A
female
age
30-35,
*misty777
writes:I cheated on my man.I was wrong, I admit it, and I would turn back time and stay true to him if I could.But I can't, and I let him know that, but now he treats me like I do it everyday, conrtolling me and always accusing me of doing stuff with other guys behind his back when I'm not.He stated that he's with me because he still loves me, but there is no love when there is no trust. I love my man so much and think of him as my everything, but now he is pushing me away trying to keep me closer- Ican't handle it anymore!!!I told him he will never get over it- he would always bring it up. What should I do?
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female
reader, charliesdevil73 +, writes (7 October 2010):
 You cheated and cheating is wrong. That is why he is acting this way. My fiance and I have a no strike policy, so you should be happy that he is even trying to still be with you. I would have left the minute you told me. He may never fully trust you again, and you need to realize that now. You said you want to be with him for the rest of your life and marry him. Well, one thing people say is to decide if you can live with things that the other does that bothers you everyday for the rest of your life. Can you live with him doubting your faithfulness for the rest of your life? If not, you may have to realize you messed up and let him go. Sorry to be so blunt, but it's the truth.
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (6 October 2010):
 Those are valid reasons. You two should set certain boundaries before moving. It's easy to compromise the other when the opportunity presents itself. You need your time as well as he needs some freedom to party. Establish how much time will be spent out partying. You do this so you two understand where the other is coming from, then there won't be excuses as to why he's out more than you might have hoped he would be.
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female
reader, tmisty777 +, writes (6 October 2010):
tmisty777 is verified as being by the original poster of the question I truelly do want to be with him for the rest of my life, and that is why I feel like I should just marry him, but we are going to be moving into a much bigger, and more of a party-type, town, and he had already stated that he will be out with friends more and drinking more, I want to make sure that if I am not okay with that lifestyle when we get there, that I am able to leave if he choses not to listen to what I have to say and act apon it...
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (2 October 2010):
You contradicted yourself. You said you want to be with him for the rest of your life, and that you want to get married to him, but you don't know if you're ready. Let me ask you something. It your desire to be with him for life is true, then would it matter if you said "I do" tomorrow or five years from now? I believe if you are firm with your feelings, and being with him for life is what you want, then you are ready.
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female
reader, tmisty777 +, writes (1 October 2010):
tmisty777 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just want to say, that even though it has been a while since I had written this question, that life is going good with my man, we are doing a lot better, had a couple moments where we got into an argument over him asuming things, but over all I am falling deeply in love with this guy! Thank you all for your help in keeping me with him, I truely just needed someone to tell me how they felt. He has been talking about marriage lately, and I don't truely know if I'm ready, even though I do want to be with him for the rest of my life, and that I do want to marry him- just don't know if I'm ready.
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (14 June 2010):
This is why that exercise is important. It's no longer about you. It's about him and healing. What you did is done, and in the past. What he's doing is currently and presently affecting your relationship. You choose him, he chooses you, that's it. No room for assuming where their is no evidence to base such assumptions by. Tell him that if he wishes to keep you, to start treating you as if you are his one and only choice. You both need to do that. It's like, drawing a box around the both of you, as if you two are the only people in existence.
I have a fiance, who is gorgeous. Something I personally had to change my views to was the fact that I am not the only one who believes that. I'm sure she leaves the house, and other guys have "wash mind out with soap" thoughts. This developed a fear, as if I was in competition with the outside world. What I had to drill into my thinking, and it wasn't easy, was that she chose me. As long as she chooses me, does it matter how others view her? Instead of treasuring her choosing me, I was treating it like I'd have to send armed guards out with her, not to keep her safe, but to assure she'd continue choosing me with all the other choices out there. That was wrong thinking. I told you this because reading your story it seems as if he may have some of the armed guard mentality going on as well. These things you two need to discuss, and keep affirming who you choose to him, so that will develop as a firm belief, and not be established by fear.
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female
reader, tmisty777 +, writes (13 June 2010):
tmisty777 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI cheated on him in the beggining of our relationship- i wasn't in love with him but I do understand that I was in a relationship and shouldn't have persued other men.
Over 6 months after that he had found out, while our relationship was going so smoothly and I realized that I loved him and wanted to be with him forever. It was going amazing- the way he looked at me and treated me, and how we were so good to each other!
I wasn't doin anythig anymore- and I had wnted to keep it secret because I didnt want it to interfeer with how our relationship was going, and I wasn't doing it anymore and didn't even want to look at other guys- I just love him.
I'm not going to leave him though, I will be patient, because know he wants to be with me and I can proove myself to him- I don't think I could love anyone as much as him. I might be able to love another man if something happened, but wouldn't be able to fall in love again.
Thank you guys for all of your advice!
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (13 June 2010):
You say you love him as much as you do, then why'd you cheat? What's missing where the affect of your actions didn't matter much at the time?
First, lets look at the impact and why his behavior has become more controlling. Various psychological tests have been done where the impact of being cheated on produces a traumatic response equivalent to a rape victim. Why does he act with more control? Part stems from feelings of inadequacy, but most of all a sense of fear of being violated again. Another way of looking at it is: You cheated, therefore, he just isn't good enough.
A method I've found in working with others that has been effective when one person has been cheated on is this: He's given an opportunity, without any rebuttal or justification from you, to tell you how your actions affected him. You sit and listen while he unloads his emotions. When he is finished he is to forgive you, in full, and commits to starting over without this act interfering from that day forward. Forgiving is not forgetting. It is choosing to no longer live with the pain caused by someone else.
I have seen relationships be repaired by doing that exercise. Often these little, but often distrustful outbursts are because the pain needs to be released. I hope this helps. Take care.
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female
reader, tmisty777 +, writes (13 June 2010):
tmisty777 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have had that thought cross my mind, I told hm that he would be much better off without me, but he wants this relationship, I tell him that he would never be happy with me and he tells me that he has never been happier wih anyone as much as he is with me. I tell him that I hould just disapear to make him happy, and he says that he doesn't understand how that would make him happier. He wans ths relationship, and I know he is happy with me and wants a future with me...
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2010): Im a guy who was cheated on 13 years ago. It would have been better if we had not gotten back together. The pain never goes away. The trust is never 100% regained. The only reason I stayed was "for better or for worse". I wish she had stayed with the looser because Id either be alone or with somone I could trust. Either way Id be better off. So if you love him and want to see him happy somday then end it with him. He will seem confused and hurt but somday he will be able to trust and love unlike what you made which is love and no trust.Sorry if its harsh but its true
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female
reader, raiders +, writes (11 June 2010):
 **Typo sorry*** You have a great guy he was able to forgive you for being unfaithful don't you think he has a right to want to hold a shield up, since you already broke his heart once.
One more thing, how do you think your boyfriend felt the minute he found out his girlfriend was cheating on him, yet he was able to forgive you, but here you are making a big deal because he don't trust you.
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female
reader, tmisty777 +, writes (11 June 2010):
tmisty777 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'll be patient,I do love him, but he will be moving to Arizona soon and wants me to go with- I don't have full faith in our relationship anymore because of all of the arguments and it's been very rocky, but I will wait and see where we're at when he's ready to leave
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female
reader, raiders +, writes (11 June 2010):
You broke his trust by cheating. He forgave you but it will be hard for him to completely trust you. Your going to have to gain his trust. I find it a bit disturbing how you are reacting to his behavior because it is understandable. I think you should be patience, when we cheat we break that trust in a minute and it might take a life time to rebuild. You have a great guy he was able to forgive you when you for being unfaithful don't you think he has a right to want to hold a shield up, since you already broke his heart once.
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female
reader, tmisty777 +, writes (11 June 2010):
tmisty777 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you- I have gave him the option of me leaving therelationship, but he wants to be with me. I want to b with him too, I just do all that I can to prove myself to him and a=I can't do anymore...
I'll give him the option again saying that I won't be abl to take much anymore.
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female
reader, petina1  +, writes (11 June 2010):
 He needs to get over it, but it will be very hard. If you can't live with the accusations then it will destroy you both. You need to suggest that you will walk away from the relationship if that's what he wants. If he doesnt want that then he must agree to forgive and forget. That would have to be his choice, otherwise he will never trust you and you won't be able to live your life freely. Hope this helps.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (11 June 2010):
 You blew his trust. It takes a VERY LONG time to get over that and rebuild it. Don't blame your guy for being hyper obsessive about it, because you hurt him in ways you can't even imagine, and every time the image of you in another man's arms pops up in his head, it's like being stabbed with the dagger over and over again.
You can either stay with him, work it out, and being ULTRA patient, or you can end the relationship. But you can't get mad at him for how he's acting, because you were the one who wrecked the trust.
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