A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Early in our marriage, getting way too challenging, don't know how to handle it anymore.We met in grad school, only dated for just over a year before getting married. We had (I thought) very similar goals in our careers, and we both liked the same things (baseball games, concerts, good food, sunshine). We got pregnant very quickly - 1 month - after our wedding, and things got tricky in a hurry. My wife had always shown some mild signs of obsessive compulsive disorder, but pregnant, she became very unstable emotionally. I researched and found out this was common, and perservered, assuring myself it would work out after the pregnancy. However, after our son was born, the symptoms didn't clear up - they worsened, and we began to fight pretty badly. I felt terrible, because I couldn't figure out what was wrong - she absolutely refused to see a doctor, and only after a major blowout and intervention with her OB did she go see a psychologist, who perscribed a mild psychotropic for OCD, but didn't see symptoms of PPD. The medication seemed to help, but it barely had a chance to kick in...Our luck - we tried to patch things up, and literally the second time we'd had sex since the first conception, we were pregnant again!. She stopped the medication, and the symptops came back with a vengeance. She has become completely paranoid, refuses to pick up the baby (she swears she's going to have a early delivery due to one borderline scan that showed a short cervix, but it has never been measured near that since, doctors all say she's fine...), goes to work but hates it and gets mad or upset at me every day. There's no expectations on her at this point - she never cooked, we have had a nanny since she returned to work, we have a cleaning lady, nice apt, etc - but I can't remember the last time she was nice to me without really making an effort. I feel trapped, I love my kid and my coming baby so much, and I despearately miss the woman I married. I've tried talking through things all the time, I never yell, I try to be encouraging, but I'm running out of ideas. Help!!!! Anyone have some words of advice?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2007): I completely feel for you! I am in a very similar situation myself and do not know what to do. My wife and I got married after dating for only 1.5 years and she got pregnant on the first try. While highly functional during the day (very successful attorney) she is a disaster at home at night and on the weekend. She has a history of severe anxiety, panic attacks and OCD. She has been pregnant for only nine weeks and I am scared she is hurting the baby. We found out about five weeks ago. After the second day she had a little spotting and totally flipped out. She made me take her to the emergency room only for the doctor to say it is too early to tell and that she'd have to wait. Then a few days later we were at a college football game and sure enough, a little brown spot on her underwear and that caused complete hysteria. Another ER visit later and still the same outcome. She refuses to listen to the doctors and always things of the absolute worst possible scenario. She was convinced that she miscarried and cried every single day non stop. The doctors said we had to wait a few more weeks and spotting is normal. Her obsessions are so wide spread and intense I could go on for hours about the foods she can and cannot eat, using the microwave, cleaning products, petting the dog, then touching her, etc. We went to the doctor yesterday and the doctor said "everything looks perfect" He wouldn't tell her the heart rate b/c he knew she would freak out if it wasn't the exact number she wanted to hear. (That happened at last weeks appointment) Yet hearing this doctor who has been practicing for 30 years and is a close friend of her father say that everything is perfect is not good enough for her. She is convinced that he is lying to her and went on and on for hours last night. She calls her mom, her dad, then mom. Anyone who will listen. I am going insane. I miss my wife. She is completely consumed by all of this and I don't know what to do or how to handle her. She stopped taking all her meds when starting trying and refuses to go back on in fear it might hurt the baby. I cannot talk to her without her freaking out and yelling at me, no matter what! I love her so much but this is destroying our relationship. I am here for the long haul and am not going anywhere. It is just so damn hard.I would like to exchange email addresses if you are interested. I think we could use each other's support!
A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (28 September 2007):
 I think at this point you have to wait it out until the baby is born. That is the only thing that is a definite at the moment, her being pregnant.
Since you've identified her issues, and we assume you're correct, your choices are few. You can not abandon her. All the facts about your lives before the marriage, length of time you knew her, speed of pregnancy etc are noted but not as important as the fact that she is suffering form an illness. I'm basing my opinion on the understanding that she has been diagnosed as actually being ill. In other words, if none of this negative stuff had happened, all the information about how long you knew each other would be of little importance.
At this point your are trapped. Although it might not sound great, you've got to wait it out. Pregnancy has a way of playing games with womens emotions many times. Perhaps she'll come out of this in a positive way. Support her and walk on egg shells. Get out of the house as often as possible and take your child with you if you fear she is potentially dangerous to the kids. Be her friend and understand she's in a bad way at this time.
When the time is right, insist she get help. Document her episodes of OCD and any other strange things she may do. You don't know where this will lead but you should be prepared.
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A
female
reader, Enzian  +, writes (28 September 2007):
 Hi there
Hmmm... you seem to be in a very tricky situation. I feel sorry for you, but also resepct that you still are willing to stay in your marriage!
I don't know how to help you, as I'm not a specialist, but I just would like to recommend you to see a professional marriage counsellor of mentor or whatever this is called in your country. I'm not thinking of you going there with your wife because she obviously will refuse it, but seek professional help for yourself on your own to handle your situation. You should do that so you don't despair of that problem and that it won't break you!
Wish you all the best!
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