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male
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anonymous
writes: I am a 20 year old male who has been seeing the same girl for 3 years now. Things have been going OK and we haven't had many major arguments. However, I think the time has come for me to end this relationship because I don't have any feelings for her anymore and I hate being controlled by her. I recently travelled abroad for 4 months and I thought I'd miss her but I didn't miss her for the entire trip! In fact, I really loved my freedom and I'm missing it now I'm back home again.There is no excitement anymore, nothing happens in the bedroom department. And for the first time in our 3 years together, I cheated on her and I don't feel any guilt at all. This seems pretty selfish of me, but I can't help the way I feel. It would hurt me if she found out but it would also hurt me to see her devastated by me 'dumping' her all of a sudden.How do you approach a girl you have been out with for 3 years and tell her that you no longer want to be with her anymore? I'd really like to lower her down as gently as possible so it doesn't come as such of a shock to her. Thanks. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, sappygirl  +, writes (22 January 2009):
 If you don't love her or miss her anymore, you have to think that although it will hurt her, you are doing what is best for her. If that makes any sense.
I wish my ex had the guts to break it off and the balls to tell me the truth. Instead he lead me on for 10 years only to find out he nevered loved me. In hindsight, I wish he did dump me, would have hurt short term and not long term.
Be honest to yourself and to her. She deserves someone that loves her and you are young and you need your freedom to see what's out there. Its normal so don't feel bad for breaking up with her. It worked at one time but now people grow and change and it's time to move on.
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male
reader, macy d  +, writes (23 September 2008):
when you two are alone you say to her im really sorry but i need a break as we need to clearly think if this is working out or not we need a few days to clear our minds and think if this realtionship is going to get better or is it going to hurt us both in the end is it worth carrying on or ending im very sorry but we need to
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2007): If youve cheated you owe her the break up or if you dont want to break up you owe her the knowledge that you have and let her decide if she wants to continue.
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female
reader, ELEONORA +, writes (25 June 2006):
What I really don`t understand is how one loses all amounts of feelings he has for someone that he has been with for 3 whole years???Are you sure this is not just a phase that you are going through and really don`t love her anymore???what if after some time from now you discover that you did a huge mistake by leaving her?-have you thought about that,too?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2006): I am 20 years old. I have been with my girlfriend for only 2 months and I want to break up with her because she isn't enthusiastic about anything anymore. I was gone for a week and fell for another girl and didn't feel guilty. I still want to be friends with her but not anything more. How can i break up gently?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2006): First off tell her you cheated. I just found out today my girlfriend cheated on me and it meant a lot that she told me. Second, tell her the truth. Never lie to her!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2006): don't tell her you have been cheating ????? lets give advice on how to LIE...you people are sick !
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male
reader, Joe_Higashi +, writes (11 August 2005):
It's always hard goin through break-ups, especially when u've been together for such a long time. The best thing to do is just give her hints, even the littlest one so when its time she knows what shes expecting.
Try to get some alone time with her and just come out with it and don't start topic after topic then all of a sudden u finally come out with it, cuz that would just calm her down then kill her after she knows what you're really there for.
Honesty is the best possible way to go for it, just tell her straight out what you're trying to say. Take all the blame for it dont bother saying a word that would seem that your fighting back, cuz clearly your the one breaking up with her so just sit back and take the hits. Its guaranteed that ull be sitting with her for hours talkin what happened between u two. Answer all the questions she has as truthful as can be, and please if ure cheating on her omg!! please dont tell her.
Goodluck
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2005): First off, if you are breaking up with your girlfriend it is of critical importance that you remember two things;
be kind to yourself and be kind to your ex-partner.
Whether your break-up was hard fought or amicable, extending compassion to your girlfriend will help you both immensely in the healing process. Remember that you are both beautifully human, doing the best you can to navigate through this world.
We all know how painful break-ups can be, so when it's us doing the dumping we often try to minimize the pain with gentle hints and little white lies. But quite often our well-intentioned attempts to soften the blow only result in confusion, humiliation, and even greater pain to the dumpee.
Breaking up is rarely easy. You both had feelings for each other at one point, and maybe you still do. The key is to do it maturely, without deliberate pain, so that you can both move on with your lives and find someone better suited for you. A relationship really needs two fully committed people, so if one of you doesn't want to be in the relationship any more, it's best for BOTH of you to end it. That's the key message to get across.
Don't get into lots of blame-finding. There is always fault on both sides in a relationship that fails. Make sure you sit down face to face somewhere quiet. Never break up over the phone or via email, that's completely unfair. A relationship is based on trust and dependability - don't prove you're unworthy of that in the final hour. Sit down and explain it's not going to work. If your partner has questions, answer them as fairly as you can, but without going into lots of back-stabbing. Breaking up isn't about finding fault. It's about you both being able to find "closure" to this relationship so you are able to then move on to a new one.
It's really in both of your best interests to end this cleanly. If you don't, it will come back to haunt you in many ways. If you can both accept that this was simply not meant to be, and that somewhere out there a new person awaits which IS perfect for each of you, you might even be able to stay friends. Or if not, you can look back on your time together as an enjoyable experiment which just didn't work out the way you'd originally hoped. There is no easy to break up with a loved one..just remember to be kind.. and use compassion. The sooner you do it...the sooner she can heal from this and move on with her life. Good luck to you both and I wish you both well.
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female
reader, Wendyg +, writes (24 July 2005):
 Whatever way you do it, it will be a blow to her.. it is never easy to be dumped. If you are really sure that you dont want to be together anymore then, The best thing for the both of you is to be honest. That way you can both move on. The longer it goes on the harder it will be. Nothing but honesty is the only way forward, it will be difficult but for the sake of both of you, you need to chat and tell her exactly how things are, whilst you are sorry you have hurt her you really cant carry on not being honest anymore. It will be tough but in the end it will pan out. Dont cause a row just tell her exactly how you feel and that you didnt intend it to happen, but feel as though you need to make a break for the sake of both of your futures.
Take care
Good luck. x
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A
female
reader, charliesgirl +, writes (24 July 2005):
If your relationship isn't going well at the moment, she will have an inkling. Usually when a partner wants to break out of the relationship they will withdraw and become somewhat cold towards the other person. I imagine your girlfriend will already sense this and be at least partly prepared for the separation. Using the words "we need to talk" is an old dating cliche but it works, and will at least prepare her for the split.The break up will hurt, for yourself and your girlfriend but it is a necessary evil unfortunately. Don't mention the cheating- it will only intensify her pain. I think it's important that you do this as humanely, but as soon as possible.
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reader, communicatrix +, writes (24 July 2005):
 There's no easy way to tell the truth. There's only telling it fully, with lovingkindness (to cop a Buddhist term) in your heart.
Think through what you want to say to her. Maybe imagine what you'd want said to you, were the circumstances reversed. Write it out a few different ways, practice with a very good (very tight-lipped) friend—whatever it takes to get your ducks in a row.
Try to pick a time and place that offers her as much comfort as possible. Perhaps see if a good friend of hers might be in town and available to comfort and console her once you leave (don't tip off the friend; just make sure all of your girl's people aren't out of town on the day you drop the bomb).
Then tell her as simply and gently as possible. Speak to her with compassion, not pity or coldness, and offer to answer any questions she might have then and there. If she rails against you, sit there and take it. If she throws herself at you, be kind but firm. The idea is not to engage in more drama or prolong anything, but to end this in a way that lets everyone walk away with as much dignity as possible.
And then when you do break it off, make it a clean break. Don't call or text or email. Make it clear that while you may be friends at a later date, you feel it's important to have some separation, and don't engage—don't reply to any calls or texting or emails she might send.
And finally, when you do break it off, please don't bring up the cheating. Mention that you feel the heat has died, that you've grown in different ways—any truth except the hurtful, unnecessary ones. Keep her feelings firmly in mind and it will be much easier to do this without a misstep.
Good luck!
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