A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm really interested in helping women with body issues, but I don't know where to start. We've all heard of the negative messages that are out there telling women that small breasted women are automatically less attractive than large breasted women, and that small breasts means you're not "womanly". Not to mention all the other messages put out like having the slightest bit of extra body fat makes you disgusting, all men like the "perfect" figure portrayed in the media and think it's the ideal. Oh, and if they say they don't, they MUST be lying or gay, etc etc. They portray men as robots with no opinions of their own, and generalize way too much. How can I possibly even begin to undo all that? I feel so powerless, but I want to help so badly. I know so many women who suffer with body issues, seen women posting online about it, and I'd be a liar if I said I never felt discouraged about my appearance. Don't get me wrong. I would also like to help men if possible, because I understand they have it drilled into their heads women prefer large penises and if they say otherwise, they MUST be lying. So it works both ways. Body "imperfections" seem to bother women more than men, though, so that's why I started off mentioning women. Too many women concern themselves with things like who their male partners might be masturbating to, comparing themselves to women on t.v. and even in the street. Some women won't even watch movies with their partners in fear he might look at the women and think they're more attractive, and get aroused. It's just so sad these women feel the need to do this. And too many people of both genders are quick to write them off as having "issues", and being in need of therapy. They don't look at the REAL issue, which is what caused the women to feel this way in the first place. Instead, they throw labels at her (or him in some cases), such as "insecure", "jealous", or they treat it like a control issue. They tell her to stop trying to control a man's sexuality. That's my favorite statement of them all (note the sarcasm). All of these labels are are worthless insults that don't solve anything, and only make women feel worse about themselves. Because not only does it not solve the problem, but now she has random angry men online telling her this is how it is, and if you don't like it too damn bad. The only thing I can think of that comes even remotely close to trying to solve the real problem is when Dove did that campaign for "real beauty". So how can one person make a difference? Do you have any suggestions on how I could get positive messages out there people will actually pay attention to? Should I begin with a facebook page? That's what my husband suggested. Is that a good idea, and will it help at all? What are some other steps I could take? I would like comments from both men and women.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2013): Janniepeg: Author if the original post again.
I see what you're saying about people being able to admire something without comparing themselves to it. Unfortunately, a lot of women are unable to do this, and the ones who are able to seem to be in the minority. I haven't met many women who think like you, I'll put it that way.
My guesses on why it affects some people and not others depends on how much attention they pay to it. Like how much t.v. they watch, how much they keep up on celebrities and such. The type of men they spend time with could also play a part. If they've had the misfortune of only meeting men who compare them to "perfect" women then they'll probably start to believe that's how all men think, and feel like they'll never be enough to fully satisfy a man. I imagine women with perfect bodies can still have low self esteem because they make the mistake of comparing themselves to other women. There is always going to be a woman who is prettier no matter how pretty one woman is. If she happens to see the women who are prettier and compares herself, she's going to feel inadequate. I get what you mean by a woman who doesn't feel bad about herself, but just wants to be better. I'm this way myself. I'm definitely attractive, but there are a few things I don't like about myself that other people probably don't even notice.
Yes, I believe confidence is a personality trait. I think this because I have an older sister who is extremely confident with herself. She wears whatever she wants even though her body isn't "perfect", and she doesn't care if someone else doesn't like it. She's very outgoing and can talk to anyone without being nervous. I, on the other hand, have never been like that. I worry about peoples' opinions of me, especially about my job performance and appearance. I have a physically demanding job and have days where I'm tired or didn't have enough to eat, and therefore I don't do as well. I tend to assume people will think less of me on those days. I also dress to hide parts of my body I don't care for as much. I'm shy and get nervous around new people. So I'm the complete opposite of my sister. I believe some people can fake confidence, and it helps them, but it doesn't work for everybody.
Yes, I think men should help women when they can. Some do help by not looking at other women in their partners' presence, and not commenting on another woman's appearance. They frequently compliment their women as well. They get how sensitive some women are. Others, however, are very rude about looking at other women, commenting about them, and comparing them. These men can definitely influence a woman's self esteem, and I've dated men like this myself, and have known other women who have. I've also seen questions on multiple different websites about it. I think this type of man doesn't even realize how awful it can make a woman feel. I do tend to be sensitive so I've taken things men have said to heart, and it hurt.
The reality is out there, but most men don't read the types of magazines that show things like that so I imagine a lot of them still don't know. Women who read those magazines would know, but they also know plenty of men still desire those women. So it still affects their self esteem. For example, look how many times Megan Fox was accused of having different plastic surgeries and botox, and wearing too much makeup. Did that stop men from thinking she's sexy and lusting for her? No way. I even heard my sister in law arguing with her boyfriend once about whether or not she was attractive. That's why I picked her for my example. Her boyfriend kept saying Megan Fox is one of the hottest women on Earth, and my sister in law kept saying everything about her is fake. All he had to say about that was she must be jealous. I think it's safe to assume he never looked into what she said to see if she was right, and kept right on thinking Megan Fox was hotter than his own girlfriend.
You're right, I can't help women who don't want to be helped. I can at least try my best to, right? I'd like to believe there is something I can say or do that would help. Maybe it's just a matter of finding the right words would reach them, even if they're being stubborn.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (9 August 2013):
 The media does influence me. I am one of many who is conditioned to believe a 36-24-36 is the ideal. What I should say is the media is trying to sell a product but it could only hurt those who believe that's the only way to feel good about themselves. You can admire an ideal without feeling bad about your own body.
My curiosity is in how come it affects some people but not all? How come people who have perfect bodies are still insecure with themselves? And how about people who want to better themselves not because they feel bad about how they look, they are pretty and they just want to be prettier?
Do you think of confidence as a personality trait, either you have it or not, or can you really fake it until you make it? Should men help women feel about themselves or is it the women's sole responsibility? Do you not filter what people say or do you take it everything in a sensitive way?
With fashion magazines that showcase models, there are just as many others which high lights the flaws of celebrities without makeup, ones with wrinkles, stretch marks and even those with post surgery disasters. The reality is out there. I do think that when people want to compare themselves with the ideal and ignore reality they will always find things that upset them.
I think it is a noble cause to want to help women but most importantly those women have to want to help themselves. The problem is not because they don't know, but because they want to be miserable, sometimes as a way to get attention.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2013): I'm the author of this post. I want to thank everyone for your comments and suggestions, and I will take your advise. There are some statements one poster made that I want to go over that I feel may have been misinterpreted from my original post:
"This post kind of assumes that all imperfect women have low confidence when it's not true. I think you are leaving out those women who have no problem with porn."
I didn't use the word "all" anywhere when I was talking about women. I used "too many", or "a lot". I know not all "imperfect" women have body issues. The number of women who do are in the majority, though, and there is no denying that. Also, just because a woman is okay with porn doesn't automatically mean she can't have body issues.
"The media does not intentionally cause women to become insecure."
Yes, they do. They purposely chose a look that is unattainable for most women to be the "ideal". A lot of businesses DO want messages put out there so women will feel insecure and want to change themselves. This is so women everywhere will spend thousands of dollars on plastic surgery, makeup, hair extensions and other beauty products to achieve this look. It's marketing. And, it works. They also use images of women with this look to sell plenty of other products, especially products for men. The subliminal message is there if you buy this product women who look like this will desire you. I imagine most men don't even consciously have this thought, but their subliminal minds pick it up.
"There is science as to why people consider big breasts, slim waist and big hips as attractive. Breasts: nurturing. Slim waist: youthful. Big hips: good for reproduction."
There is no arguing the big hips and slim waist part of this. The big breasts thing is a misconception from the days when we didn't know any better. However, it's since been proven that small breasts have no problem what so ever producing milk. The "big breasts produce more milk" thing is a myth. Breast size is largely determined by fat cells. Milk production is largely determined by mammary glands. Large breasts can be mostly fat, with very little glandular tissue, and therefore have low supply. On the other hand, small breasts can be mostly glandular, with very little fat, and can produce in abundance. The amount and production capacity of the glandular tissue is determined by hormones, not the amount of fat that is nearby. Sorry for getting into all that, but the argument that men like big breasts more because they can better nurture their offspring is getting rather old and irritating, especially since it's been proven to be untrue. If anything, it's actually the opposite.
Also, if small breasts was shoved down our throats as "ideal" from the media, then a lot more men would prefer them, regardless of science. Women with large breasts would then feel they can never measure up while small breasted women would feel much better about their bodies. You can't tell me the media doesn't influence peoples' opinions at all, and that their preferences are all "science". They may not realize they've been influenced, but that doesn't mean they haven't been. I'm not saying EVERY man who prefers large breasts has been influenced by the media, but some definitely have. However, ALL women who feel inferior for having small breasts have been influenced by either the media or men with a preference for large breasts. What other reason could there possibly be to feel inferior over the size of your breasts?
"I think it is impossible to stop the exponential growth of adult images and videos and try to reform what beauty means to people. Nor could you stop men from watching porn."
I don't want to stop the growth of adult images, nor am I anti porn. I never even mentioned porn. I mentioned the negative messages the media gives women. I want to help women with low self esteem feel better about themselves, and make them (and men) realize that look is unattainable for most women, and the majority of women who look like that have spent ridiculous amounts of money to alter themselves. A very small percentage of women have ALL the qualities of the "perfect" look naturally, yet it's displayed everywhere like it's a common occurrence. It sends the message that regular women are "flawed". They might have big breasts but not a small waist, or a small waist but narrow hips and/or small breasts. After all, since breasts are made of fat, very few women with a low percentage of body fat are going to have REALLY big breasts. See what I mean? Even if a woman has NEARLY all the qualities of the "ideal" look, if she is missing even one and finds out her partner looking at images of women with ALL the qualities of the ideal, it's going to make her think he's looking at those images because she's lacking. The logic makes sense, even if it's not true. Let's also not forget that some men DO compare their partners to those women. What they fail to realize is that it's pointless to compare because it's an unfair comparison. If their partners had all kinds of money to spend on their appearance like the women they drool over do, they would look just as good.
"Complaining about men, the media doesn't solve the problem either."
I just wanted to make sure my post was clear on details of the issues I want to get resolved. I gave examples to make sure I was understood. I didn't say those things to complain. I feel this remark was a bit condescending if I'm perfectly honest.
All that said, I still appreciate your input.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (8 August 2013):
 Is there a major university by you? They can hook you up. There are outreach organistions on all levels, from grade school to college. As long as you are a volunteer, they will be interested. Check with your local chamber of congress as well. There are lots and lots of agencies looking for volunteers.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (8 August 2013):
I believe that-
A monogamous relationship is itself a control of sexuality.
There is a universal standard of physical beauty, only it's different from one era to another.
Therapy is a futile attempt at damage control, the common problem of body image issues.
Modern men are still somewhat ruled by primal instincts, such as our perception of attractiveness, and survival of the fittest still applies today.
We are idealistic and some people like competition.
This post kind of assumes that all imperfect women have low confidence when it's not true. I think you are leaving out those women who have no problem with porn. The media does not intentionally cause women to become insecure. It's not men who are trying to hurt women. Women out there want to flaunt their figures too because there is a great demand. There is science as to why people consider big breasts, slim waist and big hips as attractive. Breasts: nurturing. Slim waist: youthful. Big hips: good for reproduction. These are visual triggers.
Fat women used to be considered the most beautiful. Examples would be Yang Gui Fei in Tang Dynasty and that Venus painted by Botticelli. Beauty pageants 40 years ago were heavier. Then came the fashion model industry that worship preteen gaunt figures. Nowadays it's the promotion of plastic surgery, wanting to make every girl a real life Barbie. The concept of beauty changes from time to time so there will always be one type of women who's the ideal.
When I read the title I immediately thought of Dove. They showcase natural women who look like real people. There is natural beauty and there is stunning vixen. Natural beauty makes you feel comfortable while the sexy goddesses are women that men wank to. The reason why the media is saturated with boobs and asses is because we live in a sexually suppressed society in which sex is bad outside a relationship, men have to have money, a house and a car to be worthy of sex. Sexual images help men get a release.
50 years ago it was playboy magazines. 20 years ago when my brother was a teenager a sexy pic on the computer took 3 minutes to download. Now everything is a click of a button.
I think it is impossible to stop the exponential growth of adult images and videos and try to reform what beauty means to people. Nor could you stop men from watching porn.
I had a habit of watching porn and I do pick thin girls to look at. I can not help what turns me on.
I believe confidence comes from within and it comes from life experience and achievements.
If you want to create a facebook page. I would be helpful to recruit those who had suffered from body image issues and found ways to conquer it. Those who had never had these issues would never understand. Complaining about men, the media doesn't solve the problem either.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2013): Why not be an agony aunt? this would help you reach people. There are plenty of men and women who come on hear worried about body image.It is great that the world has an army of people like you, who want to help heal people.Good luck, you can reach many people just by one positive word, because they too, one day, will remember, how it helped them and say the same words to another.You ask what other steps could you take,Remember humour is also a good healing tool for sensitive issues.Someone shouts out 'you've only got small boobs',answer: 'If they were big, they would still be lost in your gob' I've used it a couple of times, and I know who walks away feeling better.
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A
female
reader, MsSadie +, writes (7 August 2013):
 Does it have to be you and you alone who "makes a difference"? Because there are already plenty of groups, blogs, and feminist events that promote exactly what you're talking about.Why not join one of those? Or network with people within that community so that you can all together create a movement or "safe place" of sorts.
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (7 August 2013):
 Interesting post. Im actually a guy who adapted to what society in general sees acceptable physically. I used to be big n flabby now im lean and big. Quite honestly being pissed off and letting that drive me to achieve a good body women desire has paid more than its dividends. My perks of my new physique are endless, including gaining more self confidence. My situation was ppl always told me more bad than good about how i looked. I admire you for trying and encouraging. I would overall say it does not hurt to try just dont expect a lot to come of your unique and good intention.
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