A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I apologize if my question is long, but you must know all the details for it to make sense. I also changed the names of the people. Thank you for listening I really need advice.. Spencer and I met last year in May,(we have been together for almost nine months) and when were dating, I found out that he had a girlfriend, named Danielle. Shortly after I found out he broke it off with her, and he said that things weren't going well with Danielle since it was long distance and they were only together for a couple months. I knew that he's cheated on all of his past ex girlfriends because of what I've heard from others and from him admititng his mistakes to me. I felt uneasy starting a relaitonship the way we did, me being the girl that he cheated on his ex with. But he seemed like such a great guy and I wanted to be a little selfish, so foolish me,just went against all of my common sense and gut feeling,to be with him. After a couple months (July) Spencer went off to a parachutist course, since he is going into the army. We promised eachother that during the summer we would stay in contact everyday and so on... and for the first couple weeks we did and the phonecalls stopped, he told me he was busy, i believed him. what i didnt see was that he wasn't busy with the course. anyways so he came back as he finished the course in August, we saw eachother in september. it was all great and he told me he's missed me so much and all that... so i thought things were well.i hadn't even had the thought of him cheating on me in my head. a couple months after that, i got a call from his ex girlfriend Danielle, saying that she slept with him during the summer because she was in Vernon at the time he was, and after I did a little snooping, i also found out that he "hooked up" with a girl named Rachel... more than once. so overall, he cheated on me with two different girls, multiple times. after i did more snooping (it also hurts me that i had to sink down this low but the first time i confronted him he denied everything) i found out that he frequently texts girls and flirts with them, tells them that he's single, so on and so forth. the second time i confronted him he admitted everything to me and begged to be with me saying he will change. since then, i think that he has changed, we talked about tthe reasons why he cheated, he's proven to me that he is a changed man, also he is now graduated and getting his life together... but the problem is that i still have trust issues with him and he gets so frustrated with me because when things are going really well , like almost perfect, i think of all the things that could possibly be going on behind my back and i ruin it... i am bipolar and i sometimes hate him for what he has done to me, forgetting eveyrthing he's done to try and fix our relationship. from this i have grown to have a very very low self esteem, and i tend to be very needy with him. i feel like i should've walked away right when i found out, because it is causing me too much pain, but i still love him and i have forgiven him... its just i can't forget it. everytime i get upset, its over the same issues, and since i cant trust him i always get very anxious when he goes out with his friends, at his job, and what not. and i've never been this kind of a person. at times when i am happy with him it's absolutley incredible, and i always thought that the good times outweighed the bad, but the relationship stresses me out so much because i always think he is thinking of somoene else, and i have so much to compare myself to and to compete with. what should i do?????
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cheated on me, ex girlfriend, flirt, his ex, long distance, self esteem, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Accountable  +, writes (3 February 2010):
 I would like to hear your justification for cheaters being good people... I personally cant grasp the concept of somebody both deliberately and systematically betraying the person they (supposedly) love, and being described as a good person. Regarding your situation, I think it is for the best (for your mental health as much as anything) that you broke up. You say you have developed trust issues - do not transfer these issues to new relationships. You knew this man to be a cheater, and set yourself up to be cheated on; dont suspect every regular, well-rounded guy you meet to treat you badly (as you essentially signed up for it this time). That might sound blunt, but distance yourself from the situation; wouldnt you say the same to any girl in your position? It makes no sense to write off all men as untrustworthy, when you know you just chose one that was. The most important thing here is that you learn from this experience, and carry the teachings on with you.As for you fighting for him.. forgiving doesnt have to mean taking him back. You know he is not good for you; you might not enjoy being single, but it is worth holding out for somebody who is worthy of you and will treat you as you deserve to be treated, instead of rushing back to him the minute you get lonely.Good luck :) x
A
male
reader, Griffo  +, writes (2 February 2010):
 "Cheating doesn't make the person a bad quality person. It's just one aspect of things"
WRONG! Cheating makes the person bad quality, they distroy your dignity. Of all aspects that is humiliating for someone, and it means you are not that special after all ... But if you like to be cheated on, fair enough. I think you must be confused ... no offence, but you have a lot to learn - this will be one experience for you.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (2 February 2010):
He's a serial cheat. Don't sit there deluding yourself. He'll do it again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2010): I think it is for the best that you broke up in the end. This wasn't a good relationship for him either. It is hard to have made a mistake and have to pay for it for so long, and maybe thats what he felt. He broke the trust you had for him, and he will try to push it on you and say you don't respect him, but in the end it comes down to him breaking your trust. And it can't be handed back to him just like that. He also sounds to be unable to accept that you need more time to get over it. He is probably hurting right now, and that is why he is saying these harsh words. Reality is though: you do love him, but the relationship got heavily damaged when he cheated on you, and the relationship wasn't strong enough to survive it. He can say now that if you truly love him you will fight for him, but its not true. You can truly love him, and at the same time stay away. Why? Because you love yourself too, and because you know that it was an unhealthy relationship. He was miserable, and you were miserable.
If it's meant to be it will be later, when time has passed and he has truly grown to become a better man, and your heart has healed.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCheating doesn't make the person a bad quality person. It's just one aspect of things
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (2 February 2010):
 So, you found out he was a cheat, but thought he was such a great guy... and now you are upset because he cheated.
So, what was your question again? How you can learn to read a warning sign?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the answers they were very helpful and I guess I found out what I need to do but here is the update on what has happened..
Oh by the way everyone I am 17 and he is 19 now, Not 15 and 17.
Anyways so I told him that I am still to this day having trust issues and that I still do get jealous of his ex's and so on .. (all the messy issues that come along with being cheated on) and he said he can't be in a relationship with someone that doesn't have enough respect for him to trust him , and he also said he has done so much to prove and make up for the mess he has made (Which I agree on) but i still don't trust him fully.. In the end he broke up with me, but he said he still wants to be with me and said if I really do love him I'll fight for us...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2010): You gave it a shot, and it didn't work. I wouldn't have trusted him either if I was you. If he is a changed man, the kudos to you for giving him that kick in the arse that he needed, and congratulations to the next girlfriend he gets, hopefully he will treat her better.
I don't think you should be with him. Its great that you forgave, but that doesn't mean you have to stay in a relationship with him! Forgiving means you wont hold what he did against him, but it doesn't mean your heart will get healed. You are hurt and wounded, and I think it is in your best interest if you moved on. The more you love someone, the more painful it will be when they betray you. You learned that he did it once, and as you are falling deeper and deeper for him, you get more and more scared because more is at stake.
You will worry about these things with the next man you meet as well. But with the next man, you are allowed to start out fresh, and love like you've never been hurt before. Your current boyfriend will only make you more and more scared and paranoid. How can you get over what he did when he's there to remind you?
Of course, if you think you can get over it, then he must understand that it will take time. And you are unable to give him a time limit on when you will be okay again. Will he be able to accept that?
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (2 February 2010):
You have learnt a sad but important lesson here. Very rarely does a guy change. You knew he was a cheat, but you took that chance. Surprise, he has cheated. In the future, really get to know a guy before going out with him. If he is a known cheat, forget him, if he is a control freak, forget him, if he is abusive, forget him. Your insecurities won't go away until you move on from him. You might love him, but it's clear he doesn't love you.
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A
male
reader, Griffo +, writes (2 February 2010):
If you knew very well he was a cheater, how the he'll do you think he's a great guy?
He's not a great guy and you should not be holding on to such a back stabber.
You sound like a really great girl. Don't let this ruin your heart but do move on and be with a bloke who will treat his woman with respect.
Firget about him. what goes around comes around. His time will come.
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