A
male
age
41-50,
*jansing82
writes:I have problems, my life, sucks and im to blame for it. I messed up the relationship with my wife, and my family. Let me get to the beginning, my wife gave birth of our first and possibly last child a little over a month a go. A boy whome we both love and is infact the only thing keeping us together. My wife and I share diffrent opinions on pretty much everything, in some ways we are about as different as night and day, but that was what I loved about her. She is very opinionated and from the get go, she told me how she felt about pornography, this topic has been the root of the problem. But getting ahead of myself. My wife and I have not been madly in love in over a month, mostly due to her healing and her sinus infection. On our 1st aniversary we went out and tried to enjoy ourselves, we went out to eat and then caught a show, later on that night she got sick. The next day she was in bed sick and asked me to watch the baby, when he was asleep I put him in his bed and checked out some sites with porn and got off to them, after I was finished I brought him back in and started feeding him. She woke up and we pretty much let the day end on a good note. When I went to work, my wife checked my history, she called my work and we talked for a bit, she was crying and very upset with me. I fest up to my wrong doing and came home to talk things out. We went out and ate and went shopping, all the time she was in her world thinking and so was I. When we got finished with the day she was taking a shower, we talked more, mostly on the idea of the movie, which by the way was Hallpass, I didnt really put much thought in it, she then asked what sites I saw, I told her in honest what I watched, now she doesnt want anything to do with me, and so basically I am in an estranged marrige because of my problem. She wants to stay together for our sons sake and I felt that was good because we had talked about the event had it ever happend. But now I feel so empty from my actions that I feel that I need to work on my problems, not just for the sake of myself and what is left of the relationship of the marraige but for our son as well. He deserves a better father, and I want to be that man. What should I do?
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male
reader, Whatowhat +, writes (9 May 2012):
C'mon, she's making the marriage estranged because of PORN?!! What a horrible person. I know it was inconsiderate of you, but for frick's sake, it's not worth ruining a marriage over.
Sounds like she's a royal tight-ass and you should probably get a divorce from her just on account of your life will be a living hell with her now & always. Just make sure to line your legal ducks up in a row and get custody of the child and make her pay YOU child support.
God, and don't marry a tight-ass woman again, I dumped a lot of women who wanted to marry me (you know, clock is ticking bullshit...) because they wanted to tie me down in some crappy traditional life. That's why I was so happy when I met my current wife. My wife is an ardent feminist and she believes women should not have any shame about sex or porn or anything that they choose in life.
She watched porn that she likes, and we have sex fairly often (nearly daily), even after our first child. She knows I watch porn, but she also knows I love the living hell out of her and I'm absolutely crazy for her, so she's SECURE. We also go out and party, partake in artistic feats, travel, and actually try to live our lives well.
Oh yes, and feminism does NOT man-hating/sex-hating. Feminists are usually fearless to live their lives to their full potential, so I've found they're a bit more open to sex. It's these "traditional" men & women who end up in these sexless, loveless marriages because they're taught sex is lustful and evil and that women should be "proper ladies" (whatever the fuck THAT means).
Nay the regular sex my wife and I have keeps us close.
Our country is so backwards in that so many people have been raised by parents who taught them that they have to repressing normal desires is good, and expressing them is shameful. And that their sole goal is to have 2.5 kids, a minivan, and a house. Blah. This creates men & women who are afraid to have fun and have passionate lives, and even more afraid to do it once they have children.
My advice, divorce her, get custody, then liberate yourself, and find an woman who has a liberated spirit. Also find a woman you can truly work through issues with. My wife and I waited 5 years to get married and in that time I evaluated our ability to work through conflict. This ability to work through problems is crucial, and many couples tie the knot before knowing that they can solve big issues which inevitably pop up.
Baseline is: Stop dating & marrying these repressed women. Liberate yourself and then find a liberated woman you love and know you can work through big problems with.
I mean seriously, estranging you over porn? What an uptight asshole your wife is... divorce her.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2011): You have to decide what is more important to you. Your relationship with your wife or getting off to porn? Your wife will resent you if you don't stop this behavior. It will be the beginning of the end. Don't buy into the excuses. "everyone does it". "it's healthy". that is just an excuse to keep doing something that we know we shouldn't be doing. If you honestly want to stop this, then stop. if you can't by yourself, then get some help. Some churches have recovery programs, that can be very helpful and help you identify with others who were once in your shoes. If you keep watching it, she will continue to grow away from you, not toward you. She may even find comfort in another man that gives her the attention that you are giving these other women. Because this can be a blow to the self esteem. Just like you can get off to watching other women, you can bet other men would jump at a chance to be with your wife. And if you neglect your wife on this one, you will only damage your future with your wife and you new son. All you can do is be honest about this with her and involve her in the process. Don't ruin your marriage over porn, resentment will grow, your sex life will eventually perish, because it is hard to be truly intimate with a man who is getting off to other women. Apologize to her, be patient, and don't be mad at her for her feelings right now. Yes, she might not be giving you affection right now, but you didn't show her any concern while getting off to porn. doing any less will only put distance in the relationship. I was married to man that watched porn, notice, i said "was married". I was against it, then i accepted it, then i joined in on it. It never helped our marriage. it only helped kill it, on both ends. Your damage isn't too bad yet, it is repairable. Stop the damage.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (24 March 2011):
 here is the site to try to address your addiction to Porn:
Www.no-porn.com
You are not alone in being addicted to porn, but as you can see it results in
fall-out pain that you may not have anticipated.
By reaching out for advice you have taken the first step towards admitting that there is a problem.
Regards,
Abella
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A
female
reader, smiliek  +, writes (23 March 2011):
 my hubby looks at porn sometimes, but never when i'm home. I'm fine with it but if he did something when i was home i wouldn't be. I am however more then happy to please him whenever he'd like. Can your wife maybe please you with hands or even mouth while she's still healing from giving birth? Then you wouldn't need to disrespect her by doing it yourself when she's home. Thats all i have to add the rest has been said
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2011): Ok, well as a woman who has had four children I am going to give uyou an honest and frank opinion. Im sorry but it may not be what you want to hear. You have deeply disrepected your wife IMO. She has just given birth and probably like most new moms is not feeling great about her appearance. So what do you decide to do? Go and masturbate over some porn women (who incidently rarely look like they have ever been pregnant). It always amazes me that even after a women gives a man the greatest gift in life - a child- many men still manage to make it all about ME. Surely instead of getting of to porn stars you should have been telling your wife how amazing she is, how beautiful and how much you love her. Surely, your sexual WANTS could have gone on hold (or if this is not possible - your imagination could have been used instead of other women)I have to say, though it doesnt sound like you love her, when you say you are only together for the child. So honestly you two should not be together. Give her the oportunity to find a man who loves her and is a good Dad (Sorry but a good Dad RESPECTS the mother of his child, and jacking off to young bimbos is NOT demonstrating respect to a women who just gave birth to your child)Like I said, Im sorry that my opinion does not vaidate your actions or justify using porn when your wife has just given birth, but this is the reality of MATURE relationships - they dont work without respect and consideration of your partners feelings. When you put you desire for an orgasm to the bopdies of other women above her emotional wellbeing and happiness , theres a major problem!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2011): Wow. A lot of good advice already. I guess I would just reiterate that it is not all your fault. There were obviously some issues, even if you weren't aware of them, before. I think she should be encouraged that you were that straightforward with her. I also think that counseling could be helpful. In the meantime, love her. It won't be easy for awhile, but if you continue to love her and treat her without being resentful, even when she doesn't do the same to you, she will run out of reasons to be upset with you. I don't know if it applies here, but too often I hear of women that have pretty much ignored their husbands, and then are shocked when their husbands are looking at porn, or worse yet, out with other women. Not that it excuses any poor behavior, but there is some shared responsibility in keeping the relationship interesting.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2011): You looking at adult porn NOT child porn you are a good father. Your wife has low selfestem. You both need counseling. There must be more to your marriage problems then just porn for it to have gotten to this point.
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A
male
reader, Drew21  +, writes (23 March 2011):
 My first question to you would be how often is this porn stuff.I think you're wife needs to be a bit more understanding. Sometimes, after a nice night out, as a man (or woman) your body preps itself for a little something-something, and if you're wife is unable to deliver (through no fault of her own!) then...well, you have to take care of business. My wife has told me she's had nights when she was ready for sex, and if I was unavailable she does the job herself, and i've admitted to her the same thing.As far as the porn goes: come on. Every man does that, and most reasonable women understand and accept this. Some women i know even look at it favourable, their reasoning being : if he's looking at a porn site, i know he's at least not going outside of the home for attention.I think you're wife needs to be a bit more understanding in this instance.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (23 March 2011):
yes you are correct. Some serious healing work is required.
Please tell your wife you are willing to do anything to improve things.
Agree to couples counselling, even if you do it alone.
Because your opinionated Lady is seriously mad at you. This situation is repairable.
For the sake of your wife and your son, discuss what shared activities she would accept so that your son can interact with his Mom AND Dad when you go on outings
Tell your wife that you are going to work hard on rebuilding trust with your her.
She may take a while to thaw.
Let her, slowly, at her own pace, learn to trust you again. Ok, i understand she is going to be the ice lady towards you for a while. You are human, so missing out on her hugs and loving for a while will be tough. Try to contain your resentment at missing out on that loving.
It will be temporary, no matter what she thinks now. Stay pleasant, keep toned and fit, keep looking cute and one day she will melt. Remember if you had to work temporarily overseas you would have to endure the same forced temporary absence of loving. Endure it with grace, not resentment.
Pledge that your loyalty is first and foremost for your wife. Do not be distracted by any flirty local Lolita.
Instead find activities that will build respect between you and your wife.
Put a filter on your internet so some sites are blocked. You Will get over it. There was a great answer i read on DC in the last 48 hours with a URL for a site that addresses porn addiction. If i can find it i will post it here.
Demonstrate by your actions to all that you are responsible and you care.
Keep yourself busy, but avoid any activity that would bring the temptation of frisky local girls. Remain unmoved by any flirty female (other than your wife - she CAN flirt with you, and will, once she thaws)You do not need to add unfaithful to your problems.
Volunteer in the community to assist in a program for disadvantaged elderly people.
Enroll in a first aid course. It never hurts to keep your mind occupied and learn a new skill. And first aid is a good skill to learn.
Get a hobby, that helps others and has nothing to do with porn. Maybe learn how to make chunky solid smooth small wooden toys, some for your son, the rest
to charity at Christmas.
Start making a list of activities that need fixing around the home, put the list on a Kitchen notice board and tick each one off, as you complete each one.
Always remain pleasant and a gentleman with her,
If you have guy friends who are seriously into porn, then leave them to their own devices, because your wife and your son are more important.
Start reading more - if you have a local library then frequent that.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2011): jansing,Sounds like things were a bit rocky before, and your actions only brought that to the forefront. You use past tense, saying "that was what I loved about her", and you've only been married a year!For most couples, sex suffers terribly for a while after a baby. I speak from experience...our own sex life has only recently revived in little bits at a time, and our kid is almost 3. But here's the deal: in a simple, almost mindless way, guys just need to get off. Frequently. Socially, you're a married dad. Biologically, your body says, "OK, who's next!"No doubt, some women feel that porn is an absolute evil to feminist sensibilities, and your wife may be one of them, but I suspect in your case it's also a handy excuse to bring hidden feelings to the surface.Do you masturbate without porn? Does she know or approve of that? If not, you need to explain that rubbing one off relaxes you, takes the edge off your day, etc., and that porn is the fastest way to make it happen. If she doesn't agree with you masturbating at all, then you've got bigger issues to deal with, pal.If she's really against porn, ask her if she'd be willing to take some photos or videos with you, so you can get off to HER without making demands on a new mom, and without going to a commercial porn site.Oh, and maybe next time, don't have a wank when they're both home napping. That might have weirded her out a bit.
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A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (23 March 2011):
 YOur wife is upset because you looked at porn although porn doesn't consume all of your time and that's not all you do? I guess depending on her view point porn is bad.
I don't think parents should stay together for the sake of their child if that's the only reason they are staying together, then both of the parents are letting the child grow up in an unhappy environment full of parents that resent each other.
How does your son deserve a better father? You're his father. You looked at porn. Big deal. I don't see what the problem is (my fiance looking at porn doesn't bother me, I think it's normal) that you looked at porn.
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (23 March 2011):
 I applaude your honesty when asked by your wife about the porn you watched. And in all fairness I have yet to come across a man who hasnt or doesnt watch porn.
IMHO it is how much porn watching and what you watch that is the problem - if you have watched it so that you could get aroused and masturbate - I dont see why the big to-do.
Have you asked your wife why she hates porn so much - she might have a very valid reason. But what I wonder is that she checked your internet history - why would she do that unless she doesnt trust you or you have given her reason not to trust you.
I strongly suggest you find the services of a marriage counsellor.
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