A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I had an affair. She ended it. I was no longer in love with my wife. The situation wasn't fair to either of us, so I told her everything and that I was ready to leave (she'd had her suspicions). She broke down and couldn't really function, so I said I would stay and see if we could make it work. She is bending over backwards to meet my every need. This doesn't help me love her. She is so submissive it's frustrating and makes me angry. I keep telling her she doesn't need to do things. I don't feel like anything is getting better, but she does. We went to a counsellor once but I was still thinking of my mistress daily. I told my wife my heart wasn't in the counselling so we didn't go back. I said we would try a different counsellor later.I know what I did was wrong and what I did to my wife was terrible. At the time, I never felt bad or guilty. It still hasn't caught up to me. Why don't I feel bad for this horrible thing I did?Why isn't my wife angry at me? Why doesn't she hate me? It doesn't make any sense. Why doesn't she want more for herself?I work at home all alone all day. What can I do to stop thinking about my mistress/other women/infidelity?What can I do to really give my wife the chance she deserves?Would she be better off if I left?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2009): Your upset because she loves you so much she doesnt want to lose you, even if you are a cheating, lying, scum bag? I think you are confused because your wife knows how to love someone unconditionally and you only love yourself. I hope she wises up and leaves you, and finds someone that can love her for real. If you weren't happy you should have told your wife BEFORE cheating. Please, leave this woman, and tell her to go to counseling so she can learn to be strong even without a man thats going to treat her like crap.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2009): You surely knew she was extremely submissive before you married her so why the big problem after you've been together? It was either her upbringing or culture and it was your behavior that changed. You stopped loving your wife because you weren't happy with who she was as a person yet she had not changed but you suddenly wanted someone with more spunk. The thing is why did you get her to fall in love with you if she really wasn't what you really wanted?
NOw you've messed her up and she is running around like a chicken with its head cut off.
Sadly, I'm with the others on this, let her go and find someone who will appreciate her for who she is.
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A
female
reader, pashanoodle  +, writes (10 November 2009):
 I hate to be the pessimist - but it sounds to me that no 'productive' work on your marriage will take place while you feel the way you do - you don't want it - and your reaction to your wife's response to your infidelity shows you actually do not respect her at all(even less than before huh) - and what is a marriage without respect?
I am not going to speculate on whether your wife is 'co-dependent' or what - obviously there are things that are motivating her actions/responses - probably even she does not understand them. But - I come back to the fact that YOU are not commited to working through all this stuff - you don;t want your marriage.
You may actually be being kinder to your wife (in the long term)if you leave now. Sometimes, like Baby Duck says, people are paralysed by fear - and the status quo, however sub-standard it is, seems easier/comforting. Hopefully your wife will realise how much better her life can be once she becomes stronger on her own - she will have to work hard on herself to get to that.
The pain you feel about your mistress dumping you would be minute compared with what your wife is experiencing (you both knew where you stood) - so when you start to feel frustrated with wife for still 'loving' you - remember she is completely traumatised - you have shattered her entire world but she doesn't want to accept it yet- try to cut her a little slack, you loved her once.
Staying to not hurt your wife seems a bit ridiculous to me though - you have hurt her so badly already - leaving won't tip things over the edge.
I hope you can feel guilt about this at some point - for your own sake.
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A
male
reader, duce00 +, writes (10 November 2009):
 Baby Duck laid it out quite nicely. Seeing as you have a lot going on and are rather self absorbed right now I will summarize in a simple manor, hopefully you will start taking some effective action for her sake.
1-Get your wife some counseling
2-Leave your home
3-Give her the support both financially and logistically to make up for breaking your marriage vows.
4-Do not do this ever again
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A
female
reader, devastated2008 +, writes (10 November 2009):
 What you did was a terrible betrayal to your wife. You made a very horrible cruel decision and I think somewhere deep down you know it. Sometimes we shut off our emotions in self-defense.
There is something about infidelity that tends to set off a train of events that tend to follow a predictable pattern.
You are not unique in your emotions nor is your wife. She is behaving the same way most victims of infidelity react... it doesn't mean that the anger and extreme hurt and devastation isn't there. It means that she is in crisis mode and is doing everything she can to protect the relationship she holds most dear.
Have you ever had anyone close to you die unexpectedly? Were you in extreme pain and grief? Did you have overwhelming regret for all the things left unsaid, undone? Did you think of all the trivial things that you overreacted to, all the petty arguements or words/actions you wish you could have taken back? Did you just beg God for another chance to make sure they know how much you loved them or to do things differently?
That's where your wife is now. She knows what it is to lose something valuable only you aren't dead so she's trying to go back and do all those things that we want to do when someone dies. The pain and grief is as intense as someone dying... and she's not about to give up the opportunity to try and make it right.
You're grieving for this woman you thought you loved which is why you can't feel for your wife right now. But it will pass and those feelings can be re-ignited and re-built with your wife.
By the way, she does want more for herself and she is angry and she does hate you... but she loves you more. She is as disconnected to her "ugly" feelings as you are to your "loving" feelings right now. About the time she connects to her angry emotions you'll connect to your loving side... and that will be the true test of whether you can both navigate through this.... and move into a deeper closer intimate relationship then ever before.
There's a website called marriagebuilders.com It has lots of information about infidelity. It will describe in great detail what you are feeling, she is feeling and give direction for turning this into a blessing instead of the devastation it could be.
I don't think you should give up. You already took the easy road out by cheating... now take the road you should have taken to begin with and figure out why this happened and fix it. You did a terrible thing to your wife whether you love her or not... you don't have to feel it to know it. She wants to make this relationship work so work with her... emotions follow actions... when you act loving the love will follow.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (10 November 2009):
Yes, your wife would be better off if you left. She's doing everything she can to try to make you happy--she's too nice and she deserves better than you. She probably does hate you, but she doesn't like herself either, she probably thinks she deserves it and needs to be a "better" wife and is trying to please you because she probably feels that it's her fault why you cheated on her. Do her a favor and leave and go run off with your lame mistress.
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