A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:About six months ago I started becoming really good friends with this one guy, and I now consider him to be one of my best friends. We both like each other a lot. We started hanging out a lot more and we would do stuff such as kissing, etc. but we never had sex. When we were talking recently, however, he told me that he still thinks about us doing that stuff and likes it, but he also thinks we should stop doing that stuff because he doesn't want me to get hurt. We talked a lot about the kinds of things he needs in a girlfriend and difficulties that he often encounters in relationships. Oddly enough I seem to meet all of the things he says he needs in a girlfriend, yet he says he can't see himself with me but he does see me as being one of his best friends forever. He said that he wants to have his own family someday, but he can only see himself ending up alone and never ending up getting married although he would like to. Is there anything that I can do to help him realize that I could just possibly be the exact girl that he needs? He is the first guy that I could ever really picture myself being with forever, yet he is afraid that I will end up getting hurt if we continue things the way we have been.Advice and words of wisdom are much appreciated. Thank you!
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to everyone who responded! I appreciate it and will take your advice!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2011): He sounds very unsure of himself and not in a good space for a relationship I'm afraid. Also that he needs some head space.
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A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (11 June 2011):
 He is playing the role of victim, and rejecting what he has in front of him, because he feels betrayed by the world.
I agree with #1... Leave him be and he will come back for you when he is done saying "woe is me".
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (11 June 2011):
 Believe it or not, this is actually a good guy. You didn't tell me if he was similar in age to you, so I'll assume that he is unless you post otherwise.
He's not taking advantage of you. So many unscrupulous men could exploit your feelings for them, make whatever promises they wish, and eventually have their way with you. This guy, however, respects you.
He's being honest in telling you that he's wanting a family, but not yet. He's wanting to enjoy his single life, free from commitments and promises. If sex is important to him, he's wanting to enjoy casual sex. However, he regards you too highly to have casual sex with.
He's afraid that you will get hurt if you carry on because he's wanting to be free to sleep around without cheating and hurting a girlfriend.
Boil it down to timing. In about 10 years (assuming he's the same age) he'll want to settle down. But now he's sowing his wild oats.
You have two choices - to carry on as only a friend or to walk away. In order to keep him as a friend, you'd have to back off from him and treat him as a friend, and you would have to look elsewhere to date. That would be hard if you can't separate your feelings for him being "the one" from your feelings of friendship.
I would advise you to go forward with life. Your career choice, school choice, thoughts for the future. If it's truly meant to be, you two might revisit this relationship down the road. But if not, don't put yourself on hold for him. Open your heart to the possibility that there might be another "one". Otherwise, respect his wishes to halt any physical or emotional relationship that is beyond friends as he is respecting you by not taking advantage or using you.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, mint  +, writes (10 June 2011):
 It seems as if 'your friend', isn't sure about anything at the moment. All you can do is be there and help him decide on what he wants to do and hopefully it'll include you.
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A
male
reader, oneguy +, writes (10 June 2011):
 Why does he feel he will hurt you?Will he beat you? Will he ignore you? Will he ill treat you?What is he afraid of?Does he have the feeling that he is not a "completer" and has failed in pretty much everything he put his eye on?Does he feel that he always dreams much bigger than what he thinks he can obtain and/or deserves? Was he always told that he is greedy and wants too much? So if he sees a girl who is too good, he doesn't believe she can be his, or if he sees a girl who is "less" than his "ideal" image of a girl, he cannot commit to her because his mind will want more, beyond his own control and volition?If he had a good friend, that friend would show him what a mirage perfectionism is. That friend would show him how to see success in everything he did. That friend would make him feel like a complete man. If you are that friend, rape him and make him babies and force him to settle down. And whenever his ego and arrogance show up, reduce them with love or with brute force, but not with too much of either.It's highly probably he's a good man. If he isn't, then beware, and get the hell out. So ask him. Ask him all these questions. His answers will tell you something about him.All the best. I hope you find true love in your life Miss.Regards,
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A
female
reader, muso888 +, writes (10 June 2011):
I went through this when I was around 17. In love with my best friend and I knew he wanted me - I was CERTAIN we should be together. That we were right together.
But he wasn't - he was happy to get with me, happy to have me very close. But he just didn't feel the same way.
After a while, I started to realise that if we were really REALLY right together, he would want me the same way.
So my advice? Let him go. When you are with your soulmate, don't you want him to just KNOW you are the one with out you having to convince him?
Good luck!
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