A
male
age
51-59,
*eltdown
writes:I have been married eleven years and have cheated on my wife 6 months ago and she found out. She has been depressed since the birth of my son (9 years ago) and for the last three years basically stop having sex with me and telling me she hated me. Not to excuse myself, but it was a little difficult for me. Now that I have cheated and she found out, it has been turned around that I was not man enough to wait and should have done more than wait 5 years and see three therapists..Once found out she dcided to give me a second chance after checking with all her friends and relatives; however the more responded in the affirmative, the angrier she became and felt like they were betraying her and she was alone. After deciding to get it back together, three days later, she decided to change her mind and wants to call it all off... HELP!!!....What should I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2009): You're full of excuses as to why you did it.... but the truth is... if you wanted another woman sexually you had an obligation to be free of your marriage first..... you owed it to your wife to tell her about your desire to sleeep with another woman BEFORE taking that step.... but it seem you wanted your cake and to eat it to. By keeping your wife and sleeping with another woman..... sorry but you reap why you sow.This poor women suffers 9 years of depression as a result of giving YOU a child... and look how you repay her... it's shameful.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2009): Hindsight is 20/20 is how the saying goes. We can all sit here and tell you what you should've done. I don't want to do that. I am in a similar situation as you.If you really want to work on your marriage now, that is wonderful, because even though her actions may say "Go away!" she really does need you. She is just soooo hurt now by the cheating. Get her to a doctor NOW. She needs to be on medication for her depression and needs counseling. You can go to marriage counseling with her, too. You need to talk. A lot. And be frank, open, honest, and truthful. If you want to be with your family, she needs to know without a doubt that you are sorry about cheating on her. You need to be there for her at all times, good and bad. At least make a true effort with the counselors before you give up on her. I think she had mental problems before with her PPD, but adding an infidelity on top of that can send the weaker sex over the edge. Please be patient with her and most of all, HELP HER. Good luck to you.
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A
male
reader, roadman  +, writes (5 January 2009):
 Just find a new woman who you can get along with...Women are complex humans and tend to want things all there own way,well its 2009 so out with the old and in with the new,if its not working out and talk is not getting through then take action and bounce on...You can still have a friendship and a connection, just get your loving else where,if she don't like it,then nothing can be done she'll have to over come it in herself..Its not worth putting your life and happiness on hold for someone else,I made that mistake many times it got me nothing I wanted.
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A
male
reader, listening_and_learning  +, writes (5 January 2009):
 I'm a little concerned that almost everyone seems to be more worried about your wife's condition than your problem. Strange, because you're the one yelling out for help here before you melt down as you say. Number one, you did nothing wrong. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. It's a naive attitude of the child minded, and is to be thrown back into the sandpit where it belongs. You dealt with an extremely difficult and convoluted situation as best you could, with the best intentions. End of Story. Number two. As [anonymous Female] rightly said, perhaps you just need to decide it's over. Couples supporting each other through tough times is one thing, but at the end of the day, we're all responsible for our own happiness. She hers, you yours. Depression for 9 years is not a 'rough patch' it's cronic and she needs help far beyond anything you could supply. You're just banging your head against a brick wall. I'm not saying abandon her heartlessly, but don't permit her condition destroy you as well. There is no end to such depths and it will eventually drag you down a very deep hole if you let it. I think you are stronger, wiser and kinder than you give yourself credit for. I think you already know what to do. Do it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 January 2009):
 Just because you are over the affair, doesn't mean she is. It's not only a huge breach in trust it pretty devastating. As far as her not wanting sex for 3 years, yeah I can see that as a problem, something the two of you should have worked on before you went out and cheated.
Don't expect her to forgive and forget at the snap of a finger, it's going to take patience and time, but most of all it's going to take the 2 of you to actually talk.
You need to sit down and express what you have missed about her all these yes, how it felt to be rejected by her ( but in a way so she doesn't think you are blaming her) WHICH I might add you shouldn't. You chose to CHEAT, that one is on you. Be ready to answer ANY and ALL questions regarding the affair.
She might not know what the heck she wants right now, and I can imagine for you that it sucks, be open and be ready to ear back that trust.
It might also be a good idea for the two of you to get some couples counseling. If you belong to a church you might get help through there.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2009): Do you really want to be in this relationship? you haven't had sex for three years, she says she hates you. This for her, may be the excuse she's been waiting for! The relationship is damanged, maybe you should accept it's over.
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A
male
reader, Griffo +, writes (5 January 2009):
 Also you must really mean it when you say it if you don't she will see straight through you and you could very well lose her... say it and MEAN it!
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A
male
reader, Griffo +, writes (5 January 2009):
Buy her a bunch of flowers and tell her that the day you both first met was the happiest day of your life. tell her that things have been very tough over the past year or so, but most of all, you love her and thats why you married her. You made a mistake but that mistake made you realize how important she is to you and that you want to be a better man for her because thats what she makes you want to be... A better man.
When was the last time you bought her flowers?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2009): I think you should move out and give her some physical space this will give her the mental space she needs. Be supportive in every way you can so she can make the right decision as she is very confused. At the moment it appears like some kind of competition in terms of 'in or out' and this pendulum of emotions will not help. Her emotion is raw and I guess she has been suffering depression / low libido and has not obtained professional help or advice to sort that out. Yes, you have cheated but that is only a symptom of your relationship breakdown not the cause - the cause is what you have to get to the root of. You need to start from scratch but only when you are both clear on your own thoughts and the starting position. Giver her some space and perhaps agree to write each other a letter - explaining what you hope for the future. If there is common ground and the love is still there then you have a good chance. You have a child together so its worth a go.
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A
female
reader, pastfirst +, writes (5 January 2009):
 Okay...so you made a mistake and now you're paying for it!
Understandably you were frustrated with your relationship and looked elsewhere to satisfy your sexual needs but this was a time when your wife needed you for support and affection.
Your wife is obviously very confused (and still depressed). She needs to be on medication, and I suggest you get professional counselling. Go alone if she doesn't agree to accompany you.
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A
male
reader, pinkey1981 +, writes (5 January 2009):
In a way i feel for ya and in a way i say shame on you. Sounds like to me shes suffering from some pretty serious mental issues and its affecting your relationship. My parents had the same things go and my father has been sexless now for 7 years and refuses to cheat. My moms in ill health and really is never in the mood. COMMUNICATE. Thats all i can say. 3 years of what you explained would drive anyone nuts. Sit down and talk. Have a good heart to heart and appologize and let her know that you wanna see her through this. Its really up to her at this point to either take you back and find help for the post partum depression or not take you back and drive herself crazy over the next few years. Swear off the infidelity and promise yourself to her. SHE NEEDS YOU NOW MORE THAN EVER.
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