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female
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*aty2006
writes: Me and my boyfriend's sex life is non existant, we have been going out for 4 yrs.we have had problems with this ever since the start of our relationship, we were/are both virgins, and he and i werent very knowledgable as to what to do and he had problems with penetration and condoms slipping off.After a few times trying, going away for weekends still no luck. as time has gone on ive just accepted this and him too i guess, he knows he has a problem but nothing is said. we are intimate, arousing each other and this is great he spends alot of time kissing me, touching etc and i pleasure him but it never goes any further than that.we love and care for each other and are attracted to each other, enjoy being intimate/passionate kissing etc, but i dont know that we want to 'have wild sex' with each other.there isnt much affection, i try to be, but he dosent really that much. theres the odd kiss and cuddle and intimacy thing maybe once a week if lucky or once every two to three weeks.but surely we should have had sex by now in 4 yrs?he said in the past once that he could see someone cos he thinks the problems/anxiousness might be to do with his foreskin. i think he is self conscious about the whole thing. ive talked to him about it, reassured him, been patient and said i would support him but nothing was ever done. i think he would be too emabarrased.sometimes i feel like im missing out on something so important and think about what sex would be like with other men perhaps, and think should i leave but ive become so attached to him, i couldnt. i cant really see life without him. i really enjoy his company, hes my companion, i find him attractive, and get turned on really easily by him when intimate, but i dont feel that we are 'lovers'.I am in an awkward place in my life, i have no close friends, my family live in another country. i moved to another area with him, we share a flat, i have a job but its not the job i want - i want to be an actress. i think about my life in the future, about being with a different guy, having a sexual/loving relationship, and it really scares me, cos i have this fear that men cheat. although i have never been cheated on i found my boyf lying to me and going behind my back about porn pictures and just knowing in general the banter that goes on between guys about other girls, this makes me distrust men. I feel without my boyf i would totally be alone. and thats why i hang on to him, i do still love him and care for him and enjoy his company,but what do i do with my life????? im 26. i want to be married eventaully. but my guy would never propose i feel he is too immature to do something like that, he really is still a big kid.i feel like my life is slipping by me and i am not truly happy.please help!
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both virgins, condom, foreskin, immature, kissing, porn, sex life Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2006): I know you have a lot of concerns but pron is really a normal thing for men to look at.
As long as it isnt obsessive then its fine.
I think I may have an idea about what your partner is saying about his foreskin being a problem.
My husband had a tight foreskin and it used to hurt when he tried to retract it.
But with a lot of strecthing excersises using baby oil, mostly him doing them alone he strecthed it and now it doesnt hurt when it goes back.
I think you should maybe try going on the pill too, then you dont need to use a condom and thats another ambarrasing thing out of the way.
I think you should have a heart to heart talk with him and find out what is holding him back, and see if you can get pastthis together.
dont give up hope yet.
XX
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2006): Wow..four years is a long time to not experience penetrative sex in committed relationship. Have you and he really had a heartfelt talk about sex? Or is this just something that is ignored..put on the backburner? In order to resolve yours and his sexual issues , you both need to be willing to open up and talk it through. If there is no willingness to talk then the two of you have hit a stalemate. Sometimes, if a partner is unwilling to have sex is equally unwilling to talk about it, it could mean there's something deeply troubling in him such as shame, guilt or fear of being inadequate thus causing some inhibition or performance anxieties, on his part.
Talking about sex issues is just what couples who love and share affection do with each other. There never is any blaming--it's just problem-solving. If talking about it is not comfortable for him, then maybe think of seeing a couples counsellor. You both sound bonded, deeply rooted and attached to each other in other ways, so before you think about leaving this relationship or throwing in the towel...do the best thing for both of you and check in with a counsellor. You family doctor should be able to refer you or have pertinent information. I wish you both the best of luck, dear.
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