A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This may sound a bit pathetic to people reading this but I don't have any friends.I live at home, with my sick mother and so don't have housemates to hang out with.I have tried to go to social events with different interest groups, etc but everyone at these seems to be over 60 (I'm 25)- I have no problem with older people but I would like to hangout with people my own age sometimes!I hate going to the pub on my own and even then would just look like a weirdo sat on my own.I've tried signing up for evening classes but they've been cancelled due to lack of numbers.There's nothing else in this town, really nothing. I can't move away as I have to look after my mother. It's not a massive tie- I can go out and stuff (although I can never really invite anyone around).I work in another town and there are a few nice people there but as I have to get home to my own town, I cannot really socialise with them out of work.I'm a nice guy (I reckon) and just want a few contacts; people to hang out with, have a pint with and generally just have good times with.I've tried, but failed.I get so lonely sometimes- especially on a sunny Saturday evening. I'd love to be in a pub garden, having a laugh and so on, but instead I'm sat at home...What should I do?Thankyou for any responses. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2011): hello, i understand what your going though i don't have any friends either but i do love to curl up with a good book or visiting your realtives for dinner is aslo a good idea to get out like take a long walk or just read a book or maybe join a gym or do something thatmakes you happy i do hope this helps take care.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2011): hello, i understand what your going though i don't have any friends either but i do love to curl up with a good book or visiting your realtives for dinner is aslo a good idea to get out like take a long walk or just read a book or maybe join a gym or do something thatmakes you happy i do hope this helps take care.
...............................
A
female
reader, Orbiter +, writes (3 May 2011):
Hi, I was in a similar situation to yours with friends a while ago. All the classes I tried to attend were cancelled due to lack of numbers too and there were very few social events/groups near me.
There is some good advice here, I found ringing up old school friends and asking if they wanted to go out helped a lot. Joining a sports club might help too if you're interested in it as they seem to be very popular so you can guarantee most places will have them.
It may seem a bit extreme now but if it really does begin to get to you (which it did me) then just consider perhaps moving to a more populated area with your mother.
There were also some sites that helped me, if you want them message me and I'll send them to you.
...............................
A
female
reader, lonelygirl11 +, writes (2 May 2011):
Just let you know you not alone with havin no friends i have none either. My social life is non existent. Never had a bf ever. So if u wanna chat im here
...............................
A
female
reader, Battista +, writes (1 May 2011):
Hi OPI am sorry to hear about your situation. Caring is a very demanding experience both mentally and physically. It is important for you to find some friends to be able to relax with when you have the time.You've already had a lot of good advice here but I just wanted to chip in. I once lived in a very tiny village (about 200 people) with nothing going on there. One great way we found to meet people was through the local cricket team, which was a short drive away in the next village. Apart from regular matches in the summer there was also a good social aspect, and I met lots of very nice people and made some great friends. You don't need to be much good either for a social side, just enthusiastic. It didn't take up all that much time either, but was a great way to join a network of friends and acquaintances. There was a real mixture of people as well, young and old. I imagine you might find the same with football/rugby/insert your favourite sport here. Every town has teams of one sort of another; I know it can be daunting but it can also be a rewarding experience as well.Good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (1 May 2011):
 Sorry to hear that your Mom is sick. And your remark seemed to indicate that her illness is ongoing and that perhaps you are filling the role of carer?
And it sounds like you may not be based in a big city? If so there may be a smaller pool of people available for socializing.
But you still need some time for you, spent doing some good things that make you feel good.
And the chance to get out and meet people in your age group.
All carers need breaks from time to time. If you joined a carers network in the UK i can understand that many carers are indeed older. But if you check more you may find that they have a division for carers closer to your age group.
Also check out what Respite services are avvailable in UK to give carers a regular scheduled break.
A person who is ill and being cared for can become more needy as time goes on. And for your own health you do need to be able to get some scheduled breaks to do your thing.
But finding new friends, making and keeping new friends?
You mentioned that you work. Can you suggest going to lunch with a colleague at work and start building on some relationships at work to form better friendships there?
To be a friend who others gravitate to, then it helps if you feel good about you. Work on your self esteem. Work out your best attributes but also look at aspects you need to work on.
To be a friend you need some things to bring into the conversation. So think about your hobbies (i know caring plus working does not leave much time). What are your passions? One of my passions is architecture. I have read widely on it. And in a discussion i can hold my own on this subject.
A friend of mine creates beautiful pottery. She has great skills. And she always has interesting things to relate about her passion.
Reading books and having particularly loved authors can allow other things you can discuss with friends.
When you meet someone new the first thing you must discover asap is the name of the person you have just met. Disarm them quickly, confidently, and extend your hand to them. Tell them your name by introducing yourself, 'hi i'm john smith, i'm a (something positive about you) and you are?' smile. Quizzically raise one eyebrow, just a little.
Make sure you get their name asap. From then on use their name in conversation several times. So move on to, 'lovely to meet you Mary, so you're a chicken sexer at Porter's chicken factory? That sounds interesting work. What drew you to that work Mary?'
Listen very carefully to all they say. Reflect back to them what you think you heard them say.
Introduce conversation that builds on where you have things in common.
'I used to go fishing up that way around Porters big lake. What's happening with that lake?'
Go on Amazon and see if you can find some good books on meeting and making new friends. Because the issue of 'after i say hello what do i say next?' is an issue that can derail friendships before they start.
Do you follow any sport? That is a good conversation point.
Can you ride a bicycle? Great friendship are forged in that group.
Are you interested in cars? Another conversation point where you can contribute to the conversation.
Build on who you are.
Read a daily newspaper either on line or on paper. And watch the local news. Be aware of what is happening in your area. More conversation points.
When people find you interesting and positive and also that you are a good listener, but do contribute to the conversation then they want to spend time with you.
If you do go to pubs never drink excessively. It is a major turn OFF
Also shower every day and wash your hair on alternate days. Clean your teeth twice a day and keep your nails clean - as bodyodor is a major turn off.
If you smoke then add in a breath fresh.
Wear smart casual clothing. If you need to spruce up your wardrobe then get a couple (husband and wife team) to come with you and help bring your wardrobe choices up to contemporary best presentation.
good luck
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2011): Yup take up a hobby, sport, something like that and seek out groups that do those activities socially. Alternatively you could just join some forums and chat groups online. They can help and if you're at home tending to your mom, then you have time to meet people that way. Online friendships can be as real and long lasting as real world, 'in person' friendships. There are plenty of sites like blogtv, etc where you can set up a webcam and just chat to random people, or even chat to random people that are there without that. Or you can go onto omegle and talk to people there. There are lots of ways of making friend online.
Another great way is to volunteer your time on a Saturday evening or whenever you can spare it to charities. There are surely a few near you, meals on wheels etc.
The trick with making new friends is to not try, if you know what I mean. Someone who tries too hard and comes on too strong is unappealing. The trick is to just be around. You know? Have a hobby or volunteer your time, and do that regularly and over a longer period of time. It's like work, you just kind of meet people there and they're nice and eventually you end up forming friendships with people. Let these things happen naturally.
For the record OP you may not be interested in joining a group with people that are a lot older but these people have families, daughters, grandsons etc. they can be a good gateway to other people. Plus they're a hell of a lot of fun too. You get amazing insight into life and they have the best attitude towards life, mostly anyway. I mean my grandparents are the ones who thought me to live the way I do. Never afraid to do anything and try new things. They make good friends OP and while they may not be party buddies, you can still have a great time with them.
Oh and you can socialize with them out of work. If you can get to their town to work then surely you can go to socialize too, just means you can't drink if you're driving etc. most of all though, don't be afraid to go to places like a bar on your own. Things like sporting events and stuff are great for meeting people, you can talk tactics, strategies and plays etc. Just get used to talking to everyone you meet, you buy something in a shop the talk to the man or woman behind the counter, ask them how their day is, ask old ladies at the bus stop do they know what time the next bus is and are they having a good day. Once you get over that hump you have of meeting people and being able to talk to them the rest just happens on its own.
...............................
A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (30 April 2011):
 is it possible you could move somewhere WITH her?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2011): Hmmm, I'm only seventeen but from what I've read it sounds to me as if you need a pen pal or something. It seems quite obvious that you'll find it very hard to have an active 'out and about' social life, so maybe you could try a pen pal. That way you can have a few friends online and that you can chat to etc online or with letters (I love writting letters!).Otherwise, I would think that you simply just need to go out more and trust your mother to look after herself for a few hours every week. Unless she really is very sick..but then maybe she could be looked after by someone else - though you might not like that idea at all I suppose! I personally wouldn't trust anyone with my own mother if she was sick, unless it was my dad or my sister..or perhaps a good friend.You know, there are so many ways and places to make friends. I know that at seventeen I'm not really the person to say this but, you're still young! You have enough time to find these people and places. I'm sure your mum would understand if you went out every couple of days to go to a party or social gathering. You say that you've already tried meet up groups etc - I have tried meet up groups too and have found that they're not for me..a bit to much pressure for my liking. I like BIG groups - where I'm likely to find someone who's as interested in me as I them. I've never been to a night club but my older sister makes many 'girl' friends there.Oh and I find that the best way to make new friends at my college is to go over to a new group of people where there are only a few familiar faces, so that's it makes it easier for me to join in the conversation. You say you have no friends but you must at least have 'contacts' or acquaintances that you can meet with. Try to make friends with people you are a little familiar with first - then they can introduce you to a larger group and you can try and find friends among them too! You'll be surprised at how many events people randomly hold - it's just about finding out when and where they are.Oh and don't be shy to get in contact wth people who have actually shown an interest in you first. There are ALWAYS people who notice you before you notice them, and you need to find out who they are too. One other easy way of making friends (unless you have none other than your mum) is family ties. Call up some relatives or something and inquire about things and get to know them. I'm very close with all my family - at least 200 people if not more! Just remember that to make friends you need to put in effort and time. Making friends doesn't just happen when you go out - it happens when you DO things when you go out, inviting people to do thingd with you that are fun. You may not be able to invite people to your house but haven't you ever thought to yourself (when you've tried going to meet up groups) 'this isn't very good - why have they done that? They should have done this to make it better'. You could try having your own meet up group...You must be talented in something so maybe you could try finding a hobby and taking that hobby to a professional group who are based on that hobby - you can make amazing friends if they have similar interests.Oh my haven't I waffled on =P sorry, but I hope this helps somewhat.Kazz,Xx
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2011): Gotta find a sport or a club mate. Even if its a bridge club. someone is better than no one.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2011): Hey, firstly do you have any brothers or sisters that could help share the care of your mother, or any other close family you could confide in?
Have you considered talking to your mother about her getting a home help etc. You may not want to appear as abandoning her but i know that being a carer is stressful business and this would give you more time to make friends.
Do you have any hobbies or interests, sports etc. These are great ways to meet people
If its financially possible why not look into getting a flat near your mothers so you can be near her but be independent
Also why not try looking up some old school friends on facebook and arranging to meet up
Hope this helps
...............................
|
