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female
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anonymous
writes: So I've met this really great guy. We have a lot in common, the chemistry is undeniably there, and we have a ton of fun. Recently, we've been getting closer - hanging out one-on-one, etc. Earlier this week he got my phone number, and we made a bet on a sports event when we were out at a bar with some friends (the best was his idea). My team lost, so now I have to buy him dinner and go out for drinks with him. We're in a graduate school program together, so meeting new people like this and becoming friends isn't at all uncommon; everyone's making new friends.Here's the thing - the guy has a girlfriend, and he lives with her. So I feel like I have a moral dilemma.Everything that's happened with us so far could be construed as completely platonic - just people in the same program becoming friendly. But it definitely isn't. He's interested, and I know it - he's questioning his current relationship a little, wondering what else might be out there and maybe testing the waters a bit. (we're both in our 20s, so still pretty young) I'd like to keep hanging out with this guy, mostly b/c it's fun. If he were single, I'd probably want to date him, but I'd be happy not to date him and just be friends. I'd never let any lines get crossed (i.e., no kissing or anything) as long as he has a gf, and I don't think he would either; he's a pretty good guy.But is it wrong for me to keep going out with this guy and spending time one-on-one with him? Even if it doesn't get physical, I know there's a chance it could hurt the relationship he's currently in. Should I feel guilty about that?Or is it okay as long as we don't cheat, since, after all, he's not married and neither am I and at some point, if your relationship isn't strong enough to handle another girl showing up and being interesting, maybe that's a problem?
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male
reader, eddie  +, writes (19 March 2006):
 I think you're setting yourself up for a bad situation. You both have feelings for eachother. It's hard to put the genie back in the bottle. Remeber the road to hell is paved with good intentions. The fact that you're even questioning this should tellyou something. Why is he telling you personal stuff about his GF? Why did he ask for your number? Was she invited out to dinner? Why not. You already know the truth.
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (18 March 2006):
 It all sounds on the up and up, and clearly you're trying to do the right thing, but it comes down to this: if you were this guy's girlfriend, and living with him, would you feel like the time he spends with another woman (eg: you) is excessive?If you can truthfully say no, then you're OK. If the question makes you squirm, then you may have to reconsider where the friendship is, and where it seems to be headed.I suggest that you talk to him about it. Keep it light, as in "Does your girlfriend ever worry about your being out with me?" His answer may have more to it than you expect, because it's likely to give you an insight into their relationship, as well as his feeling on whether you're just two students on a similar trajectory, or whether he thinks you're headed for romance.And it could enlighten you to on his general attitudes to relationships... should he ever be free to pursue one with you.
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A
female
reader, juliagulia  +, writes (17 March 2006):
 OK, I don't necessarily think that it is bad to hang out with this guy behind his girlfriend's back. Maybe that makes me a bad guy, but he is a big boy and can choose his own actions and you are not doing anything wrong. Of course, if anything happens, that is another story. And if you think it might, you should back off until you figure out what is what. Go ahead and hang out with him, but if he makes a move, you need to sit him down and ask him what he plans on doing about his relationship. Of course, hanging out with him may make you like him more and you may be hurt if he says he wants to stay with his gf. But, if you think you could handle being just friends anyway, then go for it! Good luck!
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