A
female
age
41-50,
*ap
writes:Hi thanks for reading! My problem is that i cannot hold down a relationship and dont know whats wrong with me. I am 36 and a single mother of 2 lovely kids. I split with their dad 4 years ago after a really unpleasant relationship where he constantly cheated on me and lied, i dont think he ever loved me in the 10 years we were together. I loved him very much which is why it hurt so much.Since him i have had several relationships with guys some that have been perfect for me in many ways and treated me amazing. 2 have wanted to get married and support me and the kids long term but i always mess up!. What happens is i get feelings develop quite early on in the relationship but i suddenly turn cold.. its like they dont exist and i have no feelings towards them and i have no want to see them at all. Obviously this is awful for them and so upsetting for me. I have tried to force myself to keep seeing them which didnt work and i have been open about how i feel but nothing at all works. I have recently been seeing a lovely guy for about 2 months but the same thing happened last week. I have been to the GP last year and was on anti depressants for 14 months but that didnt help and counseling was a 8 month wait! I feel like i am a messed up wreck and really dont know what to do. Thanks for any advice x
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female
reader, zap +, writes (13 May 2012):
zap is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou all for your advice!
I am really trying to make this work and at the moment feel all loved up again... just hoping i can stay this way.
I do feel that it is me that ruins things and i do feel it is deep down due to the damage caused by my ex.
I came off the anti depressants in December because i was worried that they were dulling my feelings but it didnt make any difference.
Fingers crossed my new fella is the one!! I have told him and he is really supportive :)
Thankyou so much.. i love dear cupid!!! xxx
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2012): You may be putting up a wall so you don't get hurt again. Also, after a couple of months, the 'new man' novelty has begun to wear off. You need to allow yourself to open up and also be prepared for a relationship to adjust as you get to know someone. It may be that you are used to being with someone who doesn't care for you, as in your ex, and can't cope with the feelings of someone who really likes you. Wait for the counselling, but in the mean time have a look for one of the many books on relationships, there are lots about losing and building relationships and they can be helpful in the meantime.
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A
female
reader, Read-the-signs +, writes (10 May 2012):
My initial feeling is that you put up defences as things develop in the relationship to avoid being hurt again.
My other reaction is that you go off these guys because you actually do go off them, and they are not what you want. That seems less likely.
I think you should see a relationship counsellor on your own to talk things through.
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A
male
reader, eddie85  +, writes (10 May 2012):
 There is a chance that you could be experiencing a normal relationship experience and in fact, I'd be tempted to think that what you describe is largely normal.
Often times when we meet people, we are excited to be with them. Our "feel good feelings" are at an all time high and we love being around them. In short, this is the feeling of love. For some relationships, the "buzz" lasts a lifetime, others are a few months or weeks.
For the "good" guys that you broke up with, it means that the love feeling has left. It happens. I don't think that is anything to be alarmed about unless you feel that you are sabotaging your relationships, or you feel that you don't deserve a good relationship. In which case a good therapist may be able to help you give you the self-esteem that you need to have a healthy relationship. Also, be sure that you aren't attracted to jerks. Many women get bored or don't respect a man unless he is a jerk to them. Perhaps you fit this description.
Finally, take a look at whether you truly need anti-depressants. They can blunt feelings and result in a loss of sex drive. I am not your doctor and nor do I know why they were proscribed, but I hope you take a second look at why you are taking them. They may be totally unnecessary and may be blocking you from fully experiencing life.
Personally, I'd recommend a little self-reflection and see if you can identify why you lost interest in the men that were in your life and what your expectations are from a relationship. Maybe if you wrote out a relationship journal as if you were telling a friend about it would help you uncover what really happened. Ultimately you have the answer, it's just a matter of a little self-reflection to help identify them.
Good luck.
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