A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Should I believe him when he says that he loves and respects me, and that cheating was a terrible mistake...Says he cheated b/c he was going through a phase where he was afraid of committment. Didn't want to tell me b/c he was afraid he would hurt me terribly, and he didn't want to do that. He wants to make it up to me by doing everything he can to make me happy. I don't know if I can believe that he "loves and values me" after the betrayal of cheating and the fact that he was able to lie to me and wanted to continue lying to me. I could never imagine lying to him like that, so it's hard to make sense of the fact that he did it to me! Help! I don't know what to do. Is someone who can lie like that, capable of committment and true love? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, ReturningtheFavor +, writes (20 March 2011):
I was cheated on during an 8+ year relationship. I thought like you did and tried to stay with it and give it another chance. I eventually got over the infidelity, which was suprisingly easy and learned to trust the person again, but you deserve better. I beleive in the saying once a cheater always a cheater (as a good general rule) i would consider his other behaviors too, if you generally have some trust issue or if his stories are always kinda questionable, then dont take him back. I believe his excuse is genuine but it is still not an acceptable excuse for this, nothing is. THat being said, you have to do what you what you feel in your heart. I wasnt ready to let go at first so i stuck around for about 6 more months and i knew it was over at that point. So now i can move on without any regrets. Use your head and heart to make this decision! Good luck
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (20 March 2011):
If he'd cheated and come clean immediately, perhaps he could have been more trustworthy. But he didn't. He lied through and through, and thought nothing of it until you found out. On top of that, he blamed it on a feeling that he didn't want to commit - in which case he was selfish enough to cheat and just keep you around.
Personally, I wouldn't give someone like that a second chance.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2011): Many people cannot turn it around after doing these things. But if the person is SINCERELY remorseful AND apologizes AND cuts off ALL ties with the one they cheated with, then YES, it is possible. But they HAVE to stop the lying and secrets and give you ALL ACCESS to their private things like emails, cell phones... EVERYTHING must be out in the open and he must give you the understanding that you don't trust him. HE MUST PROVE TO YOU that he can be trusted. His words were full of lies, so telling you he's trustworthy is not good enough now. He MUST prove it by NEVER being late, calling when he says he will, not shutting off his phone, NO SECRETS, no secret texts or emails... AND no contact with anyone you find suspicious. If you want to contact any numbers or emails you find, then that should be allowed. He has to admit HE screwed up and NOT blame you for it.
I was in your shoes and I got blamed and I never cheated or even treated her badly at all. Some people get greedy and want to have it all. They can't. It hurts other people. I wasn't going to continue being a victim. YOU must set guidelines or he will do it again. Cheaters keep getting away with it if YOU LET THEM!
If he truly loves you, he will stop this BS.
(PS - CHEATING IS NOT JUST SEX. IT IS ALSO EMAILS TEXTS AND CARDS AND GIFTS, CHATROOMS AND SEXTING AND NAKED EMAILS AND TEXTING AND ALSO EMOTIONAL CHEATING OF FEELINGS AND MUSHY LOVE AND CRUSHES BEHIND YOUR BACK). THOSE ALL COUNT!
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A
female
reader, kudzi  +, writes (20 March 2011):
i think u should let him go and move on nomatter how it hurts,i have been in that situation before he cheated on me with a maid and lied about it over and over again until i caught them red handed but i stayed in the relationship telling myself that we can get through this but everytime i looked at him it was tourture,i felt insecure,i couldnt trust him anymore,finaly we broke up,love is all about trust,respect you wont survive without it
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2011): Do you mean should you believe words over actions? This is a denial vs. truth quandry. Which do you want to live in is the real question.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2011): The answer is no!!! I know its hard to trust again. I don't want to sassy break up w him cause once a cheater always a cheater. Remember actions speak louder then words! I would have him give me his passwords for all his accounts and see if his faithful. A guy that won't do that has alot to hide. I've been through a 8 year relationship w a gut that did the same thing. He would cheat then apologize and say it was a phase . Let me tell you it doesn't end. Its a vicious cycle
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