A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I need some advice, I'm thinking of trying to build bridges with an old friend. We fell out last year because he changed badly and not in a good way. He never seemed bothered about seeing me or any of our other mates once his gf came along and I found it very harsh. I said some things that were harsh but all true, as did he. But as times passed on I miss the good times we had and best mate I used to have. However I dont want to feel like I'm crawling back, I do still want to see him and not just to be pushed aside. I believe it wouldnt of ended like it did if some things hadnt been said and I do think this is repairable, as I have spoken to him breifly to wish him a happy birthday and to ask how he was when something bad happened in his home life.But in the same respect I want to be repsected so I dont want to come across as being the puppy chasing its ball. However I know I'm going to have to make the first move, he is someone that when he falls out with anyone he will think well they aint gonna want to hear from me, yes sometimes it hurts him and I dont know how he does it. But at the same time I want to be upfront with the fact I dont deserve to be treated how I was and that if I'm his friend then I don't just want to be someone he see's 3 times a year, I want to be as we were.The other thing that I'm gonna seriously struggle with is that he got hurt and went on holiday with some friends and started smoking, he promised me he would quit but so far he hasn't. He seemed to regret it but I dont know as I haven't seen him for a long time. I'm against smoking more than anything in this world. But the fact his friends n gf smokes its not giving him much support. It makes me cry even thinking about the fact that hes doing it. He was always against it like me. I guess thats because it killed my Grandad, the guy who raised me as a child, so I know the damage it does. And as I'm sure many of you will agree its not a nice thing to be around and its not great to want to enjoy a night out n to have to keep going outside because they want to smoke. I do feel it will break the friendship if we repair it. How could I put that across nicely as I don't want to sound harsh, but I care, maybe abit to much but no one will really understand unless they had the childhood I did.You can say I shouldnt waste my time but I'm sick of living in regret of the "what if" situation and my only way to find out is to take a chance. What could I say? I want to be the nice guy but at the same time I need o stand up for myself n show him I'm not going to be treated like that. I'm either treated as a friend should be and fairly or I'm gone. Thanks for any advice.
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female
reader, llifton  +, writes (8 March 2013):
 honestly, your friend has the right to smoke, if he so chooses. i do understand where you're coming from given your past experiences, and i'm sorry you dealt with that. but if you two can manage to repair your friendship, you don't really have the right to put conditions on it. as friends, we share out thoughts, worries, and concerns with them, but we NEVER force anything upon them. the only time i would suggest intervening and getting into someone's business was if they were a severe drug addict or alcoholic and their drug of choice was about to kill them. at which point i would probably tell a parent or someone who could intervene. but smoking cigarettes isn't in that category.
we may not always love the deisions our friends make, but it certainly isn't our place to cast judgements. we love them no matter what.
so in my opinion, if i were you, i wouldn't put conditions on the friendship you're wanting to rebuild.
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