A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I messed up and invaded my boyfriend's privacy by going into his email and reading chat logs between him and another girl he used to like right before we met but whom he is still friends with even after we started dating. My behaviour was fueled by suspicion, insecurity and jealousy when he asked if he could stay overnight at her place because he would be in her town for an interview. He had another friend he could've asked but chose to ask her instead and knew ahead of time this might bother me but failed to ask me first if this idea would be ok with me or not. I'm not saying this to excuse my behaviour as I know what I did is inexcusable and totally wrong. My concern right now is repairing the damage I have done. He was upset with me but told me he will forgive me in time...but since then, he remains physically and emotionally distant and I am afraid he will never love me the same way as before. He considered the idea of breaking up after this happened but believes our relationship is strong enough to overcome this. I am trying my best to be patient but his distance is killing me. We are in a long distance relationship and I am visiting him at the moment. My main purpose was to spend time with him as my job and all of my friends are back home. It is hard to be patient and find things to distract myself with he was supposed to be my main focus while I'm here. Any advice on how to get through this difficult time will be helpful. I really wish I could take back what I did but right now I just have to live with the consequences and hope that our relationship can return to how it was before all of this happened.
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female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (3 September 2011):
You both did wrong, it wasn't just you. Yes it was wrong of you to hack into his email. But it was also wrong of him to be behaving in ways that very obviously are inappropriate and which caused you to be suspicious.
You were 'big' enough to admit your wrongdoing and ask forgiveness. But he has not admitted to his wrongdoing let alone asked your forgiveness. Instead he's only too happy to say "yes you're right, you were in the wrong to invade my privacy." and leave it at that. he's not taking responsibility for his part.
And then he said he wanted to break up, but no he thinks the relationship can overcome that, but now he's being distant and you have no idea what his intentions are.
This is very one-sided. Instead he's playing the innocent victim and making it all your fault. But that's not reality. The reality is that both of you did hurtful things to each other, not just you.
you shouldn't accept this. Because this is not how healthy relationships are supposed to work. This is how manipulative relationships work, and such relationships are unstable and cause much pain and often end.
A
female
reader, thinkb4  +, writes (2 September 2011):
If you walked in on them would you then apologize for being there at the wrong time? It sounds like you would. You are better than is.
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A
female
reader, green eyed mulatto +, writes (2 September 2011):
 I agree with you wish, While what you did was wrong if you didn't have a reason to go there you probably wouldn't have so i say that you should let this relationship go...he obviously is up to something that he didn't want out to know about and like she said really? the only place he could of stayed was his ex's house please for all you know he could of had sex with her and you would never know. And that could be the reason he's being distant, not because of what you did but what hes done i say drop him and find someone you can trust good luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2011): He's in the wrong and he's showing blatant signs he shouldn't be trusted. It's not right what you did but through my own experience and hearing others' regarding this, when you find yourself at the point where you are invading privacy for answers, the relationship is not right. It's obvious he is not committed, at least in the monogomous sense. If you want a guy true only to you, don't do an LDR and walk away from guys who keep in touch with past interests. They are usually not in the past.
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A
male
reader, $izZle  +, writes (2 September 2011):
 Hi, I know how you must be feeling at this moment it is not easy I'm sorry to hear about what happen between you two... however inexcusable your action might have been, it is wrong of him to blame it on you ... coz what you did is without doubt what anyone in your shoe would have done, if it were him in your place he would have done the same if you would have told him that you are spending a night at your ex. The way I look at it he has no respect towards you nor does he have any compassion towards your feelings. When he knows that he has done wrong he should have apologized to you and not play the old blame game. Further more he should have known that he drove you to do what you did and should have forgiven you asked you for forgiveness for what he did also ... well if you ask me I wouldn't bother with him but I can understand when you love some1 no matter how much you try you just don't feel like letting them go ... I have been there :( Staying with him you will not be happy and I don't think it will last very long knowing that he doesn't respect nor value your love ... I feel that you should find some 1 that will love you with not just his heart but through his actions also so that you are never hurt ... when in love you treasure every moment with that person and care not to make them hurt. Please take care :)
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (2 September 2011):
 I have good advice. Drop this guy.
Did you screw up by invading his privacy? Yes you did. However, it should never have even gotten to that point.
This guy has the nerve to ask YOU if he can sleep over at an ex's place? Who CARES if he had an interview! Are there no hotels that are open? Of all the people he had to spend the night with, it was an ex? He had a lot of nerve asking a question like that of you.
He's also long distance. This relationship is doomed, and it's unfair that you're the one being raked through the coals when obviously, he IS untrustworthy!
Next time, don't ever let it get to the point where you're rifling through a guy's things. If he's asking to spend the night at an ex's, that's all the proof you need. No snooping necessary. Just drop him flat and find a guy close to you who doesn't still have a thing about his ex.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2011): Well, that is a big trust issue. I don't know if he will get over it. But you also have a big trust issue too. I would not be okay with my husband staying the night at another woman's house unless she was a relative (like mom, aunt, cousin, sister...) And I know he would not be okay with me staying at another man's house, either.
I think you both overstepped a boundry and you both need to work on rebuilding trust. If you really want to rebuild just continue to be loving and open to him as much as you can. Since your relationship is already long distance I don't know how successful it will be.
Patience and constantly proving that you won't do it again is all you can do.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2011): well under the circumstances i see why you snooped and i aint totaly convinced he wouldnt do the same. to put it as i see whats written if he isnt wishing there was more,he will find it very difficult to get someone who will let it continue. I will tell you from a mans pov,that if i was in your position i would expect more understanding. He is making you jealous and you have a right to be. Who wouldnt? He is ruining it in my opinion.
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A
female
reader, Curlycarlyx3 +, writes (2 September 2011):
honestly- i would NOT be okay with my boyfriend doing that at all. maybe he's acting distant cause he likes this girl.... did you still let him go stay with her?? i would have sat down and talked to him about WHY he wants to stay with her in particular when there are other people he can stay with... just sounds weird to me..
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