A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I don't know what to do . I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years and I really love him but the romance has disappeared between us in addition to any sexual chemistry ( on my part) .Recently I've begun to develop feelings for his friend and I don't know how to deal with it . Basically, the first time I met his friend we had a falling out ( as we were both drunk and teasing each other and it got out of hand ) , so we didn't talk for a year and we decided to apoligise to each other. Then we began talking and found that we had loads in common and could literally shut the world out and talk and talk and talk and he makes me feel attractive and alive in a way I haven't felt for over a year . So I began to develop feelings for him and on his last day in the country ( he's originally from Barcelona ) he said that he was coming back to study here ( in 2 months) as he had recently been accepted into a PHD . However , part of his course involves pharmacology ( the subject I'm studying my PHD in). So naturally I offered to tutor him and he said he'd get my details from my boyfriend , As he was walking away from the group he stared back at me and only me ( even though I was standing amongst his closest friends ) and as our eyes met I can't explain it but it was like we both knew how the other felt. I have his email address and I don't know if I should email him about work . Just to get to know him better and see if I'm infatuated for no reason . But then I'm wracked with guilt because I'm betraying my boyfriend by having any contact at all with the friend whilst I have feelings for him.
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (1 August 2011):
 The only reason you have these feelings for the friend is because of boredom and a lack of romance in your relationship, you still love your boyfriend so the only reason you are interested in this friend is because it is new and exciting, whereas 3 years on the passion and excitment has gone.
Think back to when you first met your boyfriend, did you not talk and talk for hours? Did you not have loads in common? Did he not make you feel attractive? Was there not a great connection?
I bet you had all of that with your boyfriend at the start - everything you feel for the friend you will have felt early on in your relationship with your boyfriend. All you have done is forgotten why you fell for your boyfriend in the first place and the friend has come along and made you feel that excitement again. You dont have real feelings for him - all you are doing is projecting the lack of excitement in your current relationship towards someone else who can (in your mind) provide you with that excitement.
This is a critical moment in your relationship - most couples will hit this point in the life of a relationship and it is make or break for most people. You can either recognise that these are not feelings for another person and all that has happened is you have lost the spark in your relationship and you need to work to get it back. Or you can give up on the relationship because you believe it is not working and try and find that excitment elsewhere, but a few years down the line you will end up in the exact same predicament.
I wish I had the opportunity that you have right now - for a whole year with my most recent ex I swept my feelings under the carpet, choosing not to deal with the fact that we had lost our spark. I left it too late and now I feel nothing for my ex, the love was completely gone and it was my fault for not sorting it out soon enough. Without love there was nothing left to build upon, so we had to go our seperate ways. I dont regret breaking up with him, because it is the right thing to do, but I do regret not trying to make it work sooner and putting all my effort into the relationship, rather than ignoring how I felt and dreaming about other men/relationships that would get me excited again.
You still love your boyfriend - you have an opportunity to save this relationship, all you need to do is talk to him and tell him how you feel. Before you speak to him ask yourself a few questions:
1. Why has the romance gone?
2. What was romantic in the past that doesnt happen anymore?
3. Why has the sexual chemistry gone? What has changed?
4. Are you still physically attracted to him? If not - why not? Do you still desire sex and feel horny?
Once you have thought about that, then it is time to sit down and talk to your boyfriend. Chances are he doesnt even realise anything is wrong, you at least owe it to him to give him the chance to change things and make it better. Figure out why you have lost the spark and what you want to do to bring it back, find out if anything is wrong on his part and see what you can do to fix that as well.
Relationships take a lot of work, you cant expect the romance and spark to last forever with little to no effort. But if you do still love him and want to be with him, then you owe it to him to give things another try. The spark can come back, romance is easy to bring back into a relationship and your sex life can be fixed. You just need to tell him how you are feeling and what you want to change, dont just spend your days dreaming about the friend when you can be putting your effort into the relationship where you have REAL feelings rather than a silly crush you have because you are bored in your current relationship.
I hope this helps and good luck!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2011): I get what mrg123 is saying...
However, 3 years is quite some time - of course you'll get comfortable with your relationship. Your BF's friend is someone new and exciting...maybe that's why you're feeling this way?!
What happens if you break off with your boyfriend and get with this new guy... chances are, 3 years down the line you'll feel the same with him.
Maybe you could talk to your boyfriend about it, and take some space. Say 1 week apart with no contact - but make it clear that it's not a free pass to get off with whoever you/he wants. Then you have time to think it through, and see how you feel about him at the end of the week. THEN act on your decision.
Only you can tell what's in your heart!
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A
male
reader, mrg123 +, writes (1 August 2011):
 It sounds like you have reached the stage of loving him but not being 'in love with him'. In that you obviously care for this guy as a person, don't want to hurt his feelings etc, etc, but no longer love him in the sense that you want to be in a committed relationship with him. In other words, I think your relationship has come to a natural end and the fact you have developed feelings for this other person is you subconsciously, as well as feeling the attraction, also looking for an exit strategy.
Personally, if things are as you say then I see no reason why you should continue in this relationship - at the very least you have to now give it serious consideration. Yes, splitting up will hurt your boyfriend but how much more will it hurt your boyfriend if you lose control of all these feelings and end up cheating?
You obviously have a long-standing to this other person as well and your feelings for him have obviously brought about the realisation of how your feeling in your current relationship. In terms of what you do I think you have to have a long hard think about your current relationship and probably end it; then after some respectful time has passed pursue this other guy. Good luck whatever you decide :)x
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A
male
reader, dominic pusel  +, writes (1 August 2011):
 try to improve on the relationship with you guy, i believe there is no flame that cannot be rekindled, if your man discovers what going on he will not only feel betrayed but may end up hating you all his life, what you are doing now is cheating, talk to you man about you failing love for him and possible solutions to it. Pls act wisley.
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