A
female
age
36-40,
*ewbern
writes:Guys, I need help, I think I'm going mad.I've been in this relationship now for around 9 years. We love each other, but many a time during the first few years I slipped and cheated on my excellent boyfriend. I told him and we managed to work it out somehow.After going throuh some hell, 4 years ago I promised to stop and to give this relationship all I could.It went well, but over the last month or two I started having weird feelings again. This time for a colleague. I tried everything I could to stop, but the flirting kept increasing until, last Saturday, at the work do, we got drunk and started snogging and then I ended up spending the whole night at his place, in his bed, and we had amazing sex.I got home after midday and when my boyfriend got mad at me (he clearly suspected something was going on for a few weeks), I told him. He was quite harsh and even called me names, until I told him that maybe we should split up because every few years or so, I keep cheating on him. But that's when he started crying and begged me to stay with him. What should I do? I love my boyfriend, but I fancy the other guy way more than my boyfriend, way way more. I've never felt as attracted to a man as I do to him at the moment, ever -but i fear it's an infatuation.
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female
reader, newbern +, writes (8 August 2013):
newbern is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry, I just read what "A reader, anonymous" wrote today.
You wrote: "Unless it secretly turns him on."
I thought that as well. After all the jealousy and the anger, I've noticed that my b/f's sex drive skyrockets every time we speak about what we do. I asked him and he denied - firmly.
Last night though he literally jumped on me begging for sex. I've read somewhere that, when men get mega jealous, they also get very sexual in a sort of territorial way.
A
female
reader, newbern +, writes (8 August 2013):
newbern is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your kind interest.
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A
male
reader, Jinxyjonah1 +, writes (8 August 2013):
 Ok Well, from the majority of responses I believe you probably get the message by now..what you knew anyway..You must leave him.Assuming he is and has been faithful to you down the years, it has to be said you are just one incredibly selfish individual who wants the best of everything at his emotional expense.This man (who you described as an excellent boyfriend) quite clearly loves you, is in love with you and cares about you so much that he's prepared to forgive you every time you kick him in the nuts!Sorry if this is harsh but quite simply..your behaviour and lack of respect for him and his commitment screams loud and clearly that you do not deserve him. You need to wake up and see through the BS excuses your spouting...you can't honestly expect sympathy and understanding because he bought you an "incredible engagement ring" when you last fessed up you'd dropped your pants for someone else. That's why you can't leave him?..are you for real?!What I wonder is ...do you actually consider what this is doing to him at all?What he is going through? I don't think you even want to. You certainly don't say anything that suggests you have any concerns for what you're doing to him every time you're unfaithful ...and I'm sorry but the fact you confess every time is not a reason to convince yourself you possess a conscience or to take any kind of moral high ground.Every time you went with another man and told your boyfriend, what you were actually telling him is he is not enough for you..as "excellent" as he is, he just can't give you the thrills you quite clearly need and seek in life. Doing that once is heartache enough for him.. Twice ..terrible! But several times is just cruel and I'm wondering if you might actually be getting a little kick out of it..watching him fall apart and beg.You imply Passionate Sex and loving sex are not the same thing..have you never had both?..with the same person? Look..if sex is more important to you than love at this point in your life (and can cause you to repeatedly hurt somebody you supposedly love) then you quite clearly are not cut out to be in a faithful relationship. Do him a huge favour and get out of his life. He will hurt and probably take ages to recover but he's had 9 years of it...a cycle of hope and disappointment...of having his pride kicked to pieces. He's probably lost sight of who he was before you came along. Give him a break. Give him his life back. If you don't and continue without changing (which by your actions is highly unlikely) you will just prolong his recovery and take away more of his time to be happy and respected by someone who genuinely appreciates and cares about him.Oh...and give the poor bloke his ring back.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2013): I think you should split up. Is he desperate to be with you because he thinks he will never find anyone else? 99.9% of guys would have dumped you by now. Unless it secretly turns him on.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (8 August 2013):
 I actually don't think you deserve the harshness. Fair enough, cheating is both mean, selfish and cruel, but it's not like your boyfriend is mr. innocent. He knew what he was getting himself into after the first time you cheated, so everything after that is by his consent. He should have ended the relationship the first time it happened. So should you have.
If you loved him you would leave him, because you KNOW that it isn't in his best interest to stay with you. He might say he doesn't want you to leave, but that's because he's got his own issues (yes, he's not mr innocent, he's got issues). But ask yourself if you think this is good enough for him? Doesn't he deserve a girlfriend who is faithful? Set him free, even if he objects. It's for his own good, and if his personal problems result in him being incapable of making wise decisions for himself, then be the adult and make the right decisions for him.
As for you, surely you know he isn't the right man for you. Maybe a monogamous relationship isn't for you, or maybe your boyfriend just isn't the right man for you. Who knows, but you won't ever find out unless you end this and move on to something more fulfilling.
Cheating = a relationship not working! Your relationship is not an exception to this rule. If there is cheating, end the relationship. There's nothing more to add. Especially if the cheating turns into a pattern, there is nothing really to discuss. It needs to be ended.
So he'll cry, he'll bawl. He'll get over it. He's an adult, he'll be fine. He is going to do a lot better as a single person than as a man in a relationship with a woman who cheats. Such things really do tare a person down and brings them to an absolute low. So instead of destroying whatever self respect he has left (although it sounds like there was little of it in him from the start), you should set him free so he can start to heal and build himself up again. Being with you will ONLY tear him down. Not necessarily because you might cheat again, but because you've done it already and he wont heal from it unless he gets you out of his life. He doesn't understand this himself, but you understand this. So be the adult here and make the decision for him. It is in his best interest, as well as yours.
As for this new man... or why you cheat to begin with.. Well, I'll leave that one up to you to figure out. But one thing I will tell you, and that is to own up to your actions. You didn't "try to stop" anything from happening. You are the only one who controls what your body does, what your mouth says, and where your feet decide to walk. You walked up to his room on your own two feet, you said things to him out of your own free will. You didn't try to stop it, and it wasn't an accident. It was 100% your conscious decision to cheat. You need to own up to that, before you can start to figure out why you do it.
And try to remember that while people judge your actions, they aren't the judge of you as a person. You aren't a horrible person, but your actions can be cruel. That doesn't mean you can't change it. Cheating isn't necessarily a part of your identity, or a part of who you are. It's just a thing you've done, and you can decide to stop doing it. Just like a smoker isn't defined by the cigarettes: he can quit smoking. Whether you cheat or not doesn't mean you are a bad person, but if you allow yourself to continue to do these things your actions will come to define you in the eyes of others. However you can, at any point, decide to stop it and change. This cheating label doesn't have to hang over your head for the rest of your life, you can remove it, if you have the motivation to do it.
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female
reader, MSA  +, writes (8 August 2013):
 Sometimes, love and passion are two different things.
If you can control for passion for someone else and focus on the love you have for your boyfriend and try to ignite passion with him.. then I really think you should try it.
However, if you cannot.. then please let your boyfriend go.
There is no right or wrong.. it's either you feel it or don't feel it. So, don't be too harsh on yourself... go with your heart.
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A
female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (8 August 2013):
Wow!! Your boyfriend is a very sweet man. You clearly need to leave him. You do not care for him. If you did you wouldn't be doing this. I also want to state that "amazing sex" doesn't mean love and a relationship.I wish you good luck. You need to leave your boyfriend. He needs to find someone who loves and respect him. You also need to find someone who will do the same.
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female
reader, newbern +, writes (8 August 2013):
newbern is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks all for your answers. Fair enough you'e being harsh. I deserve it :-(However, if i may, you don't know what it's like. He just won't let me split up. The last time I had an affair, I told him, and he presented me with a stunning engagement ring. It's not as easy as you make it sound.Also, I do love him. I know some of you said I don't, but nine years is a long time and, even after I strayed I chose him in the end. I do believe love and sex and not always the same thing.
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female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (7 August 2013):
 "He was quite harsh and even called me names ..." whereas anyone with a decent level of self respect or self esteem would simply have told you to eff off. He has issues, as do you.
OP, 9 years of his putting up with this outright crap does not make your behaviour acceptable. He may accept it, I don't.
I do not apologise for being blunt on this occasion; I'm not going to sugarcoat it.. Your cheating has pressed my anger button.
Yeah he might shed some tears at the moment, but his future is WAY better off without you in it. He will get this in time. So leave. Sort your sorry self out.
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A
female
reader, MsSadie +, writes (7 August 2013):
 So, you don't respect your boyfriend enough to remain faithful to him, but you want us to believe that you respect him too much to leave him sobbing and lonely?For real, just end it with him. He'll get over it.
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A
female
reader, SilverVintage +, writes (7 August 2013):
 If you know its an infatuation, why would you risk 9 years of love love for an infatuation that may not last as nearly as long? Infatuation is NOT neither is attraction... Both do not last long. I think you are cheating your boyfriend out of his love life. honestly. You are using him for the convenience of yourself and that is wrong. He has forgiven you for cheating twice and you continue to use his weakness for you as a crutch. Do him a big favor and leave him. He will find someone who cherishes, respects and appreciates his love and devotion... You don't deserve it.You have made the conscious decision to continue to cheat and be unfaithful. You will feel it sooner or later. As "WiseOwlE" stated, don't be surprised when karma kicks you in your butt and you will be in his position soon enough... I'm not judging but you screwed up, big time. Take responsibility as a woman should and learn from it.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (7 August 2013):
Love, care, trust and respect are all key to a healthy relationship. Ask yourself what you and your partner have of these 4 key, core issues. You say you love him, but your actions suggest otherwise. The other 3 are already gone ...
Putting the other man to one side (though, yes it's infatuation), your current relationship is not working. You know that.
Your partner is crying and begging you to stay with him after you've been unfaithful. That's indicative of a co-dependant, unhealthy relationship.
What should you do? In my honest opinion, leave your partner, get your head together (which means being single - yes single - including NO fumblings with coworkers or anyone else) and start afresh.
If you can't face the idea of being on your own, confront that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2013): You already know what you're going to do. You've gotten away with cheating twice. You're going to continue cheating.
You're using your boyfriend; because it's convenient and secure. You cheat on him for the thrill of it all. Don't you think it's a bit too easy? He cried and begged you to stay?
Really!?
Wise to keep your half of the bills coming in; and sharing a bed, until he has broadened his options.
He may love you, not your cheating.
Don't be surprised when karma kicks you in your cheating ass.
He may be plotting your breakup, and looking for your replacement as we exchange these posts.
What goes around, comes around, my dear.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (7 August 2013):
 You clearly need to leave your boyfriend, as you have no loyalty to him at all. If you can keep doing this to him, you need to break up with him. He loves you too much to do it. So you owe it to him to let him find someone who loves him more and will treat him with respect. Cheating is the ultimate betrayal. Let him go.
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