A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi,Need adviceBit of a tricky one. Been with my girlfriend for seven months Everything is going well.A couple of months ago my girlfriend told me about a past fling/relationship she had with her cousins brother in law she met at a family function. This happened prior to when we were together obviously.What I'm struggling with is the fact that the guy had and currently has a fiancé, who is in the family circle as they have been together for almost 6 years. Ever since she told me I have noticed that she has continued to like his photos/posts, says hello and even talks to the bride to be on occasions and even congratulated them on their engagement. None of the family know about the fling.I am divorced as my ex wife was unfaithful and I have a problem with cheating. Although I am trying not to judge I would never cheat and/or knowingly sleep with someone who is in a committed relationship/marriage, I find it immoral. Now, acknowledging the only reason I know is because she told me I am still struggling to get past it. We are invited to the wedding and to be honest the thought of seeing my partner congratulate the bride makes me sick to my stomach, and I feel for the poor girl. I feel my partners moral character is in question here. I know this sounds judgmental however hand on heart I could not do this.I would tell the bride to be if I was in my partners situation however the family is quite traditional/conservative and would be appalled and shocked that my partner has done this, which makes this harder for me to accept. I would at least want her to cut ties with him completely, communication etc etc. I don't want to go to the wedding to be honest.How much weight should I put on this toward her moral character? I feel someone who can do this does not respect the concept of monogamy. I understand we all make mistakes however the way she and him acts like it never happened in front of everybody makes me concerned.Please only serious opinions - if you think its ok because they weren't married your opinion is invalid to me.Thanks in advance
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2021): I know you're grappling with this because you really like this woman. You've already invested time and emotion; and now you've got to deal with a matter regarding her character.
This isn't going to be an easy choice. Trust is a major component in developing a strong bond with a romantic-partner. You've personally observed the fact she can be around both the soon-to-be bride, and her fiancé; but act as if all is well, and nothing ever happened between them. She feels blameless; because she's not the one who's engaged, he is.
In a court of law, you're not exempt from blame or prosecution; if you were knowingly associated with a criminal, and present at the scene of the crime. You voluntarily remained present the entire time during the commission of the crime. You don't have to be hands-on. Culpability arises from the very fact you were present; while witnessing a crime in-progress from start to finish without bothering to intervene, notify authorities, and didn't remove yourself before the crime was executed. Unless you can prove you were a hostage, or personally under threat; you're still culpable, and considered an accomplice. She knew he was engaged, she still had sex with him, and she knows the bride. She willingly and knowingly cheated on his fiancé. To add insult to injury, she maintains friendly and regular contact with him; smiling to her face, and casting all sorts of shade on the bride. Who is totally oblivious! Meanwhile, you're the poor guy who has to carry this around with you! You can't keep her, neither can you breakup the couple with a clear conscience.
Do you know for absolutely certain she hasn't or wouldn't cheat again, unbeknownst to you or his fiancé? Even anybody else for that matter! She'd keep a straight-face, and you'd be as unaware as that poor bride. If you weren't concerned about that, you probably wouldn't have written DC. It's going to be hard to stand there in silence at the ceremony when the marriage officiant asks if there is any objection? You've got to hold your tongue!
Considering the fact she was at least honest and transparent with you; the irony is, the one who should really know what happened is the bride.
A
male
reader, NoodlyCatastrophe  +, writes (1 January 2021):
 Dear Anon...
My answer is going to be voted down to hell for going straight to the point. Times has changed since 2006. ^_^
While I appreciate the time it took for you to type out your story and the emotional energy it took for you to express that story, at the end of the day, the only thing that matters is how you feel. The context, the details, whether your girlfriend made a mistake, was younger, didn't have the experience or wisdom to make those choices, so and so forth, the only thing that matters right now is how you feel.
It doesn't matter what she does, doesn't do, should have done, shouldn't have done. You clearly don't agree and you clearly feel disgusted about all of this. I can go on and tell you about what I think and believe, but this isn't about my beliefs. This is about yours.
Let's put it simply. Regardless that your relationship with her on the surface feels nice, you have a strong social moral compass. It seems to be a major driving factor on how you go on about life. Then the choice is simple. Tell her you can't be with her. Move on. Of course it will break you up, tear you open, make your eyes water for a bit. You're here not only to vent our your emotional distress, but to find someone who brushes away all of the fluff and just help push you over to what you already know in your heart to do.
So, do it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2021): Your last paragraph pretty much says it all. Clearly this is a deal breaker for you. I would have a hard time trusting someone who would do this. But, you don't say how old she was when this happened. If she was 19 or 20 I could possibly say okay she was still an unformed kid when it happened. If she was 23 and a working independent adult I probably wouldn't be able to get past it.
Only you know what what you are comfortable with. Good luck.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2021): Your last paragraph pretty much says it all. Clearly this is a deal breaker for you. I would have a hard time trusting someone who would do this. But, you don't say how old she was when this happened. If she was 19 or 20 I could possibly say okay she was still an unformed kid when it happened. If she was 23 and a working independent adult I probably wouldn't be able to get past it.
Only you know what what you are comfortable with. Good luck.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2020): The only important thing here is that you do not trust her and you likely never will. This is a good time to break this off and get on with your life.
You are centered on this information and it is leading to a break. All the king’s horses and all the king’s men...
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2020): I'd say find out more about her circumstances when the affair happened. I'm not proud of it at all, but I had an "affair" (this is actually a weird thing to call it in the circumstances) after my mother died. She had abused me since childhood and her death was slow and horrible, over a two year period. I was coping with enormous pressures in my career and was a single mum as my husband had literally abandoned her. I had made a mistake choosing a new partner who I'd been with for around 5 years when my Mum died - he was abusive, totally unsupportive when she died and drunk all the time. Every single day he would tell me several times a day he was splitting up with me, leaving me distraught. When my mother died there was no resolution between us - she left a horrible legacy, after having basically 'trained' my younger sister to continue the abuse after she died. I couldn't grieve properly because my younger sister was so mean and nasty and I had no support. On a very rare night out, I went to a party and I was so absolutely, utterly, desperate for some kind of human support - definitely not sex - that I kissed someone and we met up after that.
We had this very weird thing where the sex was absolutely awful - I mean, he had erectile dysfunction, and he was trying to get into college and get a new job, with no one to help him. Back then, I literally felt like it was my duty to help others before thinking about myself, so I promptly wrote his whole CV, trained him on interview techniques, prepared him for his interview for college and basically sorted out his life whilst mine was in tatters. I put up with the most awful sex ever because I simply needed someone to need me. The ONLY thing I think was significant in all of this is when he asked to see photos of me as a little girl and I showed him and there was a photo of my parents and me. Both my parents were now dead. It suddenly hit me and I cried uncontrollably in a way I hadn't been able to. Something 'clicked' and I started to grieve.
It's some 18 years later now. My life is sorted, I've never had an affair since and never would. I have an entirely different view on life and men now and feel very sorted. But no-one was 'there' for me when my Mum died and counselling just didn't work - it helped me to intellectualise some things, but I needed to be vulnerable and grieve with someone. I didn't even hide the affair. My boyfriend at that time was so mind-bending to deal with that from day to day I had no idea if we were together or not and I was terrified of being alone so didn't have the guts then to leave him. It was like our relationship back then was 'on hold' until I had this weird 'affair' and then realised I had to change everything. People judged me. To this day, a whole community at the college I was studying at still ostracise me, including people I'd really helped. Notably, not one of them was 'there' for me when my mother died, or in any way, really. But they did judge.
What I've learned from this is that the people who judge VERY often need to think of themselves as superior and don't 'dirty' themselves with getting even remotely involved in complex situations. I also think there is sometimes an odd form of jealousy that the person doing the 'reprehensible' thing is seen at an unconscious level as stronger and braver for daring to break 'moral' code - people can't handle that jealousy, so they go for the jugular - not always, but with some people this is the case. The people I knew back then were extremely ambitious, career focused people who also had extreme anxiety about doing well in college. Guess who came out with top marks though? Somehow this crazy, awful experience made me get my act together and really go for it, and I came out winning in terms of academic achievements. I also learned not to 'play safe' in life - in terms of an affair, no, I would not do it again because I know now I need to really know someone and be with them for a long time before I actually want to have sex with them. I was looking for something else - probably an equally vulnerable human being that I could, to my surprise, connect with my grief through.
The fact that you have NOT asked your girlfriend anything about her reasons, what was going on in her mind etc. inclines me to think of you as potentially something like the people who judged me back then. Not a single one of them ever bothered to ask me what was going on. No one cared. They literally were all in it for themselves and that's weirdly, probably why I ended up turning to someone for help.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (30 December 2020):
 You have omitted some very important information, namely how your girlfriend feels about the affair. Is she contrite and saying she would never do that again? Is she brushing it off as meaningless? Is she sorry for the hurt she could have caused? Is she blasé about it? You tell us nothing on that score so it is difficult (for me at least) to have a view on whether this is something significant or not.
I am going to buck the trend here and disagree a bit with some of the previous responses. Many people, especially in younger years, make errors of judgement, sometimes serious ones. "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone" comes to mind. Just because you have never made that error of judgement does not necessarily make you are superior to someone who has. Perhaps you just haven't been placed in that situation? It is easy to predict what you would do in a hypothetical situation, not so straight forward when you are actually plunged into that situation in reality. Please do not think I am, for one minute, condoning what your girlfriend did as this is absolutely not the case. What I am saying is that people can learn lessons from previous errors of judgement IF THEY WANT TO DO SO.
As for being friendly with the bride, well of course she is. What else can she do? Don't think for a minute this means she does not feel terrible underneath. Would you think it better if she had confessed to the family and probably ruined this relationship and possibly split up the whole family? It is not the bride's fault that her husband-to-be cheated on her. With any luck, he will have learned his lesson and won't make the same error of judgement again.
Bottom line: in my view you can't (or shouldn't) judge someone based on one bad decision if they have learned from it. On the other hand, if she thinks it is no big deal and treats it as something which was just a laugh, then that has to ring serious warning bells as that speaks volumes about her moral compass.
Based on your post, it appears you have already judged her and come to a verdict. I therefore have to ask: why are you still with her 2 months later?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2020): I think you need to get over this. People have flings all the time and move on with their lives. And it isn't even as though she cheated on you. Something that happened in the past is really nothing to do with you. I don't see any need for you to be having such a moral dilemma over something that happened within HER life and HER family, a family you have only known a few months! Also, how do you know that the bride doesn't know? Perhaps she does, and has decided she values the relationship enough to stay with the guy. It's none of your business, because you're not involved, besides knowing the big secret. You're probably not the only person who knows, so you don't need to act like you're carrying the weight of the world. You're making a mountain out of a molehill. Just forget about it and move on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2020): I'm inclined to agree with you. It's bad news! It is unfortunate that you had to find-out she had a fling with your cousin's BIL; but it's also a caveat. If she can look the bride in the eyes, and they both act as if nothing ever happened; that takes a pretty shady kind of person. There is a difference between judging out of self-righteousness and discerning character. You have committed to this lady, and she springs this info on you five months in? Her values and morals should match your own.
If your conscience can handle this, then I guess it's fine. If your system of values tells you this isn't cool, I'd be inclined to go with that. Relationships are built on trust, and when you know what someone is capable of early-on; it's best to decide now not later, if she is the right woman for you. It's not your place to tell anyone.
This will stick in the back of your mind. Every time you see the couple, this will refresh itself in your mind. It's almost twofaced to know what you know, while pretending to their faces everything is cool. That almost makes you complicit with those two, by withholding that kind of secret. He cheated while engaged, and that's as bad as cheating on a marriage. Even worse, they're still chummy and staying in-contact. Her character is questionable; but he's even worse!!!
I recommend that you keep what you know to yourself. Telling the bride would open a can of worms, causing all kinds of drama. It's hearsay, and you really have no proof. She could very well be trying to sabotage their relationship. Maybe even hoping you'd spill the beans!
If you do decide to attend the wedding, I suggest you go solo. It would almost be a betrayal to the bride to bring the woman who cheated with her fiancé to share in the wedding festivities like nothing ever happened. Personally, I wouldn't want to go to the wedding either. I couldn't look anybody in the face.
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female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (30 December 2020):
 I think this whole situation has disturbed you in a number of ways and you are trying to decide if you can accept your girlfriend for what she did. You certainly aren't wrong or being judgmental when this someone that you care about. Its normal to assume that people have certain qualities based on their actions. Right or wrong, we all do this!
Your girlfriend has lied and cheated. Neither are actions to be taken lightly. She acts fake around people while holding on to a secret that could truly hurt someone. Thats not cool. I wouldn't like it if my partner did this and I'd really be wondering what kind of a person they really are.
Your trust in her has been shaken. A relationship will not survive without trust. I think she has disappointed you and she isn't the person that you thought she was.
I wouldn't want to be with someone who could lie (even by omission) or cheat and then act so callous and be all friendly with the person that she deliberately hurt!
Underneath it all you more than likely wondering if she will lie/cheat on you. I'd wonder it too. I think your future is hanging in the balance and there is uncertainty. People do make mistakes, that is true but the way she is acting is sad and I'd be quite disturbed by it. I don't like fake people. I don't think you do either.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 December 2020):
 I think everyone has deal-breakers when it comes to partners and other people in general.
For me, someone cheating on me or admitting they HAVE cheated would be someone I couldn't be with.
It is not for you to "forgive her behavior", it's for you to consider it.
How can you trust her? Can you be sure she isn't STILL seeing him? Or that if he suggests it she won't met up with him again?
Even if she goes no contact with him - which would ring alarm bells in the entire family, it's not a guarantee that she won't cheat with him or someone else.
I think the fact that she didn't tell until WAY after you two got together means that she KNEW you wouldn't approve. She KNOW what kind of pain it put you through.
She takes NO responsibility. She is fake around her cousin and I BET you... if things got known she would make it all his fault.
I'm sorry, I get why you feel upset - it does show a LACK of moral compass and just decency in general. Her cousin's man... That is pretty low. And still being in contact to cover up for anyone being suspicious? That is just plain COLD, stone cold.
I don't think you sound judgmental at all. You sound disappointed. Maybe because you know there isn't much of a future here. If you can't trust your partner, what do you really have?
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