A
male
age
41-50,
*j22`
writes:hi, hope someone will help,been with my gf nearly 2 years and we both left long term partners to get together.she's 22 i'm 28. where as i have stopped going out much without her except mainly cos i dont want to, but she still goes out clubbing till 4am with her mates who are mainly guys. although i'm cool with her friends being blokes, most of them would jump at a chance with her and i cant understand why she still hangs around with them when she knows this. every time i tell her how i feel we argue and get angry.am i being unreasonable? i just feel that in a so called serious relationship she wouldnt want to put herself in that position?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2008): You're six years older than she is; at your ages, that's a LONG time; nearly 25% of her life older. I suspect you're on two different pages with what you each want in your life, and she's not yet done with the 'sowing wild oats' business, and you're more or less done. You both left long term partners, so you both weren't ready to settle down two years ago. You sound like you are, she sounds like she isn't. No criticism of either of you intended here. BUT, I suggest you have a long, honest talk with her about where she sees the two of you over the next several years, and how she wants to be able to behave in the meanwhile. If you can't agree with her plans, then calling it a day may be the best thing. You can always get together again after she's had a chance to have her flings, attention-gatherings, etc and is ready to settle down. Don't wait on her, though, unless you enjoy her current behavior. She's NOT going to change.
A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (28 September 2008):
 You can't stop someone from doing as they please. You can reason with them and make your case but you can't control her. In the end, if you had to go to drastic measures to control someone, you shouldn't be with that person. As your partner, she should also desire to be with you. Having said that, she is entitled to go out from time to time without you. You're possibly correct about the other guys too. Most guys will have sex just because the opportunity knocks. That doesn't mean she is looking for it although it would be naive for her to assume these guys don't think about it with her. So it comes down to trust and boundaries. I know some people have friends of the opposite sex but there are always risks. We are geared to be attracted to others, you never know when it will happen, the state of our current relations fluctuate and that leaves us ripe for temptation occasionally. If you encounter an attraction at a particularly bad time of your relationship temptation is more likely.
In closing, there are always risks. One thing is for sure. you can not control someone for very long and expect them to be happy. Happy people don't usually stray so build a solid relationship, maintain it and reduce the risk.
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A
female
reader, michelleAKAmandi  +, writes (28 September 2008):
 Hey there JJ,
No you are not being unreasonable at all. What you want from her as far as not going out like that is to be expected and should be something she feels in return. I can understand maybe she likes the attention she is getting, but she should want it more from you.
Have you asked her how she would feel if the roles were reversed? Have you tried a night out, without her to see how she would react? If you haven't, maybe you should. Mind you this is not to play games, it's merely to find out if it bothers her. In fact, it may not bother her, if it doesn't then you probably have nothing to worry about. If she reacts angrily, then you have a problem. This reaction would more than likely mean she is worried that you may be doing what "she" is doing when she is out, which is probably not good. Sounds crazy I'm sure, but this is a failsafe that has NEVER been wrong in any instance with anyone I know.
I sure hope this helps and wish you luck. You are doing the right things in being a good boyfriend.
Keep us informed of how things are going.
Michelle
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