A
female
age
36-40,
*1sha
writes:Hi, I'm in a pickle! I'm 27 and my boyfriend is 33. He is Egyptian Muslim and I am British Muslim revert (but I don't wear hijab or anything). We've been together for 2.5 years. The last year has been horrific!! His mum and sisters apparently know about me but are totally against me as a wife for reasons such as the fact that they don't like British people and want him to marry an Arab Muslim girl. He is kind and loving toward me but for this last year I have been totally focussed on getting married bc I disagree with dating and I want him to make a decision so that we can move forward or move on. Dating makes me feel really insecure bc I feel like he could break it off at any minute if he chooses his family over me and he can't reassure me that this won't happen. We have had arguments every month about getting married and I have been really moody towards him as well throughout this year bc I feel wronged by him. He insists that he loves me and I believe him. He says he would've dumped me long ago when his family started putting pressure on him if he didn't live me. Dec 2011 has been the worst for us. Now every time I see him I am moody and angry and we have argued. Last night was nye and I was so upset I started another argument about 'where is all this heading?' and I spent most of it crying. Then I refused sex a few times (I haven't taken my pill to stop me having sex bc I don't want to have sex while I think he might break up with me any minute bc it feels like the wrong thing to do and makes me feel really sad afterwards). He got really upset and said he felt totally rejected and hugely hurt. Basically I don't know what on earth to do. I love him and our relationship has been really good and happy in the past but at the moment I'm not making him feel loved and I'm just causing him huge amounts if stress and the time we spend together is awful. I want to see him but I always start a fight about this, I just can't seem to help it. He tells me he's thinking about our problems and I'm just constantly nagging him which is not helping. What should I do?? And what do you think about stopping sex for a bit while we sort ourselves out- am I being a complete cow by doing that or is it childish?? Please help. I'm so upset and I can't go through another year like last year :( Thank you
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insecure, move on, muslim Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (4 January 2012):
 If he wants to be sexually intimate with you, let him wear a condom. Why alter your hormones and deal with the side effects for a guy who has strung you along for 3 years?
And I agree with CindyCares. The guy has had plenty of time to deal with his family and their expectations. You've been kept in limbo for a long time now. I'd set a 2 month limit, as she suggests and then, move on.
I hold out no hope for him coming around, sorry to be so cynical but this guy has had PLENTY of time to figure things out. Why are you tolerating being treated like this? Why isn't HE apologizing to YOU for making you feel massively rejected and unappreciated?
This guy would be in my rear-view mirror, personally. Life is short enough....
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 January 2012):
 Babygirllovej, technically speaking the hijab is the least of the OP's problems , in some MUSLIM countries ( Tunisia to name just one ) ) the headscarves have been legally banned from schools and public offices and strongly discouraged in general. What the OP really is not supposed to do as a Muslim woman, is to have premarital sex... :).
OP, wait 2 more months if you wish. Wait 4 ,or 6. But , you are an intelligent, educated woman, you KNOW that nothing basically will change in few months. Other perhaps that giving you time to calm down and enjoy the good,fun parts of your relationship ( I am sure that there are many ) without the stress of nagging and arguments,- and that's important too. But you know that basically it won't solve anything else and that the marriage issue will be left pending.
Weren't you supposed to meet his mother in October ( you mentioned it in a previous post ) ? And ?... I guess it did not happen. You are not even sure that his family knows your real place in his life, they may be under the impression that you are his British plaything until he get settled with a nice Arab girl from his same social class ( there were issues about that too right ?) and something tells me he has not done much to set them straight and inform them that he promised you he'll marry you.
The sad truth is that ANY educated, financially independent , grown up ( he is 33 ! ) man , from ANY religion, that needs the approval and permission from his parents / siblings / extended family, and the tobacconist at the corner too, to get married,yet he's not taking any proactive steps to fight for what he wants .... is not serious about getting married and is just wasting your time.
Therefore, either you give up your expectations and just enjoy dating , one day at the time as it comes ... ( you are right, he has not given you and does not give you any security that eventually he won't cave in to family and social pressures and go along with his people plans for him ) Staying in the moment may have its positive sides.
Or, you decide once for all that you are not going to be strung along anymore, and move on.
Hoping in a 3rd alternative, the one you want,... well, never say never and I'd be happy to be wrong,but I feel it is very very unlikely.
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A
female
reader, a1sha +, writes (4 January 2012):
a1sha is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your responses. They were really helpful and honest at a stressful time. I am going to give him a couple of months to do his thinking and I will try during this time to calm down and stop nagging as you advised. I have restarted my pill and told him I am sorry about stopping it. I think you're right, sex and intimacy are important parts of a relationship and I shouldn't use them as a weapon bc the likelihood is that we will give in to our desires and I'll have to take the morning after pill which would be much worse. If in a couple of months we haven't progressed then I will leave, hopefully with my head held high.
Thank you all so much for your responses. Xx
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A
female
reader, babygirllovej  +, writes (1 January 2012):
 Hello A1sha,I'm sorry your going through this. I understand somewhat of what you are experiencing. I dated a Muslim (Arab) and it turned out to be a horrible experience for me. You claim you are a Muslim revert however you don't wear a hijab. Why? In order to be a Muslim women you are expected to obey the strict dress code. The reason why he will NOT marry you is because their is no way his family will allow it. Are you sure his family knows about you? Did you speak with them before? Even if he did marry you their is a chance he will still have a Arabian (muslim) wife his Mother wants him to marry. Muslim men can have more then one wife. Are you prepared for that? Honestly, the heartbreak and stress was not worth it in the long run for me. I dated a muslim for 2 years before I snapped. I thought I was a muslim revert and I too did not wear the hijab. In the end I realized he was just going to continue to string me along and was going to end up marrying his cousin. I learned much about their culture and it's just not worth it. My advice is to gracefully leave the relationship and find someone that is able to marry you. Someone that has similar values as you. Good Luck!
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (1 January 2012):
 HE doesn't want to marry you.... and his FAMILY prefers that he not marry you.....
WHAT MORE INFORMATION DO YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND THAT THIS IS A STUPID SITUATION....AND YOU ARE WASTING YOUR TIME?????
Good luck....
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (1 January 2012):
 The fear of someone breaking up with you is not a good nor a reasonable motivation to push for marriage. It is the opposite. Rushing into marriage just because you are worried he is going to break up with you is the worst thing you can do to start a marriage.
The key for me in your story is that if after 2.5 yrs together, you are still not secure in believing he wants to continue to see you despite what anyone says (family or not), then THAT is the crack in the foundation of your relationship. There will ALWAYS be people that want to break you up (family, friends, enemies, etc...) Right now, it seems your insecurities about the relationship is ruining what you have.
Also, if after 2.5 yrs together the two of you haven't yet considered marriage (considering both your age), and it has only become an issue because of his family, that too is another red flag for your relationship that has nothing to do with his family.
Just so you know...yes a person can break up with you at any time during dating...but marriage is not that much more secure. Anyone can demand a separation at any time in marriage...people can still get divorce. Anyone can still be abandoned. With marriage, it is a little harder, but it really is not that much more secure like you might want to think it is.
If the pill is what you were using to manage pregnancy, then going off it like you are doing is immature and dangerous. There is a higher chance that the two of you will get pregnant if you give in to your human urges. I sincerely hope this is not your unconscious attempt of trapping him to you.
I think you are right to want to know if your relationship has a future. This is an answer you should have had long before your relationship made it to 2.5 yrs.
I think you are going about getting that answer in a bad way. Keeping him in the relationship, going off the pill, refusing him sex and intimacy, and allowing your insecurities to cause further harm are not good ways.
If you want an answer about the future, and he can not give it to you, then be the one to end it, and move on to find someone that can give you that answer.
I wish you healing.
-Frank
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2012): Firstly, let me say that by trying to pressure him into marrying you when he obviously isn't ready is going to end up forcing the situation that you thing marriage will avoid. The more you push and nag, the more you push him away and the more likely it is that the relationship will end. This situation just happened to my brother, his gorlfriend kept pushing and pushing for him to marry her, he was honest with her from the beginning telling her he doesn;t believe in marriage, and just wasn't ready for it. She kept pushing, and now just before Christmas they broke up because the pressure was too much. He still loves her, but he just can't marry her when he is not ready. I don't want to see this happen to you.Either take some time to calm down, work on your insecurity and give him time to think, without nagging him, acting cold and pushing him to marry you every time you see him, or keep doing what your doing and make your fear of him leaving you a reality. It might sound harsh, but it's the truth. If marriage is the most important thing to you, then end it and find someone who wants to get married now, but if it is as I suspect and you actually want to Marry this man because you love him, take a step back, calm down and stop pressuring him to do something that he isn't ready for just yet. Honestly if he didn't really love he wouldn't still be around after a year of this now would he. Good Luck, I wish you the best.
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