A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:We've been good friends now for about 4 years and used to be incredibly close, but over the past year, things have gone from bad to worse and I don't know what to do.We met at college, lived together with other friends for a year and then decided to find our own place last year. She went through a lot of problems during that year. Her family are poor, she was funding her education out of her own pocket, constantly in her overdraft and only working part time so she just about scraped enough for bills. At times I lent her money because things were so bad. Collaborated with financial problems, she was also suffering (unaware at the time) from mild anxiety problems/ocd when it came to work so she was literally always studying and writing essays and crying about how much work she had to do.Things got so bad that she admitted to self harming once and almost attempted suicide until she snapped herself out of it. It was very stressful with just me and her in the house. She became really dependent on me emotionally and we argued a lot. At the same time, I was trying to be there for her and support her in any way I could both emotionally and financially.This year, she dropped out of her masters because she was seeing a counsellor and was advised to defer it for a year, she moved home because she was too poor to rent, but continues to work in the same city as me which is a couple of hrs from her home, so she has been staying overnight at my house sometimes. She gets on well with my boyfriend and works with him so he is always offering to let her stay at his because in his house, there's a living room which is basically used as storage - so no one is ever in there although she has always kindly refused.I have always told her she is welcome at ours and his because I feel sorry for her. She is always complaining about travelling but also feels bad for staying up because she feels like she is not wanted and doesn't like to intrude or put anyone out out, saying it is an inconvenience. Her staying sometimes has put a massive strain on our friendship but I also want to support her.Last week, my boyfriend, her and I were shopping after she had stayed up at mine and she couldn't make her mind up whether to travel home or stay up because she was working the next day. I said she was welcome to stay but when she kept hesitating and being awkward I snapped at her and told her to make up her mind about what she was doing, and she went 'I'll just go home then" - my boyfriend then said she could stay at his and she said 'She's made it clear she doesn't want me to stay at yours" - which seemed out of the blue. Although in my head I had a few issues with it if it were to become a regular occurrence, (because she has other friends she could ask), I had never once told her that I would have a problem with it.All of this is causing me to feel massive guilt over how bad her circumstances are because her family treat her terribly, she is still having some financial problems and she's been through so much in the last year. But with her not sorting out what she's doing with her life, I feel like she has become too dependent on me and it's putting such a strain on the friendship.Initially when she moved home, she was planning on getting a job at home asap. But it's been 3 months now, she seems to have been applying very few places and she has no intention of moving out from her parents back up to the town I live in when it's closer to work and she's now working a lot of hours so that she could maybe now afford it.It's frustrating, the friendship is dwindling, I'm trying to be patient with her and not argue because she is very sensitive and constantly takes things the wrong way. But I feel pressure and guilt and feel like with my boyfriend's involvement in always asking her to stay and looking out for her that there is 3 people in the relationship sometimes, even though I know he loves and supports me 100% and puts me first.I don't know what the right course of action is. Further more, I don't know if I'm being too harsh and if I am unfair to find it a bit weird if she started to stay at my boyfriend's instead of mine, if things were to become worse in our friendship.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2013): I agree with male anon. People who never give straight answer and who always make other people wondering what's going on are using it to control other people lives. For example, have you ever had friends who until the last minute didn't know if they can make it for outings with you? Or they changed their mind the last minute, and called you cancelling while you are in a car ready to drive of to see them? I had a friend like this. She called putting me on a stand by. Till the last minute she didn't know what will happen. She made dates with me, and then would make me wait for an hour somewhere. I can understand if it happens occasionally, but when there is a pattern of behavour, it's an obvious fact that it's premeditated. People act like y our friend because they are pushing you to offer them help. They pretend they can't make a desicion and when you offer them help, their task is accomplished. Also be aware of people who make you think of their problems non stop. Thisis her life, not yours. I am all for helping people in need, but there is a point where it needs to stop. These people ussualy paint you a very sad picture of their existance, which in some cases is true but most of the time is a desire to get help from you without them making any effort.Human beings are very capable to adapt to any situation, humans are survivors. But also people are very pron to take if they are offered. This is just a human nature. I was like you in a past trying to help everyone, and then I realized that people will be just fine without me. They will solve their problems and live their lives the way they want to live without my participation.
A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (19 December 2013):
 Your friend has issues and clearly the fact that she had to take a break from studies indicate the extent of her problem.
With regard to staying with you, I think she would love to just accept your offer, but has a guilt of imposing herself. If she stays over, she saves on transport. That is also why she is still staying at home. She just might be saving to study full time and not work much as she cannot cope with work and studies.
You are trying to help her but she is wearing on your patience. I suggest you offer to charge a nominal rent for your space and see if that makes things easier on both.
Its hard to be nice especially when your space and privacy is being invaded. But look at it this way, Its not forever and if you feel guilt now, you will feel worst when you cease all contact and assistance.
Remember you don't have to help her and its your decision. Also I would be reluctant to have a friend live my BF, never sure how far the gratitude will extend. So its a safer option in your place.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2013): So you snapped and told her to make a damn decision already and she whined about it? She needs to get over herself, sorry, but indecisiveness is a HUGE pet-peeve of mine, next to people who constantly CHANGE their minds. It's a control thing, pure and simple. she likes keeping people on edge and she likes people to pity her because she's poor and scratching her way to the middle. I wouldn't offer to have her stay at your place anymore and I'd ask your boyfriend not to either - until she paid rent to do so, just like she would at a motel. aybe that would deter her from intruding so much. She may have been a good friend at some point, but the friendship has run it's course and it's time to let her go. She needs the big, bad, world to bite her in the ass so she can learn something for once. Sorry, but I have no sympathies for her at all. She needs to grow up and get her act together.
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