A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi there. I could really use some help. I am currently engaged. I love my fiance. She is the best woman I could ever ask for.Here is my problem.I can't stop thinking or dwelling on the fact that she has been intimate with other men. Particularly her ex boyfriend. I understand that when we met neither one of us were virgins. We had both been in serious relationships before but I can't help but feel she has the upper hand on me? I have been with 4 women before her. But I am only 23 years old. All of my sexual experiences were when I was very young...they were all in the backseat of my truck kind of experiences. Very rarely, twice, I think did my ex girlfriend and I actually get a hotel room and sleep together. With her on the other hand it was different. She has been with 3 other men before me. With one of them she actually got pregnant when she was younger and had a miscarriage. And with the other, the more serious relationship. She would spend the night at his house as her ex boyfriend only lived with his father. His father would work nights leaving them alone in the house together and the dad would be totally ok knowing she was spending the night there; with his son, in his bedroom. She was around 19 or 20 and her ex was about 18 or 19 when all of this happened. So I know they would have more time to foreplay/experiment than maybe I did in my past? It kind of makes me feel inexperienced, in a sort of way.When we first had sex she said, "whoa, slow it down, what's the rush?" I guess being a guy, and not having been in a relationship for 1 year, therefore not having had sex for 1 year; I was trying to make up for lost time? lol. Since then I do feel like she is a bit more experienced than I am. I guess it's logical since she is older; but my mind keeps dwelling on the fact that she gained all that experience doing things with her ex boyfriend.Since then she has told me repeatedly that I am by far the best lover she has ever had. I don't feel like I am not good. I know I please her, but my thoughts keep going to the fact that she gained all this experience with her ex boyfriend. And I don't know why I keep dwelling on that?Maybe its due to the fact that when we started dating she still hadn't completely gotten over her ex? I say this because she would constantly be in contact with him. Not a phone call just to say hi; but he would call her often, just to chat knowing she had a boyfriend and he also was living with his girlfriend.I am not that type of person. If by chance I run across an old girlfriend, I will be polite, say hi, chit chat for a bit; and then be on my way. But I don't call them and they don't call me. Especially if either one of us is in a relationship. It got to a point where we almost ended the relationship because I could just tell she still had some reserved feelings for him.Long story short she stopped all contact with him and everything is perfect now, except for what I mentioned above. I keep dwelling on the fact she spent the night with her ex on a frequent basis so my imagination runs wild as to what they would do. This might be very selfish of me but I just feel we are on different levels as to what we did with our ex's before we met. Is this normal? Will I get over it eventually? I don't know if part of me still sees him as a threat? I guess I would just like some reassurance from her but i don't want to ask her for it because that would make me seem pathetic. Any advice? thanks.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2010): It's not about your insecurity. You made the mistake of being born with a working Y chromosome and naturally it tells you not to share your wife with another man. Everything else is just rationalizations & justifications to try to explain the baser instincts involved.
There is no perfect solution and not even a near perfect one. Some guys get over it, some don't. Some get married anyway, some don't. If you can't get over it soon, then DO NOT expect to someday get over it "in a few years". Either you live with it or you don't. There is no way out.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2010): I think many guys including myself think about their partners past. Some have more imagination then others, but you have to remember it is only imagination. You have to stop living in your girlfriends past and focus on the future. Next time your imagination starts to write a story catch it, be aware of it and stop it! It may help if you quickly change the scene in your head to you and your girlfriend and then use your imagination and think about how much she really loves you because that is the impression I get.
Good luck!
Tony
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A
male
reader, DeadEyeDick +, writes (8 January 2010):
 I think this has something to do with the way certain guys think, because I went through this same exact problem with my ex, who I condsider my first true love, even though i had many before her, I never gave it much thought until I actually started to fall in love with her, then all of the sudden I wanted to know everything about her, I wanted to know about her sexual history, not for any other reason then I wanted to know what made her tick, what she was thinking when she was doing it, how she felt when and after she did it, if it was spontaneous and fun, or if it was painful and miserable, I literally started tripping myself out, because i couldnt figure out where or why this sudden curiosity was coming from, then I started thinking about the actual situations of her being pounded, and it bothered me so bad, because I was the only one who truly loved her(in my mind) so the other guys were using her and it fucked with me, but trust me bro, she didnt understand why I was so hung up about it, so to her, it seemed like I was grilling her for some other reason, I eventually just lost interest about it, you can only dwell on it for so long before it becomes uninteresting, then you dont really even think about it again, or i didnt anyways!
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (7 January 2010):
This is about your insecurity. She's with you, she loves you, she's told you you're the best and you're even getting married. I'll give you the reassurance you need now. She loves you and that's it. If she loved him, she'd be with him. Everyone comes with a past. My girlfriend had a miscarriage before she met me and she's had lovers before me too, so I know how you feel about that. But my girlfriend is with me, and not anyone else. So I know she loves me. That's all that matters. Not her past.
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