A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I really need some help. Especially from people that have been in my situation. It was my birthday last week. My wife and I went out with a couple of co-workers. We had a good time. She had to go home early, because she had to work the next day. So she went home, picked up the baby from the sitter, and told me to have fun.Well, I screwed up. There was this girl there that was after me the whole night. My friends invited her to this after-party we were going to, and I ended up having sex with her. I'm not going to waste your time making excuses that I was drunk, etc, I screwed up. No excuses.Why did I do it? I really don't know. A year and a half ago, When we were engaged, my wife went home to visit family. She ended up calling and texting her ex-boyfriend a lot. We had always had an issue with this ex-boyfriend, and she had promised me she would stop talking to him. Yet, I come to find out that on her trip, as soon as she was flying out there she was already texting and calling him. She met up with him on the last day she was there. I had the feeling she cheated on me. She could never gave me any details about where they went, or what. She would just say she was sorry and stayed quiet. Ever since then, I always had the urge to "get even", but I had never acted on it or thought I would. Until now. I don't know if I should come clean or not. I have never cheated on anyone, until now, and I am a decent guy. I am disgusted with myself that I did this. I definitely learned my lesson. I can't imagine my life without my wife and or baby, and I'm scared if I tell her she will leave me. Actually, I'm quite certain she will leave me if she knows.I've researched and some people say to tell her. Others say, not to tell her if I REALLY never will do it again. Which I won't.My co-workers heard us having sex though. About 4 of them know. I'm just afraid she will end up finding out from someone else, and that will be worse won't it? From their wives or something.... Please please, help. Should I tell her? I know some people will say I'm a jerk, and I need to man up and tell her. Because that's actually what I have written on some previous posts. I know I'm scum, so if you must, tell me. But should I tell her or not?
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cheated on me, cheated on my wife, co-worker, drunk, engaged, her ex, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2011): Why are so many people saying to deny?????
HE DID CHEAT. And lying is meant to make it better?
No point in being with someone who you share your life with if it has to be based around secrets and lies! What rubbish! And a waste of peoples time and energy. She may not want to spend the rest of her only life with a liar! And its a very big lie. Give her that choice!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2011): DENY DENY DENY. If you do tell her she will never ever trust you again, EVER.There is also a possibility that she will start doing things behind your back, and knowing it might turn out to be a cheating competition.You dont want that dont you..
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A
female
reader, Arrow  +, writes (3 April 2011):
 I think it's really sad for you to have done this based on an assumption. Though you may have a gut feeling that she cheated, you don't have a honest, matter of fact answer. And she may not have slept with him.Firstly did you use protection? If my partner slept with me after another woman I would despise him. I would want that choice. She has the right to choose to stay with someone that has betrayed her. Not to be lied to because when she does find out, from the time it happened she may think the relationship has been based on a lie. She committed to you. She gave you a child. A beautiful son or daughter. And you just wanted to get her back?? How awful. There must be something more then just you thinking she cheated.I think she has the right to know. Whatever the consequences you have to face up to them. You created them. And it will be hard! Very hard and stressful!It doesnt always end badly. My partner cheated on me. We are still together. It's not easy. He was very sorry but one of the main reasons I stayed is because of his honesty. He told me straight away. And he was sorry. It's never happened again. It's been rough but at the end of the day we are still together and by choice. I hope you make the right decision.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2011): OP here.Yea, I have posted on here before. I did feel like an idiot for taking her back then. But I'm glad I did. This might sound stupid, but since that happened she has been a great wife. So does that make me a sleeze bag for cheating on her? Maybe. But my gut tells me she did cheat on me. Why all the secrecy or lack of details on her part if she didn't. I don't feel "better" now that I slept with another woman. But my WHOLE life I have been a good guy. Never drank till I was 24. Never smoked, never done drugs. Grew up in church. Always gave my gf 100 respect and decency. Opened car doors for them, still do. Very respectful and kind. And I got cheated on with my previous ex gf and this one too. Why? What did I do to deserve that? Nothing.They always cried and said they made a mistake. They never admitted it to me; or came clean with me. I FOUND out. So why should I? She might find out, and if she does, I will come clean. But she didn't with me so why should I? I really am genuinely sorry. And will never do it again. But now, at least I don't feel like I'm the stupid goodie too-shoes boy that never did anything wrong and got cheated on twice.I feel like a dick for doing this, but I'll spend the rest of my life making up for it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2011): i agree with the other female Anon who has followed your SAGA prior to your marriage - your obsession and now your demise.you always KNEW you were going to cheat on her.you KNEW you were going to get evenBUT WHAT IF SHE DID NOT HAVE SEX WITH HER EX??????Then you are the worse!!!you got even. NOW WHAT??????Your wife let u enjoy your birthday with your friends, but you deliberately CHOSE to betray her. Feel any better?????LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2011): Dude, I have been following you here for a while now. You have posted about this issue many times, and the common thread is that you have always felt a need to get even. I always thought that you WOULD either cheat or go mad thinking about weather or not your wife cheated whilst she was in her old home town. In fact I remember you before you even got married, and she was just your gf. As I know your backstory, I also know that you WERE pretty much obsessing over your wife's trip back home. I know it drove you insane and you felt foolish for taking her back. I do not normally condone revenge or getting even, however for you I hope this brings some kind of peace. That said, I bet the feeling you have now is not of justice, but mostly of emptiness. I bet you feel not like you gained some kind of equality, but a hollowness that you slept with someone. In fact, I am willing to bet you feel quite bad. There is a good chance that you wife only met up with her ex and had that coffee and didn't sleep with him. You on the other hand had sex with another woman. Now, the tables really have turned and it is YOU that is the bad guy. Do you tell her? I think you should. If your co-workers heard, its only a matter of time, plus you might have slept with a crazy woman who wants to break up a marriage and if she wanted you all night, she might still want you. there is more chance of this getting out than staying a secret. So yes, tell your wife. Tell her why it happened. Let her choose. Remember what it felt like not knowing, well, why put your wife through that?And keep me posted. As I said, I have been following your struggles.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2011): I find it interesting you come clean, say there are no excuses but... my wife did this and that. So you're trying to justify it, and you have a ready made excuse to justify those actions now you've done it. So now you've got this hanging over your head and I guess every time you invite your wife to a work function you're going to be absolutely bricking it hoping nobody squeals, that will be the price of not telling her.So now you're even, and you dont have anything to worry about don't you. Two wrongs never make a right. I guess you can just say you're sorry and keep quiet.Good luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2011): This didn't happen in a vacuum. The issue with her ex is real and so is what you did. You can push your indiscretion under the rug but it won't fix the cracks in the relationship that it represents.
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A
female
reader, svf +, writes (2 April 2011):
 My god, this is a hard one...
I really believe that it is going to be impossible to keep this a secret as 4 other people know about it, and it will be worse for you if she hears it from another source apart from you. But, as I can tell that you are truly sorry, I'm going to suggest anything to you that may help - no matter how dramatic! If it doesn't help, hopefully it may give you a laugh while reading it!?
Try packing your bags, heading for the door and quickly say before you go - We need to talk. When she asks what it's about, say -
"I'm sorry Honey but on my birthday I slept with another girl. I'm going away for awhile as I think we both need some space and time to think right now, but I AM truly sorry."
If she wants further conversation, yell out behind your back "What about you and your mate last year???"
Then leave immediately before she can scream the house down at you. You have been honest, you have given her time to think - and time to get JEALOUS of the other girl...
Maybe that will get her thinking that yes, you fucked up, but it might get her in a more FORGIVING mood when she has to evaluate all that is going to be missing if she really does boot you out the door? And wives never like there being another woman around the corner waiting to take their man, regardless of whether they want to stick a knife in their backs and burn them at the stake! Wives do care about the right of 'possession' and with a baby she may be more accepting of things.
As I said, just a suggestion, but if nothing I hope it made you laugh. And please take care, I really feel for you because I KNOW that you feel genuine sorrow for what you did. If I didn't feel for you, I'd be sending vicious insults down through the internet (!) as normally I have a very low tolerance for this type of thing.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2011): "Telling her will only ease your mind. It will destroy her world." - I agree 100%, don't do it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2011): Original Poster.I actually did think right before, I slept with this woman. I thought, this is wrong, but I was so hurt before over the issue with her ex. I thought, "this makes it even". Being drunk didn't help any. I thought doing it this once would justify that feeling or make me feel like less of a fool for being played before. But it didn't. Now I just have a guilty feeling all the time. I know if I told her it would do nothing except cause her pain. Knowing what I did is torture enough for me to live with. I want to tell her. Every time I see her the words almost come out of my mouth, but I don't know if it would be worth it.Would I want to know? Part of me says hell yes. The other says hell no. Thanks for the advice. I guess everyone handles it differently in their own way. Some say yes, some say no.I'm just more concerned with what will happen if we see the girl around town somewhere. we live in a pretty small town. But I guess I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. All I know, is I will never do that again. And I just pray that the torture I feel be enough and that she never has to know that pain. I'll spend the rest of my life making it up to her. Whether or not she finds out.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2011): Don't tell her unless you want a lot more drama in your life than what you have now. Just file it away under "revenge" sex for the issue with her ex.
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A
female
reader, Proxy  +, writes (1 April 2011):
 You NEED to tell her, sooner or later shes going to find out. Don’t hide it away like a coward and pretend like it didn’t happen. You cheated on your wife, you betrayed her trust. Be a man and tell her. You owe her that much.
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A
male
reader, foray  +, writes (1 April 2011):
Just do not let your wife know about the whole episode. Even if she finds out from your friends just deny till the end. Once you admit your wrongdoing you are a goner. She will take this till she goes to the grave. Don't worry I have had numerous affairs and never admit to it. The married women that I slept with never once told their husband that they did anything wrong. So there it is. Just keep it a secret.
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A
female
reader, TEM +, writes (1 April 2011):
 Oh demon alcohol. This is a tough one. Normally I am of the "do not tell" camp in a situation like this. Yes, you screwed up, but you know it and you believe it was a one time thing. Under normal circumstances telling your wife would hurt her more than it would help you...however there is the matter of the coworkers.
I have a feeling you bring up suspicion of your wife's cheating to have an excuse at the ready, should you need one. Don't do that. That's in the past and wouldn't be fair to bring up in an argument. An argument of that nature could escalate to the point that you really would end up losing your family, so don't do that. Besides, do you really think, in your drunken state, you were thinking about revenge when you had sex with this woman? You were both drunk, she made the moves, you didn't resist. That's what happened and that is what you will have to own up to if this news reaches your wife.
However, there is yet another matter. Did you use protection? If not, I am afraid, my friend, you must tell your wife. Plead for mercy and apologize, apologize, apologize. Your wife might might not be as hard on you as you think. I doubt she wants to break up the family either. You'll be in the dog house for a while, but there are consequences to this sort of behavior.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2011): Of course your wife will find out.Here's a secret: Men do not know when to shut their mouths. They love to gossip and they will.So either you tell your wife or she hears it from the big mouths.So now that u had sex with another woman, does this mean that u are ok with her apparent 'cheating' when you booth were not married. You just wanted to get even. And you did! So what now?Your wife trusted you. She left early to take care of your kid. And u repay her by cheating. And now to add to this nightmare, 4 others know you had sex with this woman.Not good, not good at all. Your stink will come out, its just a matter of time.Imagine how devastated your wife will be when she hears people gossiping?Do the decent thing and tell her .LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, shanana +, writes (1 April 2011):
Telling her will only ease your mind. It will destroy her world. Keep it to yourself and live with the guilt.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2011): Don't say anything.Can they PROVE you had sex, or just heard "noises"? Simply deny everything if anyone mentions it and you will keep your relationship, if it truly was a one-off.
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