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female
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anonymous
writes: hi i am looking for some advice. I've been with my boyf for 4 years, lived together for 1 year. When i noticed that he was going into our bathroom for an hour with magazines, at first i thought it was just normal mags, but then one day i seen that it was a mag with semi naked pictures of girls. then when looking some more i found rude pictures on his digital camera and handheld computer thing., then there were some on the main computer, then some on is phone, i never thought he was into this in all the 4yrs together. so i was really hurt i felt crap about myself, i thought i am attractive and have a good figure why should i accept him looking at other girls?? he also used to look at girls in town that looked tarty, and had blonde hair, i myself have blonde hair and am pretty (not being big headed at all but i wouldnt say i was undesirable.) i was a bit quiet and moody with him for weeks as i was really angry and hurt. he wondered why, i said nothing eventually after crying myself and phoning advice helplines i contronted him, at first he denied it, then i insisted that i knew. and he admitted it, he apoligised for hurting me and said he didnt like himself for hurting me and i was so important to him. he cried, i was so hurt, i was like why?? he said i dont know why? i guess its because i am still a silly boy looking at pictures of girls. Hes 24. and he didnt feel as close to me. So we left it as that, he said he had got rid of it. Then later i found some still there, he was looking at it on the computer occassionally, i confronted him he denied it and got angry. i was furious, we argued. He lied to me saying he didnt, i said do you want me to show it to you? we fell out and i said i know your lying. i lost feelings for him as a boyf and thought if he wants to look at pics of other females he cant have me and as he was lying to me, i was angry. we then decided that we were falling apart, not close anymore. So we broke up for a few months. in this time we were arguing we had to live together we had nowhere else to go. then we were civil, and got on good as friends. we were due to move flats and we said that we would either move out and go our own ways or move in together as friends. then before we were to move. he made a move on me one night he kissed me i responded. and we kinda got back together, we never talked about splitting up. i just forgot about things and put it to the back of my mind. since then things have been good. we get on great apart from the odd argument, he rarely looks at pictures, that i know of, as he works alot and is tired. he looks at gadget magz with pics of girls but i dont mind that, But i went away recently and came back to find he had been looking at pics on the internet of porn stars /girls. i feel should i accept this? are we going backwards? is he decieving me as he thinks i dont know. he bought me a luvly present for when i got home, that he'd seen me looking at before i left and i thought that so sweet. its not often that he does anything like this. i feel like i should maybe just ignore it, he could do worse things, like other guys might have gone out and cheated on me but i know he would never ever do that to me. he said he missed me so much. do i just accept this as he was a bit bored, missing me, wanted a bit of stimulation and ignore it, or should i be hurt and upset by this?? should i accept this behaviour? please help
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broke up, cheated on me, got back together, move on, nude pictures, porn, the internet Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2006): I honestly agree w/ helen 1986. Be happy that he's only looking at pics and not out there cheating. Men will always look, even if they tell you they dont. Its abvious that he loves you and if he kept it from you is because he didnt want you to feel uncomfortable, maybe you should do the same to see how he feels. If he knew that you was ok w/ everything he wouldnt hide it from you. I think watching porn and looking at mags is ok, as long as it doesnt affect the sex in the relationship. I was going through a similar situation. I used to feel terrible and think that I wasnt good enough like those so called perfect girls. I didnt want him to compare me to them or to stop having sex w/ me because he rather use his hand and look at them. At one point I realized that I was being a hypocrite about it, because I looked at it myself. But I knew that I would never compare him to any other guy or prefer to masturbate rather then have sex w/ him. My bf of 4 years used to hide it from me, until we had a talk. I told him I didnt mind the online porn or the mags as long as we didnt hide it nor lie about it. I enjoy looking at porn as well etc... Now he is more open w/ me, and at times we share such things w/ one another. Good luck w/ everything...
A
female
reader, Aunt Charlene +, writes (1 December 2006):
 ok i do understand what your getting at, i mean its not good for a relationship to be one sided where he's getting the pleasure and your not. but dnt think that porn is a bad thing afterall the bodylanguage in pornography is meant to turn people on, porn is reviewed by psychologists to find out the pros and cons and yes it does stimulate their minds as well as other places! they learn new moves etc, you seem to think hes using porn rather than you, are you having less sex than usual?people do fantasise about having sex with others, and its completely normal trust me when im doin it, its with some top celebrity, but that doesnt mean i dnt love my bf because i love him more than anything, its the fact that people do have fantasies,why not ask him what he likes in the porn mags eg: are the women dominant? do thry wear uniforms? and if you feel comfortable with it, re enact the fantasies, make sure you get to re enact your fantasies as well as sex is for the pleasure of both people in the relationship and if you dnt feel comfortable with what he wants you to do then dont do it, leave it as his fantasy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2006): No you don't accept any type of behaviour that goes against your moral compass and cause you to feel put upon and pained. Listen to your feelings, hun. He sounds so immature and it seems, you and he have very differing, conflicting relationship values. I don't think it's fair for anyone to state to you "that you should be lucky he doesn't cheat on you or that all guys like to look at nude pics of girls". That's simply condescending to you and not true! A lot of men don't need to view porn...a lot of men don't lie and sneak around and do things to hurt and cause pain to their loved ones. There are wonderful, mature honorable men out there, seeking the same things you are in a relationship. The sad reality in the here and now is your bf's behaviours are out of whack in accordance to what you want out of a relationship. You are feel ignored, hurt, disrespected and abandoned. He is who he is and I don't know if he'll ever be able change that. One can't say for sure. But no matter how upset and frustrated you get with him over these issues. he likely could continue to behave in the same ways, because his ingrained behaviour speaks about him and who he is. It's not about you or anything you have done wrong.
So what will you do? Accept this and stay in this no where relationship where you feel permanently hurt and frustrated? Or will you say to yourself -enough is enough? Just remember, Dear, everyone deserves a good, healthy love, but you can't get it from someone who's incapable of giving it. So why not think about moving on. Or you can stay sad and lonely in this relationship, and let him keep doing what he's doing...all the while you are feeling more and more angry and hurt. you have some big choices to make about where you want to go here. But the best thing you can do is...make yourself happy. He's hasn't been helping in this area up until now, has he. Don't just settle... you know what you want and what you don't want. Take what you've learned and choose wisely, hun. Think of your future. Act assertively and be brave...good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2006): How patheitci that people say things like Helen..'I think that you should count yourself lucky that he is only lookin at pictures and not cheating on you.'
Its so sad that some women seem to think it has to be one or the other...as if we cant expect our partners to be faithful to us and to act with integrity and respect by not looking at porn...Basically men will treat us exactly how we allow them to...if we condone or put up with or justify unacceptable behaviours they will continue...
we do NOT have to 'accept' this as helen thinks....maybe one day when women stop accepting it men will stop....either that or it will be just him and his hand and no guy wants that
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A
female
reader, Helen1986  +, writes (9 November 2006):
 I think that you should count yourself lucky that he is only lookin at pictures and not cheating on you. I understand how you feel, I would feel jealous and betrayed if my boyfriend were to look at pther women, but we have to accept that all blokes do, however good they are at covering there tracks.
All blokes are bound to look at pictures of naked womed unfortunately your bloke is just not as sly as other blokes. He obviously loves you very much hunny. Just ask him to be more respectful of you r feelings and not flaunt the pictures in your face. Good luck
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