thought of picking up a hobby?? Golf or photography that you both could be involved in. I think your wife is really trying it´s just hard for you to fall in love all over with your wife..Encourage her to look her best, take her out, do stuff just the two of you and don´t expect her to satisfy your intellectual cravings if she hasn´t so far,but talk to her, teach he instead. Keep it strong!
A
female
reader, Not My Name  +, writes (1 January 2010):
 It's sad when we ALLOW others to mould us. Yes - allow! You can't blame this all on your wife - you have to wear some of the responsibility for becoming this person you no longer like.
What you can do now tho, is stay put and keep being a lifeless robot - but acknowledge that you are choosing it, ... stay put and shake it up a little by reclaiming the person you feel you truly are, ... or you can move on and find someone who IS 'right' for you whilst also giving your wife the opportunity to do likewise.
If you stay tho, you are not going to find happiness if you don't choose to be the person you believe you can be, ..and that has to come from within and not be subject to external influence or placing blame at anothers feet for what you allow their actions to produce in your own.
You also need to try to stop judging your wife if U stay - coz dissaproval of her as a human basically equates to you wanting to control how another person is - and to do so would make you the perpetrator of wanting to determine anothers free will which is not a fruitful way to be for all concerned.
Not to mention it makes you feel like crap when you are engaging in activities and sex with someone you KNOW you really don't want to be doing them with.
We are ALL guilty tho of at times letting others influence us, .... I am just in a spiritually philosophical mood, and will go back to ignoring myself tomorrow lol. :-)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2010): If you aren''t in love with her, you can still be there for your kids without being married to their mom. You just have to REALLY be there and work out schedules and all that.
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A
female
reader, To A New Life +, writes (1 January 2010):
Many go through "mid life crissis", and grow tired of the life they have and wish for something different. Wanting is different than having.
However, those who no longer love their spouse, and is 100% sure, should "not" stay only to leave much later.
It is kinder to set them free sooner, so they have a chance to find happiness with someone else. Instead of waiting until they are old.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (31 December 2009):
If you don't love your wife, don't stay married to her. First of all because you will eventually find someone you do want to be with and end up having an affair, and secondly because children are very perceptive and your children will pick up that you're unhappy, then go on to blame themselves. Continue with the counselling and see what happens. If after that nothing has changed, end it and move on for her sake, your sake and your kids' sake.
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A
male
reader, empty-1 +, writes (31 December 2009):
You could do that - and likely fail.Has it occurred to you that it is possible she may have had an affair? She may feel much the same way about you as you do her? She may not want to be complacent and contained?It is entirely possible to fall in love with her all over again. It is also possible to get yourself out of this funk that you seem to have drizzled into.You don't need a shrink, happy pills, or the like.What you need is to start something new with her.Start dating her again. Take her to places neither of you have ever been. Read with her. Read TO her! get involved in the community. Take her dancing. Take her skydiving! I think you get the picture. If you want to feel passionate about her, and for her to feel that way about you, start having FUN together!Seriously.When you start thinking of her, out of habit, as a fun person to be around, and she thinks of you the same way, you will rediscover why you dated her before you married her!
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