A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm about to get married to my bf of 5 years I do love him very much and I am very happy that we are going to get married, but I am having second doubts about getting married, because I am guilty of cheating on him once in the past, while we were together we were going through a hard time and I messed up and cheated It only happened once. Don't get me wrong I love him with all my heart and I would be so hurt if I lost him.so now that things have gotten better we are deciding to get married but I'm feeling so guilty of getting married knowing that I cheated on him.I don't know whether to just go on and get married or hold off on it. I don't plan to confess that I cheated so that is out of question but I also don't know if I would be doing right by getting married and feeling guilty over it I don't know what to do.... I can't picture my life without out him we have a two year daughter and I want to be with him and our child so we can raise her together I am not with him because of our kid I'm with him because I love him and couldn’t imagine my life with out him!!! I don't know what to do...please help and no rude comment please I need advice real bad!!!! Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Gauntlet  +, writes (28 December 2013):
 Just forget about it (and cut any relationship with this loser). He just want to use You to empty his testes, can't you understand it ? Or maybe it is what you want to be, a scum vacuum for the rest of your life... because after the first time - oh, never again ! - there will be a second time, and a third time and in no time, you will be (A) the "second wife" of these polygamist, or (B) be dumped with all the regrets you will ever have about that bad affair.
My piece of advice: find yourself somebody nice, trusty, someone you will be proud to present to your family. Fill your life with positive experiences, and don't waste your time... nor your self esteem.
A
male
reader, Gauntlet +, writes (28 December 2013):
"Don't get me wrong I love him with all my heart and I would be so hurt if I lost him."
Well, you know what ? I didn't get you wrong, YOU get yourself wrong. When one really loves someone deeply and sincerely, he or her has that thought in mind all the time, and cheating can't ever be an option (and the idea of oneself being the victim of that sort of act would be unbearable).
There are pulsions, and there are a lot of means to get rid of, as masturbation. A lot of pedophiles never ever rape a kid "just" by toning their so-hard pulsions through masturbation.
If these guys achieve such a score, it's because their sense of moral is stronger than their despotic pulsions. As for you, uou accepted to let your pulsions dominate your body, and for an orgasm or two, you may have ruined the sweet life you could have had.
If your boyfriend knows he has been cheated on, even if he forgives, things will never be the same and maybe one day he will cheat on you because you did it first. If he doesn't know what you did, YOU will never forget you have made something wrong, something that would break your husband heart, even if he discovers the truth in 10 years.
Be proud of yourself my dear.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (22 December 2013):
Marriage is the single most important decision anyone could make, other than who to have children with, which is hopefully ultimately the same decision. That said, most mistakes in this decision come down to two reasons - the first is ignoring the information in front of you. The second is not having the information in front of you.
He should have all the information in front of him before making a decision. Not to tell him would be the height of selfishness.
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A
male
reader, Boost  +, writes (19 December 2013):
I get that you wouldn't want him to know. However I can honestly say telling him would be best. If you don't get married he'll want an explanation so you will also have to lie and uphold that lie. The truth will always come out in time. I've been cheated on a couple of times now and I've not been told, after a few months however I have then found out from someone else. For me the worst thing was not being told the truth cheating was bad enough but the lack of honesty was what caused me to dump them
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 December 2013):
 Dear anonymous OP,
I understand that you love your guy and you feel guilty about your former bad behavior. I also hear that you don’t want us to tell you to confess because you don’t plan to confess. Therefore I will advise you based on this NON-confession.
DO NOT MARRY HIM. That’s right cancel the wedding. Live with him and have the life you like without the piece of paper. You will continue to feel guilt and it will come and go and grow over the years and become all-consuming of your time and energy as you figure out ways to assuage your guilt over doing something you know was wrong.
I’m not going to beat you up over it. My dad cheated on my mom once… a brief affair when they were married 25 years. Mom found out. Dad was truly sorry and mom forgave him and he never cheated on her again (or before). I do believe that there are ONE TIME things that happen.
I also believe that your future husband has a right to know all the truth if it’s going to eat you up. The guilt is your brain telling you that you must make amends. I think you are afraid he is going to be one of those men who can’t or won’t forgive cheating. If he is then you have a bigger choice to make… marry with a lie and swallow it and bury it and PRAY it does not come out at a later date (either you or someone else spilling the beans by mistake later on) or tell him the truth and let him make his own choice.
Maybe you can find a qualified therapist to help you work this through and then figure out how to tell him so you can proceed with the wedding guilt free.
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A
female
reader, Lieutenant +, writes (19 December 2013):
I'm not sure exactly what your agenda is. You feel guilty, I get that. Now you are considering holding off on the wedding so that what would happen? You clearly stated that you have no intentions of telling your fiance that you were creeping, but what explanations do you plan on giving him when he asks you why you no longer want to get married? Are you going to make something up and lie to him? You would only be increasing the destruction that you have already started on your relationship single handedly. Not only would "cheater" be on your conscience, you would also be a liar (btw you already are a liar because, not only are you lying to your fiance, you're lying to yourself that what you're doing is ok, regardless of the guilt. If you haven't already convinced yourself that it was ok, you would have told him a long time ago). I'm not sure what the time frame between you cheating and having your child is, but if the cheating preceded the child, then obviously you've been living a lie for quite some time. Leading your fiance on for this long is deceitful.Like you said, you're not going to tell him that you cheated and regardless of whether or not you get married, your guilty conscience is not going to disappear. You might think that your decision to call off your wedding is somehow going to ameliorate your guilt, but errr it's not. Since you've decided to live a lie, you just have to deal with the guilt. Your choice.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2013): "It's better for everyone to keep it quiet"
"I'll spare him the knowledge and suffer the guilt"
Whatever. Even the worst cheaters usually grow a conscience and get worried about what's best for their partner just at the perfect times - whenever it can be used to justify keeping themselves out of trouble.
The concern about their partner was nowhere to be found when it would have stood in the way of cheating. It wasn't useful then so it was put away until later.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (19 December 2013):
 If you don't plan to tell him, then your feelings of guilt are worthless. If the situation was reversed, would you want to know that while you two were having a rough patch, that he cheated on you?
You don't know that you'll never do it again. And, he deserves the truth before legally binding himself to you. And you will get caught eventually, and if he catches you, it'll be 10 times worse.
Even now, it's ruining your relationship. You have intimacy issues and there's a wall up towards him that will erode your marriage.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 December 2013):
 Sorry, you OWE him the truth before you marry him.
Truth have a way of coming out a little at a time. How would he react if he found out without you telling him, you think?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2013): Marriage is suppose to be about honestly, loyalty and respect.
Some would say you feeling guilty is you getting the karma you deserve but others (me) think you should be honest. Tell him.. But you said that is out of the question therefore suffer... Or split up with him.
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A
female
reader, eri_sunshine  +, writes (19 December 2013):
Cheating is a serious thing that shouldn't be taken lightly, but you need to realize that all people DO make genuine mistakes. You were going through a rough time and you messed up, but all that matters now is that you're happy and committed. If you feel guilt over it that extreme, the way to rid yourself of it is to tell him and explain.
If you absolutely cannot, then realize that it was a mistake made long ago in the past- and the past should stay where it belongs. You don't need to make him feel bad by bringing up old mistakes, and you don't need to feel guilty when remembering things that happened a long time ago. If you're happy in the relationship NOW, then you don't need to hesitate on getting married if you don't want to- don't let this hold you back from being a wonderful mother to your daughter and a wonderful wife. All you can do is stay committed now and in the future, and there's no reason to feel guilty.
Best of luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2013): Sit him down and come clean. You cannot start a life with a lie. Nothing good ever comes from that.
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (19 December 2013):
 Not many would agree, but I would suggest that you keep quiet and suffer in silence, why ruin his and your daughters life. I think the punishment that you will have to live with the guilt is enough. No need hurt them.
As long as history does not repeat itself.
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A
male
reader, Helloduckiexox +, writes (19 December 2013):
 If I was your boyfriend, I want you to be honest with me. Knowing you have cheated will hurt me, but keeping it a secret, will destroy you and your boyfriend relationship throughout time. If you tell him, it will take time for the pain to heal.
tell him, be completely honest. Lets say if he cheated on you, wouldn't you like to know? Would you forgive him?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2013): I will say "tell him" because I care about his rights.
Some others will say "don't tell him" because they don't think tricking someone into marrying you under false pretenses is a problem as long as (you) get what you want and you feel bad about it (just not bad enough not to do it in the first place).
You will worry and feel guilty and gnash your teeth but you will eventually conclude the best solution "for everyone involved" (except him) is for you to keep quiet.
After all, there is a child involved now. That's a good reason to lie, right? It's so convenient how you lied to him long enough to get this child with him, and now the fruits of that lie will justify tricking him even more.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2013): I would look at it as a learned lesson if you have realized that it was a big mistake which it seems you do so put it behind you and never do it again! The damage of confessing is way more than the benefit to him to your child and to you.You made a mistake, you learned and we are human!forgive yourself and move on. good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2013): If you belive you will not be able to carry on with the guilt during your marriage then don't get married and call off the wedding. However, doing this will raise a lot of questions. Its a very difficult situation what you are in. In my opinion you have nothing but one of two things to do. First one is to forget. If you are aware that you seriously messed up and its something that will never again happen then keep your mouth shut. The problem is who warranties you won't cheat again on him if things go rough in the future? Then you would be double guilty. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Or you can come clean and talk. Depending with whom and the situations and your love for you he will be able forgive and forget. You have no other choice. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2013): I will say "tell him" because I care about his rights.
Some others will say "don't tell him" because they don't think tricking someone into marrying you under false pretenses is a problem as long as (you) get what you want and you feel bad about it (just not bad enough not to do it in the first place).
You will worry and feel guilty and gnash your teeth but you will eventually conclude the best solution "for everyone involved" (except him) is for you to keep quiet.
After all, there is a child involved now. That's a good reason to lie, right? It's so convenient how you lied to him long enough to get this child with him, and now the fruits of that lie will justify tricking him even more.
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