A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Well, I did it. I thought of my girlfriend of ten years and her feelings first, like everyone always says, and I cut off contact with my best friend (who is a woman) who I was getting too close to. She understood, of course, because she's awesome. So now I'm with my girlfriend, who is also awesome because she was willing to try to become friends with my best friend (but clearly not comfortable with the idea because she thinks my friend was trying to steal me away. and my best friend was not fond of my girlfriend. so I chose option B). I can't really confide in my girlfriend how upset I am about losing my best friend. She doesn't even know I cut off contact because she didn't know the attraction was that big of a deal. I tell my GF I just haven't talked to my friend lately. I tell her I'm crying for another reason and she comforts me, which makes me feel guilty. What do I do now? I already miss my friend. I could tell her anything and I don't have any others who I even let inside. My GF and I have trouble communicating when it comes to me and other women.I feel like I've made a huge sacrifice and my girlfriend should also be making sacrifices to make our relationship work, but she doesn't even know I did it. If I'd had an affair, she would be the one hurting while I was off having fun. I've chosen to hurt myself.I did the right thing, right? so what now?
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female
reader, devastated2008 +, writes (28 December 2009):
 Your "best friend" was an affair partner... an emotional affair partner but an affair none the less. Yes you were right to give up that relationship if you wanted to protect your gf. Give it time and do not maintain ANY ties with the "friend" and your grief will subside.
Your relationship with your gf is doomed if you maintain that friendship because of your intense emotional feelings for the "friend". You can have those feelings and needs met through your girlfriend but it's going to take work on your part and hers... honest work.
You criticize your gf for the things she says about your friend... but she is right to be afraid of your relationship with the "friend" and you prove it everytime you cry and focus on that relationship instead of the one you have committed to. Your gf may not have proof but her instincts/gut have told her things are wrong.
And by the way... your friend may only say nice things but that's because she has nothing to lose. She can play it cool and be sweet and understanding because SHE'S feeding off your admiration meanwhile your taking from your gf what belongs to her and giving it to someone else... so yeah gf is going to be resentful and jealous.
Start building up your gf and treating HER like a best friend and you might start getting something much more exciting in return... a gf and best-friend in one package.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2009): I've been in my relationship 10 years and known my friend two years. She is respectful of my girlfriend and never tries to put any "moves" on me. She thinks my girlfriend over-reacts, acts childish, and is too clingy but she never says any of this unless I ask her for advice. We almost broke up once and my friend said I should ask someone else for advice, but she would help if I couldn't find anyone. I often tell my friend that my GF is caring, nice, hopeful etc, etc.My girlfriend thinks my friend is a flirtatious man-eater and an attention whore who toys with men. My friend never talks badly of me or my girlfriend when I go to spend time with my GF. My GF doesn't like me spending time with my friend. Things she hears about my friend she filters down so they fit with the above description. If I defend my friend, it angers my GF.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2009): Thank you for your replies. I only cry when I think of some things she said in that last email she sent me. She was so nice and understanding. Part of me hopes a little of it is an act and that I'm not so easy to let go of, you know, since I'm blubbering over her. My GF is usually over-emotional --the exact opposite of my friend.
You might be right about the 10-year thing. I am pretty confused about my future with my GF. I used to imagine us with kids, etc. I still want kids, but the way things are now, I don't know if I want them with her. I know I don't want to get married to her unless things change.
I'll write more later.
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A
female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (15 December 2009):
 Oh wow, so sorry just re read my answer to you and meant to say gf not bf (I meant girlfriend so big apologies).
Country Woman
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (15 December 2009):
Well you basically chose to give your relationship your full attention but at the moment that really isn't what is happening is it?
So you are aged between 26 - 29 and your gf has been with you for 10 years, sounds to me like you have basically grown up together and never had any other relationship outside this so called perfect relationship.
I wonder after 10 years if your relationship is actually that perfect in all honesty?
You say you cannot talk to your gf about other women as she becomes jealous, isn't there such a thing as trust in all of this.
How long have you known your bf btw?
Unless you feel like you are likely to commit to your long term gf, then you really do need to question what it is that is upsetting you so much, is it the contact you have with your bf or is it that she really is something special and it is HER that you are missing having in your life and if the shoe was on the other foot, do you truly think you would be as upset if your gf was not in your life.
Maybe the answer to all of this is to separate yourself completely and maybe spend some time alone, even if that means you staying with family for a while to actually get your head sorted out and decide which one of these women truly means more to you.
Right now, I cannot see how you can continue like this without having a melt down.
You are not being a true bf if you are not being truthful with your gf and you are already lying about why you are upset so you do really need to know what is going on in your head and heart right now.
Keep us posted eh!
BFN
Country Woman
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2009): You might not like my answer but I slightly disagree with ending a friendship for a girl. Girlfriends can come and go but friendships especially one so important to you can last forever. Your girlfriend sounds a little jealous and insecure of this other girl. It sounds like she doesn't trust you which is absolutely necessary in any good relationship. She should trust you to be able to have a close female friend and not cheat. It's actually beneficial to the girlfriend if you have close female friends because you can go to them for advice to make your relationship better. You say your friend was not fond of the girlfriend, did she have legitimate reasons for this? Maybe she saw how your girlfriend treated you and knew you deserved better. It's obvious that you're pretty torn up about this whole decision, are you missing your friend or are you realizing that maybe you have feelings for your friend and the idea of losing her hurts?
No matter what you do you should be honest with your girlfriend and tell her what you did and the real reason you're crying. She needs to be aware of how serious you are about making her happy so tell her.
Then think about whether it's really worth it, how long have you and this girl been friends, how long have you been with the girlfriend. Does your friend try to steal you away, is she putting moves on you or being too friendly, taking time away from you spending with your girlfriend or bad mouthing your girlfriend to try and get you to dump her. Or is the friend pointing out problems that could be legitimate issues and she's just trying to help you in realizing you need a better girlfriend? You've made a big decision to cut this friend out of your life and I'd hate to hear in a few months that the girlfriend is gone and your friendship is also gone.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2009): Yes you did do the right thing as 3 in any relationship is not good. It would not be wise to tell your girlfriend how much you are missing your fiend as this will just annoy her and cause unnecessary friction between you. You made a good decision which is just taking a while to get used to. Although it hurts it is my experience that when there is a girlriend and a female friend it always comes to this.My boyfriend had a very long term female friend who he shared everything with. I couldn't stand it and always felt that she had ulterior motives. I asked him outright to give her up but he wouldn't saying I was childish and jealous etc. I do not think I was being and I think it is very commendable of you to give your friend up without being asked to.One thing that does worry me is your depth of feeling over this , and your crying, are you sure she was just a friend? This is pretty strong emotion or are you thinking you have maybe made a mistake and she was the one for you?If the feelings of sadness continue maybe you need to re-evaluate exatly what it is you are looking for. However, I think things will calm down when you get more used to her absence.
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