A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Need advice, I recieved an email from a girl I slept with about 6 weeks ago, saying she is now pregant, wants to keep the baby and wants nothing from me and is willing to cut off all commuication. I don't know what to do? I am not ready to be a father, I haven't spoken to anyone yet about this. Should I tell my family or take this secret to my grave, need your guidance. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2010): well man I can tell you from presonal expreance that you need to get this handeled now,NOW for TWO reason for is your sanity and then child support, if the child is yours and you wait to long and this women changes her mind you will pay up to 3 yrs a back support, get the dna test. don't be like me and take her word for it that she wants nothing from you. do the test!
I am now pay out 1500 to start for a lawyer so i dont get raped by DES and faceing over 5000.00 back support. GET THE TEST
A
female
reader, Khandi +, writes (4 July 2008):
 YOu need to get to the bottom of this dont brush it off, and think you got off easily, if you get a letter in the mail from family court requesting your appearance you may not like it too much. your best bet is to have DNA test done when the child is born. she can say all she wants that she does not want nothing from you now, obviously because the child is not here yet. but my advise to you is when the child is born take her for DNA and if you give her ANY MONEY AT ALL GIVE IT IN A MONEY ORDER, dont give personal check info. but keep all money order receipts to prove you are contributing, you cant have achild in the world and you dont support atleast financially. In NYC if you dont show up for a child support summons they automatically assume you are the father and make you pay 50% of the living expenses for the child if the mother can show it costs her 2000 us dollars to care for the child than you will be rsponsible for 1000 us dollars a month. this is only the cse where the non -custodial parent does not show up for court as ordered.
but as for you DNA will tell you it all, and don't be too surprised if You are not the father dont send anymoney that DNA does not proove you need to pay!
...............................
A
female
reader, twisted +, writes (28 June 2008):
 Not many people are "ready" to be parents unless they are trying, and sometimes even those who are trying aren't ready either. I'm 30 and just had my first...accidentally...3 months ago, and as a woman, I'm the one who has the most responsibility to my child. The father have been together for a while but it's not like we were ready to start a family at that specific time. Parenting is something that will come naturally and once you spend 1 minute with your child you will never understand how you could have possibly NOT wanted the gift you were given. It's terrifying and I WANTED TO END MY PREGNANCY, but my guy talked me out of it so I feel you and can understand what you're feeling and I had to carry the baby! All you need to do is just be who you have been your entire life but make room for one more person in your life to love. It's that simple, it's not hard AT ALL to fall in love with your child, you will, I PROMISE YOU! You are at the age where you should appreciate that you will have someone to watch grow and when you are old and gray there will be someone who will love you UNCONDITIONALLY. I do have a suggestion for you; READ READ READ, learn what she's going through, you will be surprised what she is going through and sacraficing (and she is!)to bring a child here and you will start to appreciate it more and more. You probably will be terrified, worried and sick the whole time, but do yourself a favor and hold your baby in your arms before you make any decision, because it is the biggest decission you will ever make and will have the biggest impact on you. I never knew my father, he wasn't interested and it sucked and hurt tremendously, try not to do that to one more child.
...............................
A
female
reader, scrazy  +, writes (28 June 2008):
 Well.
Luckily for you, this girl offered you the perfect cop-out since you're not "ready" to be a father yet. She wants nothing from you and is willing to cut you off completely if you want no part of that child's life.
That woman deserves a damn award if you're actually going to let her do that.
I'm sorry buddy, but you made your choice. You had unprotected sex, you got a girl pregnant (not to mention risked diseases!) and I'm sorry, you had your fun, you had to pay for it.
I would be a little more understanding if you were younger (like the 13 year old who knocked his girlfriend up) but you're 41-50 years old. You're a grown man.
You are more then able to take full responsibility for this child.
If you are unsure that the child is actually yours, wait until he/she is born and get a DNA test. If the child proves to be yours, I'm sorry, you have to deal with it.
What are you going to say to the kid when he/she grows up and comes looking for you to ask why you were never around? "I was in my 40's and I wasn't ready"?
The LEAST you could do for this girl is pay child support, it's not easy being a single mother; a child needs both parents but if you don't want to grow up and take responsibility for your actions, then you need to make sure that child has everything he/she needs. It's only right.
Take Care.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 June 2008):
 "A male reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2008):
"Before everyone jumps on this guy, remember that he didn't say what the original understanding was between hium and the woman at the time they had sex.
"We don't know, this woman may have let him to believe that she would not keep any accidental pregnancies."
You're right, we don't know what she said to him about being willing to terminate a pregnancy.
But the fact of the matter is that he has some responsibility in this, and it could happen before, during and after the sex. She could be capable of parthogenesis, but this is not usually found in primates.
Poster, did you wear a condom? If not, then why not?
I think that you've had some good advice here. Make sure it's yours throught the DNA testing, but remember that because you took the action, you need to face the consequences.
It may just be that she's looking for a little blackmail, who knows? Six weeks is very early still, but you should start to work out the worst and best possible case scenarios. I honestly doubt that you have heard the last from her. Take care now, and get some legal advice...
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2008): Excuses and justifications... Mr male reader, anonymous.... You wear a condom each and every time, to protect against disease and unwanted pregnancies. It is 2008, no one can assume they are safe.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2008): Before everyone jumps on this guy, remember that he didn't say what the original understanding was between hium and the woman at the time they had sex.
We don't know, this woman may have let him to believe that she would not keep any accidental pregnancies.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2008): Sorry, damn links... Here it is corrected.... http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-girl-friend-is-pregnant..... Please take a look and know that your not the only one in this situation.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2008): You present as being 41-50 (overage) and currently living in the USA. You had unprotected sex with a woman 6weeks ago. You didn't care about the dangers of sexual diseases (which some like syphilis (sp?) and Aids can really mess up your life for good). You didn't care about protecting this woman or yourself, and whilst you were having your fun you did nothing toa avoid the resposibilities and duties that is the result of unprotected sex and unwanted pregnancies.
41-50 and not ready to be a father... you know you sound just like another poster, who was crying that he's 13 and not ready to be a father (http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-girl-friend-is-pregnant.html) ..... I will tell you what I told him. You did the deed, you had your fun, now it's time to pay the price.
Now unlike that young poster, you don't have to ask your parents, but all the other advice still applies. Take a DNA test if you want and are sure you had unprotected sex with a lying, dishonest, promiscious woman. But if you think you are probably the father of this child you need to support her emotionally, financially with this situation. She says she can cope alone, this is a woman's version of pride. She has accepted her responsiblility for her own stupid mistake and she is willing to allow herself and child to suffer their punishment in silence. Admirable but it is not fair to the child who has done nothing wrong. If you want to deserve the title of a man, you will not allow her to suffer all on her own. You will help and support her. You will pay for the child you made, and try to become a father and a friend. This is what a decent man would do... only a child cries over his mistakes "sorry, but I'm not ready to be a father"... Grow up, your child needs you too.
...............................
A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (27 June 2008):
 Here is what I suggest,
Say NOTHING until you have the child DNA tested. There is a chance that it might not be yours.
In the meanwhile, check with a lawyer to know what your rights and obligations are in your territory. For example, if you start acting like it is yours, start paying for things, etc...and it turns out NOT to be yours, are you still liable for child support? In some areas you are.
Also, is she going to put your name down on the birth certificate? In some states that is all that is necessary to pin a child that is not yours on to you. At this point, until, you know if it is yours or not, proceed with caution and find out about the law. In some states, there are ways to contest having your name put on the birth certificate, and you need to know ASAP.
Lastly, at this point she may claim that she wants to cut all contact, however, this may change. Again, see a lawyer for all the details.
Were you not using protection?
-Frank B Kermit
http://www.franktalks.com
...............................
A
female
reader, lexilou  +, writes (27 June 2008):
 Ok you say you are not ready to be a father, but the fact is this child is on the way now and you will be one in some way or other whether you like it or not. I am not being nasty just trying to be realistic.
If she has emailed you to let you know then deep down she wants you to turn round and say you will support her. Even if you cannot be with her you have an obligation now to at least support the child and pay maintenance and maybe even help her with maternity clothing and baby equipment.
Can you really just forget about this child knowing that one day he or she may come looking for you as he/she has been denied knowing its own father.
You were both responsible for contraception so either you didnt use any, she said she was on the pill etc or the condom split. Even if a woman tells you she is on the pill you should still use a condom. Regardless of how it happened it HAS happened and you are both responsible x
...............................
A
female
reader, dandy  +, writes (27 June 2008):
 Ok so man, you are in a an age that i probably think you are ready and maybe more than ready..i mean if now you don't think that you are prepared to be a father than when you would be??Don't forget that this is your child..I mean it's so wrong not be prepared to raise your own child from your own blood..Gosh..if he comes to you after like some years later what would you say to him?? You weren't ready??He would probably say that if you weren't ready than why you did it from the first place...This is wrong..sooo wrong..My advice is to go ahead, raise your child and be a father..oh and tell all your family about it...
...............................
A
male
reader, no_issues +, writes (27 June 2008):
 Nobody is ever "ready" to be a father. You just do it.
Marry her, or don't. Live with her, or not. For 10,000 years people have raised children together in all kinds of ways.
But the kid, and the mother, are now your responsibility.
Oh, and congratulations! It's a good thing.
...............................
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (27 June 2008):
It's better not to hide this from family and friends.
In 20 years do you really want him turning up on your doorstep and introducing himself to your wife and kids?
Be open now and face the music.
She says she wants nothing from you but I think at 41 -50 you are capable of providing something towards the baby's upkeep.
Good Luck!! xx
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2008): If your 41-50, well I don't believe your not really ready. You can turn your back on your child, but remember that he/she will come looking for you one day and what will you sa?
...............................
|
