A
female
age
36-40,
*ruthplease
writes:I have been dating this guy for a month and a half. This past weekend we went on a mini weekend trip with another couple. The other couple had bought all the food for the trip and paid for the accommodations and at the end they were going to let us know how much our share would come out to. At the end of the trip they sent us a text stating the amount the trip cost per person. I thought the guy I am dating was going to pay for both of us but he ended up writing a check just for his share of the trip and not mine. He works a good job and has a good salary so it's not like he does not have the money. I don't always expect him to pay for me either, when we go out to eat or to the movies their have been occasions where I have paid. But since this was a vacation I did not just expect him to pay for his share only. I realize we have only been dating a month and a half, but I am curious if I am over reacting or if this is normal for the dating stage. Do guys change over time when you become their gf or fiance? How do I look for red flag signs of cheapness? Or is it normal to split everything? This is the first guy that I have split so much stuff with normally guys that I have dated have paid for everything even when I offered or really wanted to pay for it. Please advise I like this guy but cheapness is a turn off to me so I'm confused...
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cheap, fiance, money, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Truthplease +, writes (28 August 2014):
Truthplease is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all of your insight you all really helped put things in perspective. I have decided to wait it out and see how things go with him, if it's too extreme then he is not for me but if he is just trying to save money for a future then I can understand that. I realized that it was too premature in our relationship to judge. I realize expecting a guy to pay for a trip (even though the cost was very reasonable because it was a two day trip split btwn 4 people and we drove there) is not reasonable since as many of you pointed out we had barely been dating. Honeypie the friends we went with were my friends from before we started dating.
A
female
reader, Staceily +, writes (15 August 2014):
 This guy would not be the one for me. I married a man like this, everything equal and split down the middle. I am traditional and old fashioned, I don't feel I should pay equally for everything. That's not everyone's style and that's fine, but that's what I want. In my current relationship I help out with what I can, even making less than 1/4 of what my boyfriend makes. He never asks me for a dime and I do my share around the house instead. My ex husband expected to split things from the start even with my salary. No amount of discussing helped because he thought everything should be equal. He wouldn't even clean an area of the house unless he considered me to be doing my share elsewhere. I find I give and am willing to give a lot more when my partner is giving. I want to take care of someone when I feel they would do the same for me. When it's split like that... No thanks.
And the amount of time dating doesn't matter in my opinion. If anything early on is when he should be impressing and paying for everything, later is when you start sharing and pitching in because he can't keep up that spending forever. My boyfriend paid for everything from the start. If your boyfriend is already this tight I think that's just who he is. If it's something you can handle is completely up to you. Some men are prone to taking care of their lady financially and some prefer her to pay her way and want independence. To each his own.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 August 2014):
 Yeah and exactly, to everything Auntie Cindy said. But in short....
No, I don't think he is cheap because he didn't pay for you.
Who was the couple you went with? His friends or yours? (just curious)
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A
female
reader, Behavioural Analysis  +, writes (14 August 2014):
 He's barely your boyfriend, so you should know that paying for a trip is a LOT different than paying for your meal.
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A
male
reader, lifesgreat +, writes (14 August 2014):
Maybe he is scoping you up to see if you are a women that just wants a bloke to buy all the time for her ?
Maybe he has had women in the past that have only used him for he's money.
As long as he doesn't start asking for Money see how it goes
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 August 2014):
 I think you are going to get a wide variety of answers , from " crimson red flag " to " absolutely normal " .. and they all will be correct , in a way, because there's no law which says how much exactly you have to spend on your partner . This varies a lot according to cultures, backgrounds, incomes, personalities, political and social values, attitudes toward money etc.
So I just want to add two considerations FWIW :
1 ) that trip happened when you barely were dating over a month, which is nothing, and it's probably a bit too soon for larger expenditures to feel appropriate / necessary. A drink, a movie ? fine, a whole weekend, board and lodging ?.. I think it would feel a bit too much to most guys, or at least personally I would not expect it, and I would not have assumed I was invited. I surely would have checked first .
2 ) you barely know the guy, you basically know next to nothing about him. All you know is that he has a good job with a good salary, but you don't know all , I guess, about his financial obligations / spending habits / priorities etc. Do not ever presume to know what other people should be doing with their money, only because YOU would do things in a certain way.
For all you know, he might have an old ailing grandmother to support. Or, be saving to buy a nice house where to bring his future wife ( maybe you ?:) to live .
That spoiling a one-month new conquest with paid trips is not among his priorities, does not necessarily make him a cheapskate. Maybe he's the type that does not like to fritter away his money on " small " stuff, yet he would give you a very expensive piece of jewelry on a special occasion ( Xmas, B-day, and such ).
You just don't know yet. It's early. You need to observe some more before drawing conclusions.
Of course, if for you it is important to have a man that always pays for EVERYTHING,.. then he is not the one. But in this case, good luck, I don't think that nowadays there are so many men who CAN and/ or want to take full financial care of their partner...
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (14 August 2014):
 Different standards as we are from different countries, but.. Here we split it all evenly. I just went on a mini-vacation with my new bf. Hes got a good job and good salary, I am unemployed. I expect to pay my half, and dont see it as a sign of cheapness. But then again, I believe women ought to be independent, and not for sale... So that means we must be financially independent too. Then again I moved out from home when I eas 16 and have been financially independent ever since. So that is what I am used to.
What about "cheapness" turns you off? A man who knows how to save money and doesnt splurge is a turn on for me. Believe me, I had an ex who never had any money to go anywhere or do anything, despite earnong well, because he was always treating others to things... Theres a middle path there, I believe. You dont want to be with a cheap guy, but you dont want to be with a guy who splurges either.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2014): There is no standard etiquette. This is how he rolls. Give it sometime time. It's up to you to decided if you like it or not.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2014): You are going to get lots of answers here with equality talk and how you can't expect a guy to pay for you, why should he, he is equal to you and so on.
In fact, nothing is equal still. Men still make more money than women doing the same job.
Though I don't think that men should always pay everywhere you go, splitting everything for me is a bad sign. I don't even split everything to the penny with my friends. believe it or not once a guy asked me to share a cost of condoms with him.
There are some guys out there who watch very closely how everything should be split rightin a middle. May be there is nothing wrong with it, but for me it would be a deal breaker.
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A
female
reader, MSA +, writes (14 August 2014):
 I understand your confusion as I consider myself a pretty spoiled and old fashioned kinda girl. I'm used to guys / my boyfriend picking up the bill. Of course I will also pay for movies or dinner for the both of us too. But when out with friends or group gathering, I sit back and expect my man to pick up my portion of thr bill as well. Apparently, it is normal for couples to split the bill on meals, drinks, movies, trips, etc... in or out of friends / group outings. I guess what your boyfriend should've done was to talk with you about it first either before the trip or before he wrote the check.I'm not sure how much this incident bothers you and if it's a deal breaker for you or not... But I suggest having a convo with your boyfriend about this and see what his views are. I had this convo quite early on in my current relationship and we underdstand each other's views now.Good luck!
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