A
female
age
30-35,
*gony123
writes:I recently discovered that my childhood sweetheart is having a pretty hard time due to losing his job and his relationship breaking down due to all the pressure of the pandemic. Now I’m happily engaged to be married next year, but I am worried about him and I want to reach out and make sure that he is okay, I just don’t know how to go about this, without it looking like I’ve been some crazy stalker lady. Genuinely concerned about his well-being as I know he has a history with bad mental health.
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male
reader, NoodlyCatastrophe  +, writes (1 January 2021):
 This really depends on the dynamics of your current relationship, as well as your character.
For myself, I would have reached out to an old sweetheart without any worries whether my partner would have issues with it. Then again, my wife and I aren't insecure, nor feel we own our partners.
So in my scenario, I would have messaged that person, and get a feel how that person is like these days, then help out accordingly. I don't care about social protocols like whether he would see me as some sort of stalker, or if this would be awkward between us, or whether I am being a busybody, etc. I'll reach out and if he rejects me, then I move on. Also, if at any time I feel he leans towards me on the notion of intimacy, then I will just make it clear I'm already with someone and keep that platonic connection in view.
I mentioned myself, because I don't know anything about you. So I can only give you my take on what I would do. Clearly, other Agony Aunts and Uncles give you a different take. So we're all just here giving you different possibilities.
Also, specifically for you, at the same time, you can keep your partner apprised. You don't have to go into the details like how your childhood sweetheart vomited into his own coffee, or he crapped himself yesterday, but you can tell him the macro details. This way, on one hand, you can help your friend out, and on the other hand, keep your partner in the light, so he knows what's going on roughly. It's for your safety, and also to keep him sane, if he has any insecurity issues.
PS: I've helped old lovers and flings out in the past, and my wife had no issues with it. It's really just a matter of balancing what you want to do, with what you should do and can do.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2021): Ask your fiance what he thinks about you contacting an old flame because you heard he lost his job and he's single again.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (30 December 2020):
 How about you ask your fiance what he thinks? Perhaps, if both of you are compassionate people, you could contact him as a pair? If you can't tell your fiance about this, then that gives you your answer.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (30 December 2020):
 Amen to what Code Warrior said,
While it's kind of you to be concerned, it's no longer your business and it won't end well for anyone.
You can't fix this for him. Even telling him you worry and care. It won't BENEFIT him, you or your fiancé.
You need to let him go and fend for himself. He is a grown man.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (30 December 2020):
 He is now someone from your past who is currently having a bad time. I know it sounds harsh but I think you should keep the past in the past where it belongs and put your energies in to your current relationship, and your wedding next year.
I feel if you reach out and make sure he is ok its going to transpire in to a frequent thing, and your contact with him will grow.
With him being a childhood sweetheart I think it could cause unnecessary complications with your current relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2020): He's not your sweetheart anymore. You're now engaged. Let him deal with it like a man. If he suffers from mental-illness; it's best he seek help from licensed and trained professionals who can actually help him. Are you a medical doctor, licensed psychiatrist, or psychologist by chance? Unless you are a trained therapist all you can offer him is your sympathy and compassion.
You should keep your distance, and not get yourself involved. Next thing you know, you're stuck nurse-maiding this guy. Your fiancé will not be too appreciative of that. These kinds of situations will drag you into them; and there is no easy way out. Your concerns and attention should be focused on your relationship, not worrying about an ex.
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