A
male
age
36-40,
*dawg070809
writes:]Okay. So i kind of messed up. I had cheated on my wife 2 years ago. She got pregnant within a month of us meeting. I cheated on her when she was 6 months pregnant, again right before the birth and when our son was 2 months old but it was all with the same girl. We ended up getting married because she told me if I didn't marry me she wouldn't stay with me. This was probably to cover herself, she didn't want me to just up and leave without paying alimony. I guess I can see her point on this. We have been married about 2 years now. i had been good for a while but got bored. She works and goes to school for a total close to 70 hours a week between the two. Plus we have a 2 year old. She hardly spends time with me anymore since the last time I cheated. We got married after though so I thought she had forgiven me. She wanted to seek marriage counseling, as she is a psychology major. I didnt because i dont feel it works. i really dont want to talk to another person about my faults. For almost a year now she has been working at a store and at this store she met a male friend. They text a lot back and forth and she even told me she wanted to hang out with this guy to which I told her no. I kinda felt guilty for coming down on her like that since I was meeting other women but I just don't want her to leave me. Anyway she found out about my new account last night and is wanting to separate. She doesn't want to be around me or let me touch her, even a hug. She told me to leave her alone and that she was disgusted with me. This hurts. Well this morning I saw her phone and noticed the she had told the male coworker everything that had happened last night. Of course he was telling her it may be best to leave and he's there for her. Sounds like he's trying to make a move in on her before I'm even out of the picture. I really want my wife to trust me again. I'm scared shell divorce me and go to this guy. Am I wrong? Is she wrong? How can I keep her from leaving?
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male
reader, Been Through It +, writes (9 March 2013):
 Don't turn your back to professional help because it didn't work out for your friends. There are plenty of cases that it does work out. You just have to want it to work. Same with her, and by taking that step you will be showing you are ready to fight for her love. I understand your want to be with or talk to other women. I went through the same feelings and still fight it off to make sure I am being true to myself. We are attention junkies. Our ego's need to be feed and talking to someone who can stroke it becomes addictive. It's not right for you, for your wife or your son because it gets you nowhere. If therapy didn't work for your friends, it's probably because they were so far from fixing it, that deep down they were just going through the motions knowing they were out there door anyway. If anything one day your son may ask you why you and mom didn't try hard to keep it together. If you go, you can say you at least tried. If she is not into therapy, then maybe see your own therapist. I never believed in it until last year when I finally gave in and needed to find out things about myself. I had done plenty of wrong throughout my life, I also didn't like how I was treating people and wanted to understand myself more. Also get some tools to use daily to think about. I've learned a lot about myself and made some major leaps through it. I faced head on issues I needed to deal with about myself. Now I am trying hard to make sure I am who I want to be. Mostly for me, but I want my daughter to have the most amazing father and prove to her that her love for me is worth it. You are not alone in this, but try to keep an open mind. Whatever you are doing is not working and now you are questioning everything without really knowing the truth. Be as real as you can to your wife. Give her no reason to run into another mans arms. Find a way to control yourself and see another woman's beauty without acting on it. Listen we are all human, but if you have confidence in your love for your wife and family, you'll realize all of what you want and need are right in front of you. Seriously I wish you luck and hope you can find the right balance to enjoy your life.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 March 2013):
 And I have known people who went to doctors and ended up dead anyway :).
Some situations are beyond repair and no professional can modify the outcome .
That's not a good reason to neglect your health, or your marriage, when there's something wrong, and sweep everything under the carpet.
Seeing a doctor when you've got a serious illness does not guarantee 100% that you'll be healed, but it may prolonge your life span, or greatly reduce your sufference, or at least give you the tools to deal rationally and confidently with your disease and make sure you don't do anything to worsen your condition.
Besides, it would be an effectice step to show her that you are taking your problems seriously and you are doing all you can to rebuild trust. " You really want your wife to trust you again ", but that's talk. What ACTIONS are you doing to show that you mean business ?
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A
male
reader, adawg070809 +, writes (9 March 2013):
adawg070809 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy main issue with counseling is that I've had friends go through it and all of them ended up divorced anyway. As for my wife hanging my previous cheating over my head, this is true. When I get onto her for talking to her guy friend she reminds me that she has no reason not to be trusted since she isn't the one who cheated 3 times. She tells me that she can manage to be around the opposite sex without cheating, unlike me. I love my wife and can't honestly figure out why I keep wanting to talk to other women. Maybe it's because we have nothing on common? The part that really upset me is that she was telling this coworker everything about what was happening. I don't feel it is right for her to tell our personal business to other people. Why must she confide in a guy rather than her own family and/or female friends? And it upsets me that he is trying to tell her to come to him if she needs anything.I'm basically scared that because I messed up so much that she is gonna finally get sick of it and take this guy up on his offer and leave me for him. Yes I did cheat but never intended to leave. She on the other hand hasn't cheated but I feel that she and this coworker want to be together and that sooner or later she may go to him since I have cheated so much and he is being a shoulder to cry on
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2013): You don't want to go to marriage counseling. You don't want to address your faults. You don't even want to stop the behaviors that caused her to not trust you in the first place.So, your wife probably thinks that you do not love her enough to go to marriage counseling. You don't want to change. And you would prefer to cheat on her over working on your relationship.She's given you more than enough time and many opportunities to address your faults. Why should she stick with a man who doesn't care enough about his marriage to try and improve it?If you want her back, you have to swallow your pride, go to counseling, work on your issues etc. You have to be genuine about this too. No jumping through hoops just to keep her around because you don't want to see her with another guy. That would be selfish.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2013): You are wrong. How many times do you think she will put up with your cheating? You say it hurts you that she wants nothing to do with you, but have you ever thought about how much she's hurting right now? I wouldn't want anything to do with a serial cheater either!
The only way to keep her from leaving, is to try marriage counseling. You may think it doesn't work, but honestly it's the only hope you have left.
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A
male
reader, Been Through It +, writes (8 March 2013):
From what I am understanding it sounds as if you guys had a shotgun wedding after you had your son. You both are really young never got a chance to let your relationship grow to what it should be for a healthy start. I'm guessing you cheated for various reasons. You probably have not developed true love yet, and probably was cut off from having sex with your girlfriend (now wife) while she was pregnant. I could be wrong, but thinking this could be part of what was running though your head. I believe the real issue is, you two were forced into a life you were not ready for. It seems as if you thought you had to get married for your son. It could of been family pressure, some religious beliefs, or just not enough life experience in life to realize that getting married was not the right thing to do. Never the less you got busted and she felt she could move on if you both were to get married. She may have forgiven, but obviously never forgot, and you paid for it the whole time. Now it seems as if you are keeping the door open for an affair because you are not getting any affection and you are seeing your life as boring. You also are worried she has made a connection with a co worker and are afraid to lose her to this one particular man. I think you have to understand you two have some very deep issues to work out here.. I would highly suggest going to a marriage counselor if you think you want to repaid your relationship. You have to own up to what you have done and shed the idea of wanting other women, AND she has to find a way to not holding this thing over your head of she wants a healthy relationship for herself and for your son. Your trust is so far from where it should be that you two need to have a civil heart to heart and get on the same page. I suggest if you do sit down with her, really think about what you are going to say and approach her calmly. Express how much she means to you and how much you want to fight for your marriage. Don't keep her because you are afraid she will leave you for the other guy, That's your ego taking over. Your marriage needs a lot of repairing and if you think you are up for the challenge, you need to put a lot of work into it. It will be worth it if you really do love your wife.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, ihavetoomanythoughts  +, writes (8 March 2013):
 She's probably made up her mind and there's nothing you can do to stop her.
When you realised you were bored with your marriage, you should have talked to her first to see if things could be fixed before making a 'new account'. She could probably tell you were thinking of straying, hence suggesting marriage counselling.
How can you make her trust you again? You've cheated on her three times (doesn't matter if it was with the same girl or not) and if she's so upset about this 'new account' then it means you were looking to cheat on her a fourth time. It isn't exactly the cleanest record and if you can't find ways to fix your infidelity problem, then she has no reason to stay. Basically if you want her to stay, you have to do everything you can to demonstrate that you can be trusted. First step is to take marriage counselling.
In my opinion though, I think you've left it too late.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (8 March 2013):
 How can you keep her from leaving? Time for some professional marriage counseling!
You'll be much better off for the experience, even if the marriage doesn't survive. At the very best, you'll find the path to repairing the grievous wounds. At the very worst, you'll have aired your problems to someone who is trained to deal with conflict.
All the best!
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