A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been in a relationship for a year and half. Her ex comes to her house regularly to pick up and bring their son home. He comes in, we talk, there are no bad feelings. Around a year ago he dropped a sarcastic remark relating to my girlfriend (his ex), saying something like, "when you eventually catch her on a dating site because you have been neglecting her" I asked him what he meant and all he said to me was "you`ll see" I took this with a pinch of salt and put it down to possible jealousy. I never mentioned it to her because she is highly strung. Well it seems his revelation has come true because I have found out she is on dating sites. I have told her what I saw and guess what? She said she is on a dating site because I am neglecting her. Why did she not mention this before going on the dating site? I am kind of shocked and confused. What do I do now?
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female
reader, Jeanette82 +, writes (9 March 2013):
 Telling you that you was trying to make her out to be a slut, was her way of getting out of it, by putting you on the defensive and making you look like the bad guy in all this. This is a tactic often used by cheats. It also shows her total refusal to accept that she did anything wrong. It also shows she has no thought about your feelings or any respect for you. You have done the best thing.
A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (8 March 2013):
 typical. always playing the victim. she didn't do anything wrong, etc. god i can't STAND people like her. i'm sorry. anyway, thank god you caught her and thank god it's over. i'm sorry that happened. you're much better off without her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would also like to say that I sometimes felt neglected, and felt like I was talking to myself, and often wondered what was distracting her. It never once crossed my mind to go on a dating site.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe has been in touch by phone. I told her we are over because to me, being on a dating site is equal to cheating. I did not tell her that I`d spoke to her ex. Her response to it was "you are just like my ex, jumping to conclusions and thinking the worst about me". She then said that I am trying to make her out to be a slut, "just like her ex used to". I don`t think I need any closure. Thanks to everyone who has took time.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 March 2013):
 I'm sorry :(
I just hope you don't take to heart the whole *it's your fault because you neglected me* spiel from her. You didn't MAKE her go on dating sites and talk to random dudes.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2013): because of her history with dating sites, it's not going to work if you give her another chance. she will see you as being soft and having even more less respect for you. you have no choice because she will run rings round you otherwise.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHoneypie and bronzed adonis. I have spoken to her ex. He told me they broke up for no other reason than her dating sites. He said he gave her chance after chance. Since breaking up, he found out she had sexually cheated on him, on at least one occasion. The guy she cheated on him with was not someone she`d met on a dating site. I think I believe him. Yes, it`s all fitting in to place. She told me she ended it with him because he was jealous, emotionally abusive, and made regular false allegations. He has told me that it was him who ended it, not her.
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A
female
reader, Jeanette82 +, writes (8 March 2013):
Once an online dater, always an online dater. Once a cheat, always a cheat. Some people say leopards can change their spots, but I have yet to see proof of that. She sounds very much like my ex. I dont know, but going online to cheat or replace you is not very flattering. I know, because I have been there. It`s like they are only with you as an absolute last resort, because I could only imagine having to go online if I was scraping the barrel. Each to their own I guess. You need to get out. It aint gonna stop.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 March 2013):
If THAT is the reason why her last relationship ended and she is STILL doing it, she learned NOTHING and doesn't think she is to blame.
The fact that she is TRYING to make this your fault is a big red flag.
Honey, if your partner is on dating sites there can only be 2 reasons.. SHE is looking for greener grass/"better" BF or she is an attention whore who thinks the world revolves around her.
I think he was not being jealous, he was letting you know what she did with him.
Some times people DO NOT change.
This isn't about you. The dating sites. It's about her not respecting her partner and her relationship. That is also why she is saying she is doing it because YOU neglected her.. that is bull crap. She does it because SHE can and she WANTS to and she doesn't give a flying fart how it affect you or the relationship.
She isn't going to stop this, no matter HOW much attention you give her. Because in her mind, she can do better and there is someone out there "better" for her.
People don't join dating sites for shits and grins.
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A
male
reader, bronzed adonis +, writes (8 March 2013):
 It does seem coincidental doesn`t it? He is her ex, so I can see why you was reluctant to believe him. Just what reason did she give for her and her ex breaking up? His jealousy or unreasonable behaviour perhaps? You can bet that she will be giving the exact same reason for your break up to her next guy. You are going to end this relationship arent you? By the way, when you describe her as highly strung, is it another way of saying she believes she should never be questioned for anything?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2013): It looks like her ex knows her far better than you do. Dump her. You don't need her or her baggage. Think yourself lucky you never had children with her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2013): I don't get what you see in this girl, she goes on Dating Sites,she is highly strung and has a history of 'looking' for potential partners whilst in a relationship.
Dump her and find someone who deserves your love
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (8 March 2013):
do yourself a favor and dump this girl asap. what i can tell you about women like this (from VERY personal experience), is that they are manipulative liars who will drain you emotionally.
my ex gf used to do this very same thing to me. she had/has an excessive need for attention from everyone - same sex, opposite sex - it didn't matter. she used to always say it was because i didn't give her what she needed emotionally. i wasn't emotional enough or didn't give her enough attention, etc. basically like what your girlfriend is saying; you neglected her. i tried and i tried and i tried, over and over, to give her what she needed. but nothing i ever did was good enough. it sent me into depression and took all of my self confidence away. i just couldn't make her happy. i allowed her to convince me it was my fault she did these things. similar to what your girlfriend is saying.
no matter how many times my ex said she wouldn't do it again, she always did. she just couldn't help herself. it was almost like a compulsion. this was two years ago. since me, she's gone through two other relationships, all doing the same thing. in fact, she's cheated on her current partner about 10 times, with 10 DIFFERENT people. i'm not saying this is what your girlfriend is doing. but it's not impossible.
this is clearly a perpetual habit of hers. her ex called it and knew something you didn't. now get out and don't look back. she's no good and nothing good will come of being with her.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (8 March 2013):
 Your woman is looking for a new mate and you are wondering what to do? Come on... seriously?
Her ex -- remember he is the guy before you -- told you this would happen. He probably experienced it before and gave you forewarning. I wouldn't have believed it either (coming from him) but now that it is a reality...
In your short post you told us a LOT about your relationship. Perhaps seeing my reiterate it, will help you make a decision:
1) She has a kid. Her ex WILL always be in the picture. If you continue to be with this woman, you will have to support the child (who may never respect you). Are you ready to be a step-parent? Are you ready to have the influence of an ex in your life? Are you ready to deal with any drama he brings to the environment?
2) Your girlfriend is high-strung. Reading between the lines it means you can't talk about difficult things without her becoming irrational and hysterical. This is a recipe for you taking whatever she dishes out and you accepting it for fear of upsetting the status quo. If you can't talk about things -- especially important things, what does that say about your intimacy and balance with her? Are you that desperate to have a girlfriend that you sell yourself short?
3) Your girlfriend wants a lot of attention and when she doesn't get it, she seeks out other men... All relationships go through ups and downs and it sounds like your relationship hit a speed bump. Instead of coming to you with her needs, she chose a dating site. Meaning she is ACTIVELY SEEKING YOUR replacement. You want a woman that you can trust when the chips are down; one who will put you in the #1 position. Are you going to lay awake at night 5 years from now when your relationship is in "ordinary" mode wondering if she is fulfilled? Why would you settle for anything less?
Hopefully you give some thought to the reality of your relationship. I know you have strong feelings for her, but at the same time, it sounds like you are the only one in the relationship for love and commitment. I suspect that if you continue to be with her, you'll have a world of hurt coming your way -- and soon.
Eddie
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (8 March 2013):
 What did she say when you asked her why she went on a dating site instead of talking with you?
Seems you've had a big shock, time to assess the relationship and what you are willing to invest. Also time to find out what she's willing to do to make it work. If her default setting is to go on dating sites whenever she feels stressed then you have a big problem.
Do you fear her? You described her as "highly strung," which suggests she gets angry and nasty?
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (8 March 2013):
 Her ex probably had this happen to him and history repeats itself. It's kind of spooky. You had thought that her ex was jealous but he's like a brother watching out for you. It's possible two exes ago he was told the same thing and it has been a chain reaction for succeeding boyfriends. Some men get comfortable after a while and get lazy, for her, that means neglecting her. She is on her way out already, or maybe she is looking for attention. Let her go. Hopefully she will end up with an obsessive, controlling, and smothering guy.
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