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male
age
,
anonymous
writes: My wife and I have been married 23 years. We have two daughters, one in college and one in third grade. I love her deeply, passionately, and openly. She is always saying how lucky she is to have me. I pay attention to her, I notice new clothes, I compliment her every day (she is beautiful). We have sex a couple of times a week. Yesterday she said we have a (great sex life). She started working about 3 years ago and the last 6 months she has been changing before my eyes. I had begun to get suspicious becasue she was hanging around her coworkers (younger and mostly single) more than her neighborhood friends. Yesterday. I blundered into her secret email account by accident and could not stop myself from spying on her. Well guess what I found? She had been having sex with a good looking guy in her office 20 years younger than herself. I also found that she had been having a "text affair with another guy whom she met in a bar on a girls weekend a couple of months ago.I confronted her and she did not deny it. She really couldn't. She claims to have ended it with the coworker. She didn't see much wrongdoing in the "text affair". She says that was only drunken "handsy" fun in the bar and some hot fun texting each other. She also claims this is over and done with. The last email from her to him that I saw was dated 4 days ago.I hate her guts and love her still. I do not trust her when out of my sight. Every time she opens her mouth I await the next lie. I don't want a divorce, neither does she, but I might need to get one to retain my sanity. I have said many hateful and hurtful things to her over the last 24 hours. Most of them weren't true, I just said them to hurt her.No, I have never screwed around on her. I am 48 yrs old, in good shape, an airline pilot and fairly good looking. What do I do?
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male
reader, eddie  +, writes (17 December 2006):
 I can understand the physical rush she got. The difficult part for you will be accepting that she got that rush from another man. It really says more about her than you. This will probably hurt your pride. That is understandable. The thing you need to remember, if you want to fix it, is this. It could have been any guy at that moment. It's not like he had something you didn't or was better in any way. She was just ripe for the picking. She made an error. I'm not sure I cold accept it. It takes a big person with a forgiving heart. I'm not saying you shouldn't forgive, I just think it's going to be hard.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2006): Husband here again.
She says that it was the biggest mistake of her life. She cannot believe she treated did this to her family. She obviously wishes it had never taken place. So,s to answer the previous poster's question: Yes she is feeling remorse. A lot of it. She admits that she had checked out on the family since August and was leading a very selfish life. She sent and surprized our 8 year old at school yesterday and when she started describing the look on our daughter's face wy wife cried uncontrollably for a while. (she's been doing a lot of that)
She says she has no excuse, but the reason is an obvious one. She was feeling down about herself after turning 45 and when a good looking 25 year old guy tells you you're hot, it does a little bit more than when your husband says it. She said the sex was kind of empty, it was more the adrenaline rush that she liked.
We got zero sleep the night I found out. We talked all night. She stayed home from work the next day. We have talked and talked and talked and are still talking.
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A
female
reader, fairyangel  +, writes (16 December 2006):
 This woman is a real piece of work...
I think she is using you to her own advantage... she is selfish & unappreciative of just how lucky she is to have a husband of your calibre.
Sorry, I have no sympathy for her, she has turned you into her own dear little puppy dog...ever faithful and trying to keep the peace.
She is a viven, my friend..trust me, I know of a few women of her type.
Best of Luck with your decisions & take care.
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (15 December 2006):
You haven't mentioned her excuse or any remorse. Is there any?
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (15 December 2006):
You haven't mentioned her excuse or any remorse. Is there any?
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A
male
reader, cherub +, writes (15 December 2006):
 I cannot imagine what you had been through when you found out especially you have been a faithful,attentive and loving husband.If there is one thing you have learned from this is that she lies by virtue of saying she is lucky to have you and your sex live is great because if that is the case then she has no need to have affair with someone else knowing fully well it will devastate you.One thing though,I think she did not set out having this affair to hurt you even though she knows it would.Maybe it is the selfish bit in us that push us over the line sometimes.
It is possible her love for you has gone stale,complacent and taking you for granted because you are so dependable(sometimes good guy loses out)and she wants some excitement.It is just a shame she cannot tell you that and then both of you try to be inventive and get the excitement back into your life. I do believe that compliment and attention given all the time by the same person loses it potency after a while so maybe that is the reason she was flattered by the other guy and morally unjustifiable went ahead and slept with him. It is sad when one cannot be happy and satisfied with a truly wonderful nice guy.I don't blame you if you loses faith in humanity,because it seems so unfair!I am sure there are nice women out there who want nice guys but the beautiful ones will always have attention given to them and in this day and age infidelity is way too easy to commit. It can happen both ways though.My girlfriend is a beautiful woman and she gets constant proposition all the times,I behave like you do but I have no illusion that she may stray one day.However for the moment I want us to be happy.If it comes then I hope we part amicably because I would know then she has moves on. As for your situation, if she genuinely wants to repair the marriage then please do go for couple therapy,it can helps.If you still love her,gives her some time apart,maybe she will realise what a great guy you are.If she doesn't then you have lost her anyway so you may be able to move on yourself easier.I do agree that you need your sanity back.
If separation can be amicable then do so for the children's sake.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2006):
You might need a divorce? Isnt the point of being an airline pilot that you are always traveling?
Try a seperation. I think you two will find that you need each other more than you think.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2006): I am in a similar position. My case is the reverse in the sense that my wife became depressed early in the year, began to insult me my family and said that she'd all sorts of interested men lined up for my absense. Enraged I emailed a prostitute and fixed a rendevous whilst travelling. The day of the rendevous I called my wife to see if she was still being poisonous, if she was I'd go ahead. She was reasonable, calm and loving. So I didn't go. 10 months later she accidentally dug up the emails in my account and exploded. She is now off on a mission to get laid herself just to show me. The moral of these tales is that there is always a root cause for these behaviours. Exploding does not help - even if you are the injured party. If she doesn't come back tonight - I will try not to explode. Instead I want to find out where our deficiencies lie. This is the intelligent route. Have an open discussion, painful that it will be. In my case I was at the end of my tether and faced with her intention to be unfaithful I wanted to get even. Now I have her wanting to get even. If I now decide to get even it will all spiral into disaster. Try to be a bit aloof and good luck.
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A
female
reader, lovelikethis +, writes (15 December 2006):
leave her and take the child that is in the 3rd grade, she does not need to be around a mother like that. you will never trust your wife again. relationships are based on trust, and with out it you two have no buisness together. if you do get custody of your child still let her see her mother at a reasonable set up time. you are a rare man and for a woman to step out on you like that is absurdly wrong.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2006): Its the husband. I have emailed a link to this story to my beloved. She will most likely chime in with her side of the story. She is very adept at email.
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