A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I used to think Karma was an old wise tale until it made it's way to me. I lost count of how many heart's I broke after over 30. I guess you could say it never bothered me or made me feel remorse or guilt since I hadn't experienced it. I never quite understood all the tears and hate the girls carried for me until Memorial Day 2009 the night I caught my fiancé in bed with a man WHO WASN'T ME. I couldn't cope. Quit my job, loss my condo, car. Drank away my savings, found comfort in cocaine. Disowned by many friends, my youngest brother and middle sis. I was the perfect example for loser. I was known at all of the local bars and again hated by women for powing them then moving the next night to pow the next. V the bartender at the bar I hit most was a sweetie pie. She was out of place. Not the type you'd imagine in a bar. A southern belle fresh picking. I fancied her but she had a innocent sparkle which protected her from my usem loosem way. She looking a big likening to me. I blew her off she was getting that part of me that the fiancé stomped. I gave her nothing for 2 yrs. I only intended to protect her from my bad way. I went in the bar two mos to the day and wasn't met with her smile. Some older man. New bartender gutted me. Boss man hired him cause Val left town. Moved in with that fella she occasionally mentioned. This heart broken came a surprise. After val is gone. My ex fiancé is throwing herself at me. Val is the love of my life. I wanna tell her now that she's gone. I've not as much shook her hand but I fell in love with her nightly welcoming smile every time I docked through tavern door. I haven't had a sip of liquor since val last poured me my last drink. Is it to late for me to let her know how much she means to me? I didn't know it when I had her. There were so many signs.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2011): Howdy folks questioneer here. First off thanks for the thoughts and what I should due. I have to make straight on a few points. I'm a man. I hit the gender box to fast and messed up with clicking on female. Okie dokie next thing I didn't have sex with Val. I wanted to but like I said she was a southern sweetie pie and couldn't bring myself to my bad way. I guess I can say val gave me that good man feeling sorta like the fiancee leaving me in a tissy kinda way. The fiance got to me different from the other gals. I tucked me tail between my legs for gal and that val had me doing it a second time. Those other gals didn't cower me so.they didn't heart broken me either. So that kinda gal that can put my tail between my legs might be in the bed with a fella that's not me like the fiancee stuck it to me. Val didn't hide her liking relation with me but I would just change up the flirting cause she's a belle I couldn't say I had the same feeling when I wasn't sure if I'd be mad at her cause the way the fiance stuck me. Val held my head high and that's the feeling I didn't want my bad way to do way with. Val use get little teary eyed when I didn't show her feelings but I had to be the right suitable man for val. It wouldn't be gentlemenly if I had told my feelings when I was drinking away the fiance. I never had the drinking problem or cocaine in me before the fiance made me a whimp cry baby. How'd that be on a fello to cry like he's ak duckling so I drank and shot liquor to make me strong. I'm clean and sober since Val gallanted living away with that fella. I wasn't in the good way back then. I want Val to look at me and keep a liken for me now to notice me finsh with the fiancee and how I am right now like before the fiance was sexing a another man the water bed I got her last 2010. What if I don't tell her how I have a liking for her when she keep flirting with being wifey for me. Just not val to up and go without word. I feel like this val will have heartbroken if she finds out I have a strong liking for her years down the road after she takes a leap and family with that fella or different fella. I feel strong like I owe her at least the news that I have the same liking. Should I hunt her up and open up my chest?
A
male
reader, foolishsage  +, writes (17 January 2011):
 You've stated that you've disowned friends, a brother and a sister when you fell apart and took up w/ the cocaine and alcohol. Have you made any attempts at mending those relationships?
Please consider that even if she spoke to you in a very friendly manner that she's there to earn money by making tips - she's quite likely to be very engaging to many of the bar patrons - particularly those that frequent the establishment. It didn't mean that she had an interest in you.
Unfortunately, you're also likely in a position of associating the feeling of a few drinks with her presence and it's likely that the two things are so muddled that it's likely near to impossible to distinguish what your feelings are and where specifically, they come from. It may not have been chemistry between you and Val - it was likely your chemically induced version of reality.
Please don't be irresponsible and go off trying to find her now that she's living with another man that she DID mention to you a few times. If you actually care about her and respect her in any way, let her go live her life and be happy. If you do anything that could cause any damage to her relationship, then you're simply being selfish and reckless.
Time to start over, amigo - and you can at the very least be proud of yourself that you never did the "use em & lose em" thing with her. That's a good starting point. It shows that you are capable of showing respect to others. Use that to bring your true self back and build on it.
If your counted conquests are as high as you say, then when you are ready for a relationship, I don't think that you'll have difficulty finding someone - just please be careful of their hearts and respectful of your own.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (17 January 2011):
 Well, considering you say you have never as much as shook her hand I dont understand why you say you never knew what you had until you lost her.
You never had her.
Your profile is listed as Irish female, have you considered that as Val has moved off with a MAN she just isnt into girlies?
Maybe your fiance also found she wasnt into people who couldnt work out what their gender is.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2011): Then perhaps it wasnt meant to be. Besides watching her pour you drinks and enjoying her smile, how well do you know Val? If you think you are inlove with her because you slept with her a few times and just saw her at a bar where you would get drunk at...I don't think that sounds too legit.
You should focus right now on getting yourself clean, off the drugs and alcohol. It sounds like it is very excessive in your life. So much so that it might be making your memory and thought process real fuzzy and cloudy.
If you don't ask for help and try to get off the substance abuse it is only going to get worse. Do you want to be a "loser?" Forget Val right now...
In fact forget all ladies right now. You got to think of you right now. Sounds like you are falling apart. I cannot even begin to imagine catching my fiance with another woman. That would break me to pieces. But I know SO many people who have had tragic endings to relationships. A friend of mine's fiance tragically died in a car accident before they married. Not a day goes by that she doesn't remember her fiance but she has moved on since. She gave me very valuable advice. I had just broken up with a guy I was dating and I was real sad. After what she had been through she said to me, "Life is unpredictable. Look what happened to me? You can't just fall apart when shit happens with your lover. You just can't."
Call your folks, confide in a close friend. Check yourself somewhere and get yourself treatment for your depression and substance abuse. Excessive alcohol is SO bad for you. It is going to ruin your liver. You are going to start to smell badly. It kills your brain cells. It dehydrates you and will cause premature aging. Your skin will start looking dry, scaly and parched. And cocaine is SO addictive. It is not a habit that you want to continue if you can help it.
So your priority right now is to kick these habits and at the same time work through the turmoil that your fiance cheating/leaving has caused you. I mean maybe you took this girl Val for granted or whatever but you were going through a rough time. And furthermore unless you resolve these other issues it would not be in your best interest, nor that of anyone else's, to be romantically involved with you. You are not yet healed from your last break up. And given your substance abuse and your way of dealing with your last heartache I really don't feel that your feelings toward Val came from your best state of mind. If you cannot even control what you put in your body and how you treat yourself, if you can't value yourself enough to treat your body with respect, you are not in a place where your feelings toward a woman are that well thought out.
So take care of you. All the best.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (17 January 2011):
Hi there. It really depends on whether you know where she lives.
You said she moved in with this other man, so maybe it's too late.
Perhaps she has a bar job in that town, you could visit it sometime and see how you get along.
Sometimes you never know what you have till it's gone. It happens so often.
You just have to in future treat people how you would like them to treat you - with respect and kindness.
Always have faith that things will get better in future. Stay positive.
Relationships are not just about sex, there needs to be trust and mutual respect. You both need your times when you don't see each other - for your own personal space. Then you don't become emotionally dependent on each other.
You do need to each have a life of your own as well as the life you share together. It's so important.
For now though, get to know yourself better and work out what you want in a relationship in future.
Don't be in any hurry to meet someone yet. Instead, just try to make friends and get to know people well, before you decide to become a couple.
When you do meet someone you think you would like to be your girlfriend in future, try to keep sex out of it for a couple of months until you know each other well enough, and have built up a healthy level of trust and respect.
Sometimes bringing sex into a relationship too early, can mess with your emotions and confuse your thinking, so be wary of that in future. It could make life easier for both of you, when the time comes.
Take care and best wishes.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2011): Question asker here. Guess yous can tell I'se supposed to check the male gender circle.
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