A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi Aunts and Uncles,So, here's my problem. I'm of white-Asian heritage and my (white) father's family is racist. In the past, they've made derogatory remarks about my "dark" features, and tend to make a lot of negative generalizations about Asians. For a long time, I didn't realize what they were doing because they were quite underhanded in their delivery - lots of back-handed complements and whatnot, comments loaded with sarcasm. My uncle and grandmother are particularly bad. In fact, I confronted my uncle once about his remarks, and he completely denied that he was racist even when I threw his insults back in his face! Of course their racism extends to others as well, e.g. African Americans, Latinos, etc. I'm at an age now where I really feel like I could live the rest of my life without seeing these people, especially as they've caused both me and my mother and her relatives a lot of aggravation. I don't want to resort to shutting them out, but is there any hope of changing them? Or, at least getting them to keep their pie-holes shut? I mean, I'm related to them by blood, yet the still feel the need to disparage my background? WTF?! I'll be seeing my uncle in a few days. I just know that when he lets one of those remarks slip, I'm going to explode.
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male
reader, freeme +, writes (5 June 2011):
 I don't think you should let loose on your family. I think you should tell them exactly what it is they have said that has offended you. Explain why it hurts you. I think if you convince them to see your pain from their remarks, their behavior will change. At that point if it doesn't I would recommend you tell them, "look, I asked you to stop, and you haven't, so I prefer not to see you any longer." You have to stick up for yourself, and coming after your heritage cuts deep. I've been there. It wasn't racism, but it was prejudice and attacks on my heritage from the family I married into. This is difficult. Good Luck.
A
male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (5 June 2011):
 Honey, change does not come easy. So if you try to reform these bigots, know that you'll be the one expending the emotional energy, not them.
I don't waste a lot of time on people who can't treat me with respect, and that extends to blood relatives. But that's me. If you see things similarly then you should be able to cut them loose and put your emotional energy into strengthening the positive relationships in your life.
Even if you can't choose your relatives you can still choose who among them to count as your friends. Good luck and take care!
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (5 June 2011):
 wow that is really obnoxious. honestly, most people who are that full of prejudice and hate have been raised as such and it's so engrained into their way of thinking, that it's hard at best to get them to change their way of thinking.the only thing you can really do is sit down and calmly have a heart to heart with them. let them know that their comments really upset you and that you wish they would stop while in your presense. you're family. flesh and blood. ideally they should stop that way of thinking all together. but if nothing else, while you have to be around them, all comments need to cease.certainly they will understand this. the only thing i can see them attempting to argue is that they're just joking. but you know better. and you know how these remarks make you feel. put your foot down and stand your ground. if they can't stop saying these things in your presense, then you have every right to stop being in their presense all together. hope this helped.
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A
male
reader, Greasy +, writes (5 June 2011):
I'd say go ahead & explode on them - that may be the only way to get through to them. While exploding, add that you could live the rest of your life w/o seeing them - and that ultimately whether you do or not is up to them.
Personally I don't think you can change anyone. For a person to change in any way whatsoever, the decision to do so has to come from that person & nobody else. Perhaps if you yell some sense into them & go on with your life without them, one day one or all of them will be back with different attitudes.
And maybe they won't, but if what you say about being able to live w/o them is true, then it doesn't matter.
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