A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I need your advice. I love two women, one I love more than the other and think we are more compatible and she is my soul mate, but she is not available to fully commit to me. The other one is putting pressure on me to marry her and said that she will break it off if I don't. I then agreed to marry her, feeling frantic about losing her. I do love her, just not as much as the other girl (who lives far away) and am worried that it is a mistake not marrying my number one choice. Could I still be happy in the long run? Please help!
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female
reader, HonningKanin  +, writes (27 August 2007):
 Yep, I have to agree with Redshoes. Even if this girl is married if you can't stay faithful to your fiance now, you never will.I am not saying though that you have no will power. I am just saying with your fiance in question you lack enough respect to stay faithful to her. You may love her a lot but you're not in love with her to stay faithful and that a major part of marraige. Dont fool yourself into thinking that once your married you will stay faithful.You will regret this in the future. You are clinging onto your girlfriend because you are scared to be alone.
A
female
reader, redshoes83  +, writes (22 August 2007):
 i'm sorry, I do understand this situation quite well and I don't think you will like my answer. BUT, you still cannot marry your current girlfriend, especaially if you have been cheating on her with the girl you love more. You will always been wondering...'has she split up with her husband?, would things be better in my life if i was with her'. Tell your girlfriend that you're not quite ready to marry yet and she how it goes in a year. Your girlfriend is being silly to force you into some kind of time limit. She obviously loves you bad and wants to tie you in, but she will regret it if you are not completely sure. Nobody wants to be with someone who has doubts. You have to stop sleeping with this other woman...you never know it might kick her into gear and she may realise she can't live without you.Try not to hurt anyone, please don't do anymore cheating, be honest to yourself, let me know how it goes xxxxx
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2007): I am the guy who wrote the question. Truth is actually that the number one girl is married, so therefore unable to commit to me and might never leave her husband. I am sorry for the little lie, but I wanted your true opinions without being "influenced" by her marriage. I am being pressured because I have been cheating on my girlfriend of 6 years for 2 years with the married girl. My girlfriend threatened to leave and go out with another guy if I don't move to her city and marry her soon. I do love my girlfriend and felt very upset during a 3 week split, I just feel that the married girl and I connect much better and I love her a bit more. I decided to marry my girlfriend because I can't bear losing her and the married girl is not available. Please give more advice, what if I regret this later?
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A
female
reader, redshoes83 +, writes (20 August 2007):
sorry I am probably not in a position to answer this question with any sort of experience in marriage, however, it seems to me that the more important person in this is the love which is far away, you said' but she is not fully able to commit to me'. I don't think this matters. You love her as first choice. If this woman cannot commit to you, then you still shouldn't go for second best. You will regret this. Especially as the other woman is puttiong pressure on you to marry her. That is no way to begin a marriage.
I don't know if you can be happy in the long run, many people could and most couldn't, but I do think that you will end up resenting your second choice girl if you just marry her on pressure, why do you have to marry so quickly anyway? x
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A
male
reader, somewhat_anonymous +, writes (20 August 2007):
Well, you obviously cannot marry the girl you proposed to if you have all these doubts. You have to make a decision on who it is you want to be with right now. You cannot have both or keep either or both of them waiting just so you can figure it out.
Could it be that you are just infatuated with the new woman from far away because you don't know her enough? Are you just looking for an out because you really aren't happy with your fiance? Could the idea of marriage be giving you anxieties even if you have a good thing with her, causing you to sabotage it? Did the new girl give you a peek and you feel like you want to find out more? Do you just want the new girl because you cannot?
These are the types of questions you have to ask yourself and only you can provide the answer.
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A
female
reader, HonningKanin +, writes (20 August 2007):
That is a major tough one.
You might have to ask yourself what are the pros and cons of your situation. ask yourself the following questions...
1. Will you stay faithful to your wife to be?
2. Can you see yourself in 5 years time 10 years time with your wife to be?
3. Does she make you happy?
4. Can you create a happy family with this woman?
5. Are you sure the torment of what could be wont affect your marriage?
If you said yes to all of these you might just be experiencing cold feet and possibly a little trapped because you just might not be ready. A friend of mines husband actually did the exact same thing that you did. He got engaged and 2 months before the wedding he told her he may be inlove with another woman and broke off the engagement. Needless to say my friend was in tears and upset but she let him go. After a month or so he crawled back to her and told her it was a mistake and he truely loved her. The still got married on the date schedueled. He never did anything with the other girl I think he just needed the space.
If, however, you said no to any of them then thats a problem. If you said no to any of them thats your marriage in danger and its a mistake and you need to walk away now before its too late. If this other girl is truely someone you think is more compatible you will need to let your fiance go and live with that decision firstly. Take your time to find yourself and then seek this other woman. Love knowns no borders and even if you are far away, if she truely wants to, will commit to you 100%.
goodluck
HonningKanin
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