A
female
age
36-40,
*ittlejamie
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years. I'm not sure if I'm in love with him, but I must be... He's been unemployed for 2 years and gained 70 pounds in 2 years. (The year he was actually good-looking, talented, and employed, he was constantly looking to cheat on me. I would find numbers in his room and he would bail on set plans, saying I had no right to get mad because he was not "officially" my boyfriend... everything but the "title" I guess...) Drugs have been a constant issue. He moved back in with his parents in a small storage room that's more like a coat closet. All our private time is spent driving around in circles. He is addicted to his computer and computer games. He's incredibly lazy and a liar. He lies about everything. He says he needs "encouragement" from me if I want him to get a job, but it's wearing on me. The other day he slept in until 1pm and I burst out crying. I told him I was heartbroken because he wasn't even trying and he told me (in vulgar terms) to leave him alone and hung up on me. His excuse for his behavior is that "at least he's nice". NICE. Yes, he is nice. But in my opinion he had better be. Even his nice-ness is fading. His one redeeming quality (to me) is that we are SO comfortable. I can truly relax and be myself around him. Never met someone quite like him... at least when he's having a good day.A little about me. I have a steady job, and I am currently in the process of building my own business on the side, which I am very excited for! I take care of myself. I'm fit, and I work to stay that way. I'm not going to toot my own horn but I've NEVER been rejected, and never had bad luck with men. I've rejected AMAZING people for my dead-beat boyfriend. All of my friends, male and female, have expressed that they do not approve of my boyfriend and even exclude him from fun events. My parents make fun of him all the time. Could I be fixated on this fat, lazy, loser because he's the only man thats ever given me any trouble? Why can't I just break up with this guy?! How could I be so smart in every other department in life but be so brain-dead over this garbage? Why do I love this guy? How do I go about breaking up with him? I need some brutal, honest, heartfelt advice. Please help. And don't go easy on me either!
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drugs, heartbroken, his ex, liar, video games Reply to this Question
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female
reader, littlejamie +, writes (15 January 2011):
littlejamie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your advice. I appreciate the heartfelt responses to my frantic post. I generally keep my romantic life private from friends and refrain from speaking badly about my boyfriend, even if he's upset me. My friends/family have seen enough to know better when I try to defend him and speak highly of him. When my extended family asks about him I always brush it off and say "He's fine.... not anything I take too seriously. I'm not gonna marry the guy" almost automatically. I know now that I need to put that response into action. I wish he'd never picked up drugs. It changed him. An older soul might say that he and I "were kids together"... we grew up together, he was my first love, he was faithful, smart, talented, motivated, and had the world in the palm of his hands. I'm clinging to person that doesn't exsist anymore. I guess that's really what is so heartbreaking. And that's why it's not going to be as hard as I thought. Thank you again for helping me get my thoughts organized. Cheers to you all!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2011): You sound like you want to be punished or something...Do you stay with him because you like punishment in some way?He sounds terrible and very much an all around loser. And you seem to think you deserve him. He's a liar, he abuses you, and you say his best quality is the "comfort" of his prescence??? Maybe you tolerate him because he just makes you feel useful and needed and you find that comforting?Maybe having to deal with his issues makes you feel superior or more adult in some way?Maybe dating him keeps your own personal sense of ambition comfortably low?You have a self-esteem issue. Having a boyfriend should not be like dog training or raising a feral child. If you are living with him, move out. You don't need to explain it to him. Please get some counseling. You shouldn't beat yourself up over this mistake, but you should learn from it.
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A
male
reader, Illithid +, writes (13 January 2011):
 Not to be sexist, but the stereotype is that women are only attracted to men that never give back, cause fights, cheat, etc and good guys that actually treat women well will always lose the girl to some jerk. You've no doubt heard that,"nice guys finish last." You don't have to let a loser take your time just because he's a challenge. Maybe it's time to insist that he shape up (including getting in shape) fast, or you can let one of those "amazing" nice guys actually reach the finish line.
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A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (13 January 2011):
 A lot of us women have this complex where we feel the need to fix things all of the time, including broken men. That's what you have, is a broken man.
Cheating, breaking plans, phone numbers and the lack of motivation to get a job? He would be gone. I understand where you're coming from, I really do, my son's father did the same thing to me until I put my foot down and said enough.
Your guy knows you aren't going to leave him and that you're going to put up with him and until you show him otherwise he isn't going to change. Your friends AND family both don't like him, that should tell you something.
You said that you can be yourself around him? Are you comfortable with how he is living? No job. No goals in life? Is that comfortable? It's time to step outside of the comfort zone, as scary as that sounds, but it is.
Break free. Plenty of guys out there who will treat you a hundred times better and maybe by you putting your foot down your current guy might step up.
Are you sure it's love? He doesn't sound like a pleasant person nor a "nice" one with the way he talks to you. Are you two "officially" together now or does he still maintain that you have no say in his comings and goings? It's time for some tough love.
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A
female
reader, pixiegirls +, writes (13 January 2011):
 Have you always dated guys like your current boyfriend? Love could be part of the reason you are still sticking around, but many times when we just keep picking the "wrong" guy, it's out of habit. We get used to how they treat us, used to all of their neediness, and their lack of contributing much to the relationship except for grief. It can be easier sometimes to keep going out with the same kind of guy, even when we know they are no good for us, instead of being in a relationship where we don't what the dynamics will be, or how the relationship will work. For some, it gives them an "identity" they can easily relate to by always dating someone who we have to do so much for. Like a job title....you know what you are supposed to do in a relationship that you know isn't good for you. "Comfortable" is nice....when the rest of the relationship is also going okay. Right now, what interests, except for your boyfriend's are really even discussed? I am sure that it's disappointing that not only are your friends and family not encouraging this relationship, but that you also are feeling the negative impacts. Him "needing" you to encourage him to get a job is past ridiculous. His own self dignity and independence should be enough encouragement for him to get a job. Manipulation is like a terminal disease. He will not ease up on it, but only start trying to control situations more as time goes by. In the end, you are the one who will be hurt the most.Is he still actively using drugs? Much of what you have described about him sounds like he may be. Drug abuse causes major depression, low self-esteem, neglect of hygiene, mood swings, and manipulation. Everything wrong in his life he may begin to accuse you of being the cause. Drug abuse and addiction is a problem in itself....one that you cannot fix.It's great to hear that you are planning on starting your own business. I would assume you would like it to succeed. You may want to think how well you will be able to accomplish that if he attempts to sabotage your plans or tries to control how much time you put into it. Wouldn't it be awesome to be going out with a guy who not only supports your new business venture, but isn't depending on you (or trying to control things) to support them or make their life okay?Good luck with everything!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2011): I think the key here is the word 'comfortable' - it is the status quo, better the devil you know, etc. But do you see yourself spending a lifetime with this guy and all his faults. You are wasting time on a loser. Do yourself a favour and finish it. It sounds as if you are pretty near doing that but just need a push.
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