A
female
age
30-35,
*inful_thinker89
writes:Hey everyone in need of some good and honest advice because im not really sure what to do or how to feel. So here goes...I have a 9 month old daughter and I have a friend with 4 kids being 6,5,2 and a 5 month old. Now she doesn't work and uses government assistance and cleaning her neighbors house for income. Now I only know her through my fiancee seeing as they were old co workers. She added me on facebook because we were both pregnant. We started talking and she was really nice so we instantly hit it off. My daughter was born in July while hers in January, towards the very end of her pregnancy she told ne how she had no baby clothes for her baby, she was expecting a baby shower but never got one. I told her she could have my daughters clothes because she couldn't fit the newborn stuff anymore and it was sitting in her closet so she came over and picked them up I said oh btw you can have her swing and basinette too since she outgrew them. She was grateful moving on, a week later she had her daughter and her boyfriend adds me on Facebook and writes saying thank you for the clothes. The way she portrayed him, I thought he was out of the picture, she said he has a job and car but isn't around. I'm thinking like why didn't he even buy his baby clothes or anything if he had 9 months for this. Ok whatever not my business! fast forward I bring over more stuff that my daughter outgrew. While I was there i decided to hang our since I was her only friend, so she goes into details about her boyfriend and how he is cheating on her and wants nothing to do with her or the kids. I was like wow and said you know its better to focus in you and your kids right now. She gave me the whole empowerment woman speech I agreed. Fast forward she invites me out I invite a friend we go to the casino and we have a few drinks, nothing to make us buzzed or anything then we go to a club and are dancing the whole night she kept asking to update her status and kept saying make sure you take pics. Then we were walking to meet up with my fiancee at another bar, she was sayin how she drunk texted her ex saying I'm freaky for you and blah, I'm like don't drunk text because you might say something you will regret. So the next day she was saying how he was jealous age went out. I figured her whole reason to go out was to make him mad. So u bring more clothes over to her house and she asked what will my baby wear? I said I have to go shopping. She was like I can't afford new stuff, I said don't worry about it because they outgrow it all so fast anyways. I also gave her a bumbo seat, a play chair and a play mat. She asked if she could have my daughter's car seat since she is outgrowing it, I said yes when I buy her a new one. Again she complained about her bf I said if he isn't helping you financially you should put him on child support. Well today she was saying how he is mad because I'm giving her baby all this stuff. I was upset and said he is a dumbass because its really his job to take care of his kids, If he stepped up to the plate he wouldn't have to complain. I told my fiancee n he asked why am I being so nice to her and giving her everything. Because its only making her feel like she has us to mooch off of and he feels that he isn't the father but taking care of her baby more than her biological dad is. I do feel like she expects us to take care of her baby, what I thought was being generous was actually really helping her make more excuses for her baby dad rather than trying to help herself. What do I do? If I don't give her stuff her baby won't have anything but also she will continue to have her hand out
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female
reader, mooh  +, writes (28 May 2012):
She seems like the kind of person that uses people for her own ends. Stop giving her stuff because it's only re-enforcing her negative behaviour (e.g. you can say that you are still using X item). Have you ever gotten anything nice from her? Probably not.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2012): She is manipulating you into giving her baby items because she knows it upsets her baby's daddy. She is using your generosity as a weapon against him in retaliation for his cheating.Please stop giving her baby items. Do not give her the car seat. Next time she asks, tell her no and that you would like to hold on to the items to use for any future children you may have.Finally, what happened to the baby clothes, toys, accessories, etc. from her other 3 children?! Did she just throw things away instead of keeping them for future children? Why on earth did she expect a baby shower for her FOURTH child when etiquette dictates a shower for the first born and maybe a smaller shower if a child of a different gender is born to the same mother in the future.She expects the government to pay for her and her children, and she now expects you to provide her daughter with material items. Who paid for her to go to the club? Did she mooch, or did she selfishly spend money on herself instead of buying necessities for her infant daughter?
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A
female
reader, Sinful_thinker89 +, writes (27 May 2012):
Sinful_thinker89 is verified as being by the original poster of the question I realized I'm really only doing her the favor and that she needs to grow up and find a way to support her kids without me. If it really comes down to it she will find a way and that I can just store the clothes for if we have another baby. Thank you guys! It was very helpful advice
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 May 2012):
 IS there a Goodwill, Once upon a baby, Secondhand store or Thrift shop nearby? You can find plenty gently used baby stuff there ( or rather your friend can).
You can give her stuff IF you want to. And if you DON'T then remember that you ALREADY helped her out A BUNCH. AND THAT IS OK TOO!
If she has 3 other kids I'm SURE there are clothes that can be handed down and that she has a BABYDADDY or family who can help out too, IT IS NOT your job to supply her for the rest of your life.
Being generous is NICE, but when people take your for granted (and it sounds like SHE does) then I find it so off-putting. YOU are not responsible for clothing her child, SHE IS.
Don't feel obligated. And yes, your BF is right, you are in a round about way "letting" the parents not do their job and take care of their kids needs.
Who knows maybe you want to save some of your baby stuff for baby #2? THAT is your right too.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 May 2012):
 I think that being generous is never wrong, regardless of the worthyness of the recipient. As long of course you don't have to deprive yourself for helping others out, or you don't have to go without to spoil other people .But in your case, you are giving away stuff that your kid has outgrown anyway and would not use, - sure ,maybe it's stuff which could go to other more deserving , hard working young moms, but ,see it this way, ultimately you are helping out a CHILD,not her airheaded parents.
I get your bf's point, though- that you are enabling this woman and her partner, because as long as there's people to help them out, they'll avoid putting their shit together and taking responsibility. It could be, but , ultimately, I think our moral obligation to help, if we can, a child in need is stronger than our moral obligation to teach grown up people how to live their life.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (27 May 2012):
But this is not your problem and not your baby. Further more, you have helped way past any friend should. Not only are you offering but she has come to the habit of asking as well.
The boyfriend is supposed to give her child support. Also you should support your husband's point of view because what he says is true. The things he bought were for HIS CHILD. Not someone else's. It is only natural she has come to mooch off you because you allowed it.
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