A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating a widower for over 2 years now. He rarely tells me that he love me unless he's had a few. He takes lovely cards to his wife's grave for birthdays and christmas and this is the type of things he writes ....happy birthday sweetheart, they say time is a great healer but I beg to differ, missing you like crazy, all my love now and forever x x xlove you to bits xxx Her birthday was recently. Do I say something or just move on ?I don't like the feeling of being 2nd best or just a filler until he gets back to her.
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female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (12 March 2010):
I would say tell him as gently as possible how you feel. Script: "I completely understand how you feel about your wife and I really admire how you have never stopped loving her. However, I feel you are not ready to ever love me with the same depth and intensity and I would like to give you your space to really get through your pain; so I am stepping aside for now."
You deserve to be with someone who is 100% into you. Don't settle for anything less. His grief is understandable but you need love too. Ofcourse he may argue and deny neglecting you so get into the specifics of how he never expresses love for you but spends all day at he cemetery etc. Don't leave anything out.
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (12 March 2010):
 Well this might not be what you want to hear but I know that when I get married, I will marry the "one" so to speak, and it will be forever. Even when he dies, if that happens before I go then I will never be able to love someone like I loved him, because you should only marry with the intention of getting married once, and that person cannot be replaced.
I know I probably wouldnt spend the rest of my life alone if my husband died before me, but I would only ever have a "companion" - someone to keep me company and spend time with. That person would never be a patch on my husband, because that is the right attitutude to have when you enter into a marriage.
Its different if the marriage ends in divorce, as you have both normally come to the conclusion the marriage is not working and there have been problems you cannot overcome. Hence why the feelings for the ex-partner will be a lot less than a widowers feelings for their decesased partner.
I guess this has to be your decision - are you happy being with this man knowing that while he likes you and enjoys your company, you will never be his wife that he lost and you can never replace the gap that she left in his life. You could become something else in his life, you might bring new things to his life that his wife could not provide but still you will never be the woman he fell in love with all those years ago, married and spent the majority of his life with.
You dont have to try and replace her, or be better than her. But you will have to accept that she was his life for a long time (I'm guessing) so her shoes are pretty big ones to fill.
This is entirely up to you, and depends on what you need from him, how you expect him to behave towards you and what you want from the relationship. If you want the whole head over heels in love, passionate about each other sort of thing then I dont think this man can give you what you want. But if you want a companion, someone who cares deeply for you, someone that will stand by you, then you might just have that in this relationship.
But something gives me the feeling you want love, you want something special and I dont think you will get this from him. It might be worth talking to him first - tell him how you are feeling and what you want from the relationship. I'm sure he will appreciate you being honest and hopefully he will be able to be honest with you too, and clear up the situation for you.
I hope this helps and good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2010): Some people never really get over their ex partners and this is the case if the partner died. Going by your age and what you have mentioned it seems as if they were married for some time before she died. It is likely that your boyfriend is not over the death of his wife and is still grieving.
I think you have answered your question. If you do not like feeling as if you are second best, then don't.
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A
female
reader, kayla20 +, writes (12 March 2010):
 it takes time to get over someone you loved dearly who has passed away its not his fault he feels this way but if you cant handle this id say move on
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