A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey. I am a single mom and so choosing someone to be with is a very important decision. I am not sure if I am making the right one. I am with a man now who is older than me, but not unreasonably so. He is experienced and knows how to live basically. He can do most anything and is mature enough to take care of both my daughter and I. However, in some ways he is immature and our communication just pretty much sucks when it comes to anything important. Sometimes his age bothers me a little bit too. He is attractive. He is morally different from me and so his past is a lot rougher than mine is. It doesn't usually bother me at all, but it's not what I had in mind for my significant other. He is rough around the edges and I am soft all around.Then there is a guy at my work who is one year younger than I am. He is pretty much my moral exact. He seems like just the sort of person I need at my side, emotionally. He is calm and gentle, whereas my bf is abrasive and loud. However, he can not take care of us the way I need someone to. I need a father for my daughter and a good sturdy husband. I don't know if I'm just so damaged that getting taken care of is more important to me .. but I need someone to be there for us. What is the right thing? I feel like I can't take any risks with my daughter's well being in my hands. My bf makes it possible to pay the bills and take care of her and do everything... I just don't know exactly how I feel about him. Some times I don't want to be with him, and sometimes I'm so happy with him it blows my mind. I don't know how to judge a good relationship anymore. If i'm doing the wrong thing by even considering the guy at work, I will quit my job. I will do whatever it takes to start living a better life.
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female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (20 January 2011):
 IF he makes you that upset and you are unable to communicate with him on an adult level without him blowing up at you, then I would say no, do not let him back in.
Yes, you can go back to school. Awesome programs for single mothers out there going back to school and most schools provide day care while you're in class. Go back to school and get a career, you and your daughter will be all the better for it. You don't need a man.
You two get along until you go against what he says and that's not okay. He should be willing to listen to you and your opinions even if he thinks they are wrong. He shouldn't blow up at you because you suggested he leave one of the doors unlocked. Seriously?
YOu said it yourself, your daughter and you both need stability and with him flying off the handle at the dumbest things that doesn't sound stable and your daughter might become afraid of that guy.
Weigh the pros and cons of letting him back in. If I were you, I would go back to school and take a break from him and other guys until you are on your own two feet, you never know what you can do until you try.
A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (20 January 2011):
 Whatever your choice, you cannot let this man back in. You claim he can do anything, that he knows how to treat a woman and a kid. Clearly you have been blinded by his irrational behavior. This is no way to treat a woman and child. In anger, when control is needed the most, he shows how absent it is in his life. Two damaged people can indeed heal but only when both are willing and he is far too unwilling to allow healing of any sort.
I would like to tell you that there are better men out there who would never make you cry. I would love to tell you that there are men out there who would strive to keep a smile on your face everyday. Men who would show your daughter what it is like to have a proper father. And though none of this is far from truth, in all honesty, I think it would be better for you to continue schooling and strive to care for your daughter. Show yourself just how magnificent you are as a person and then, when you know that whatever your current ex has told out of anger is a lie, you can seek a better relationship. But your daughter comes first and to do that you need to make sure you do not invite this sort of malevolence into your life again, so you need to keep this man away from you.
I hope that helps.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhat I meant when I said my bf is rougher than I... He is meaner. He is considerate and takes care of us, but when he gets mad, he is meaner than I can handle. He cuts so deep with his words and it instantly makes me cry. We get along so great until we disagree. I can't tell him anything... We were staying with my sister and they have a bathroom with two rooms, one with shower and toilet and one with sink and laundry room and also cats litter boxes. when he showered, he would lock both rooms. I calmly told him that I think he should only use the shower room because it's possible that while he's showering someone may put laundry in, or that cats may have to poop but would instead use the carpet.. and he got very angry. I was being as calm and gentle as I could beacuse I predicted his anger, but there it was. This is an unimportant concept i know, because I am making a point. it is so hard to talk to him. I know I need a husband and a father... I also want someone who can make me feel good about myself. When he gets to name calling, I feel worthless for days. He is so damaged himself that pity is not him. We are both damaged and I wonder if two damaged people can heal together? Or do they need a healthier individual at their side? He broke up with me three days ago. He took a walk and came back reeking of a cigarette. I asked if he had one and he said "no." I didn't believe him, because I could smell it and he has lied to me before. He claimes to have left becaues he doesn't like being called a liar.
Now he wants back in.
My daughter needs stability and so do I. This man can do anything, eh knows how to treat a woman and a kid and he can live intelligently. I am so hopeless in life... there is nothing more to me than hard work and heart break and I am willing to compromise all my happiness to have someone there to be a good role model for my daugther and help me create a life. Is this possible to do with someone without being 100% in love? Can I live getting only what I need and a fourth of what I want? i am tired of life.. I just want the things that will get is through.. I don't want to be hurt or crying... I've spent 80% of my life crying.
I don't know to let him back in or not. Maybe I don't need anyone. Maybe I can go back to school (again) and pay all the bills on my own while being an excellent mother...
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A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (13 January 2011):
I'm a mother as well, I have a two year old son and I am twelve weeks pregnant with my second child with my current bf who I absolutely love and adore.
Judging who is right for you, especially when you have children, is very difficult. I thought I would never find someone who was what we needed and I was wrong. I wasn't looking for a boyfriend for me, I was looking for a father for my son and I judged how he reacted to my current bf and how my bf reacted to my son.
As cliche as it sounds, my bf and I were friends for two years before we got into a relationship and he loved my son to death (my son's bio father was never there and died in June of 09') and went out of his way to make sure we had what we needed.
Find someone who is good with your daughter, someone who you believe will love her and accept her as his own and will take great care of both of you.
Your current bf, you said that he lacks communication with you and that's not good. Relationships need great communication to survive, is he good with your daugher? Does he act like a father to her? Play with her? Call her princess or whatever? She needs that and if your bf isn't willing to do that or isn't willing to work on communciation with you, then he can be replaced.
I don't know if this has helped you, but keep me updated okay.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael +, writes (13 January 2011):
You are a mother and a young one at that so this sort of internal conflict of interests is natural and expected. What you need to think about is whether or not your current boyfriend is willing to change how he is at times. Perhaps he can change the flaws that make you unhappy at times. There is no reason why you have to leave him, he does seem like a reasonably good person to have around. If you feel that he is not there for you emotionally, you need to let him know so he has a chance to fix it and if he feels anything at all he will do so. As you said "he can do anything".
Your daughter comes first, it is good you have found someone who can take care of you both and I think you are already cherishing that aspect so let it guide your thinking. The other man, while he can seemingly be there for you emotionally, you have to remember that if he cannot take care of you or your daughter, emotions will be warped, there will be much anger and stress later on. This relationship you are in now is keeping you stable is it not? You are happy in the long run because you are taken care of. This relationship has points that must be worked on but then again, what relationship doesn't? It does not mean that it is not a good relationship. You just need to really discuss this with him.
This is a difficult situation, especially for someone your age so be proud that you have gone this far without fail. Just talk to him. Communication is where you should start. Work on that before anything else.
I hope that helps.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2011): Famous quote in my family "It's all about the laughter".My personal quote "Love isnt an emotion, its a person".You find a man that makes you laugh, makes you feel like the only girl in the world even when theres a girl next to you. You cant settle because you think its the right choice. You need a man that is willing to support both you and your daughter plus him. You know that alreay right.If the guy you are with now gives you second thougts. Trust your gut. Your a mom, you should know that feeling.Dont you get it if your little one is hurt? Your body,heart amd mind will tell you.Do you truely like this guy at work or do you like him just because? I think for now you should find a high or higher paying job that you can support you and your daughter. Then you set time a side for dating and time with your daughter. Or again, high or higher paying job.Then get to know both these guys better, y'know dig deeper into them. See what one gives you that feeling every girl shuld want.Compassion, love, butterfly feeling, heart pounding out of your chest.Where things feel right and life finally falls into place. If not trust you gut :)Xoxo Aunts are always here :)Best of luck
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