A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey people..I've tried for the last 10 months to try and "move on" my previous relationships about them cheating on me. I've been in 3 relationships since and all of them ended horribly with me accusing them of cheating on me and "doing stuff". I believe 2 of them didn't even though I thought they did. Since "that" relationship I had 10 months ago, it just ruined all relationships for me. I believe every guy I'm with is cheating on me and they call me "obsessive" since I can't leave them alone without thinking they're doing something.I know I overreact a lot and such but I hate being out of a relationship since it feels great to have someone close. My ex(the last one I had) and I still talk about life and such. He tells me he misses me and such and he kinda wants to be with me again. He was quite honest and said he didn't move on and didn't do anything and all that..How do I stop being so jealous and overreacting things? The first 2 weeks always goes perfect, then I get really close to him and I end up jealous all over again.
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (22 September 2011):
Hi. Yes, I see your point. Coffee is out of the question now, because you have said you don't like him anymore, so don't do that now.
It sounds more like you probably have moved on more than your last ex.
As it seems you both live fairly close, because you mentioned that sometimes when you are out running with any of your male friends, that if your ex sees you, he comes up to you and wants to talk to you - just the two of you.
It seems like if this happens fairly often, well then maybe he spends a lot of his free time peering out the front window - just to see if you might happen to be running past with one of your male friends. He must be at the window all the time! Well, when he's not at work.
Perhaps he needs to get out more, don't you think?
If he's got nothing better to do than look out the front window to see if you might be out there, well then Yes, he definitely does.
Seriously though, if he's watching out for you all the time, it's like stalking, isn't it? And it's certainly not healthy behaviour. It's obsessive behaviour.
By him doing this, he's preventing you from moving on at all. And it's grossly unfair.
It seems like his philosophy in life now is - "Well, if I can't have her, then no-one can." Sound familiar?
Ok then. So how do you get around this type of thinking?
You can't change how he thinks. And you don't want to stop running to keep fit either, because you enjoy it. It's your life and your business, and your decision.
It's interesting to wonder, if you were running on your own without a running buddy, do you still think he would approach you? There would be no challenge for him then would there?
So when he does approach you when you are running with a male friend, he clearly only wants you to NOT be with that male friend of yours. That seems to be the main point, doesn't it?
So what you could do is, go running somewhere else. Another neighbourhood perhaps. Perhaps you could drive a few miles away, park your car - and then go running. If you wanted to run with a friend, you could ask them to meet you at the spot you intend starting from.
So by doing this it does two things:-
(1) It gives you some variety - somewhere different to run and different things to look at along the way.
(2) You are not in the usual area where you run, which is close to both your house and your ex's house. So you are not going to be running past his front window!
Do you see what I am meaning here?
You see, whenever you do your usual run in your local neighbourhood, you probably take the exact same route each time, which happens to go past your ex's house. Now, we want to avoid that altogether.
You don't live next door do you? I hope not.
Assuming you don't live in the same street, driving somewhere else shouldn't be a problem to implement. In fact you could vary your runs every time, if you like.
Variety is the spice of life, after all, isn't it?
This is not to say that you shouldn't ever run in your own local area again. No, that's unrealistic and not to mention inconvenient as well.
You can still run in your local area, and if you don't live close to your ex's house, you could just run down any street but his.
Is he a runner as well? When he does sometimes come up to you, is it right near his house? Or, is he running himself already, and you happen to kind of bump into each other, as people often do when they live in the same area?
I'm just trying to figure out how these "bumping into each other" events happen. Have you figured it out?
Because more than anything, it's obviously becoming a real nuisance to you. Or is it not a nuisance to you?
And now getting back to your original question about feeling jealous in a new relationship after 2 weeks, and wanting to have someone to be close with.
The jealous feelings is just about trust - please read my earlier posts.
However, regarding the wanting to be with someone and feel close to, it's not always wise to want just anyone for the sake of having someone - as opposed to no-one.
It might be wiser to have some time on your own first, before you feel ready to find another love. Then you can get to know yourself better, who you are, and what you really want from life and from a relationship.
Once you come to a point where you really do know who you are and what you want, then you can start moving in a direction that will take you there.
When you say that your ex and you talk about life and stuff, how does this happen? Does he call you or text you?
These conversations are also preventing you from moving on, just by the fact they happen at all.
So if you say you don't really like him anymore, well then a clean break - meaning, no contact at all - is the only way to truly move on.
Because although you are not together now, there is still conversations that take place, and this is what is standing in the way of you moving forward, once and for all.
So now, you have some serious thinking to do.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah, coffee could be pretty good although.. I don't like him anymore so I don't think that'd be a good idea heh..
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (21 September 2011):
Hi. He wants it all his own way.
He doesn't have the right, now that you are not together.
If you want to do something, then do it. It's your life and your business. Nothing to do with him at all.
It sounds like your last ex is unwilling to move on, and so he keeps in touch with you. Or he still likes/loves you, probably is more likely the truth.
If you still like him, perhaps you could arrange to meet up for coffee one day soon, and if it goes ok, well then you could think about going out on a date, together some time after that. However, if you take this path, tell him that you want to take it slowly, and not get too serious.
Then see how it goes this time around.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the answers.
Sophie, I got a few male friends and I hang out with them a lot and if I meet my ex while I'm hanging out with one of them he want us to speak alone and he tells me he's all jealous even though we're not together. I know he gets just as jealous as me but still he speak with a lot of girls.
And Dorothy, I used to run with a male friend of mine three times a week to keep in shape but my ex told me I can't since he don't want my friend to hang out with me and such.. When we broke up and I got back into running with him again.. Although it's like he want to do stuff with his friends and also female friends but he don't want me to do anything.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (19 September 2011):
 Aa little bit of jealousy is understandable and maybe even healthy......
What you describe - your thoughts and behaviour - sound more phonic. I suggest that you seek professional counselling......
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2011): it's natural that after being cheated on that you now feel more cautious about relationships, but in your case it's gone beyond normal and it's dysfunctional because it's ruining your other relationships.
i think now the problem is no longer that you ex cheated on you. Now the problem is within yourself. clearly the cheating had a huge impact on you. Now you need to face that and why so you can heal properly.
I'm guessing that the cheating triggered some already-existing anxiety or self esteem issues in you. being cheated on is always a horrible experience for anyone, but for you it went even further because it maybe threatened your very sense of self.
and maybe that's why it's had such a lasting impact on you to the point that you're now hypervigilant and out of control.
since you're having a hard time keeping together relationship, now may be a good time to see a counselor for some help in reducing your anxiety. the way you've been handling your relationships is clearly not working out so you need to find out how to take care of your own anxiety now. good luck!
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (19 September 2011):
Hi there. The thing you find the most challenging, is learning to trust the guy you are going out with at the time.
You have to believe in yourself more, and to realize that they are with you because they want to be. They want to be there.
It's also possible that as the weeks have gone by - after the first two weeks - you have made each guy the centre of your universe and you've automatically stopped going out with your own friends. Women often do this, believing they should always be available to their new man.
By doing this, it then puts the responsibility of your happiness in their hands. Even though you might not realize that. It puts a lot of pressure on them to make you happy. Some men can't take that pressure.
How this often shows, is by you being anxious if they don't call you when they say they will - perhaps a day or two later than they said - and maybe you then get angry and start thinking the worst (that they are seeing someone else), then it gets worse after that. Maybe it's at that point when you start accusing them of cheating.
And then the accusations inevitably cause arguments and the guy trying to defend himself and then it's goodbye.
The cycle probably repeats itself with each new guy you meet and start dating.
So it's really a case of learning to trust a man completely, unless he ever gives you reason not to.
Even though you are in a relationship, it's still important to have your own friends and your own interests as well. That keeps your own life interesting and then you become much less dependent on the man to make you happy.
Happiness is up to us. No-one else can make us happy. It is our responsibility only.
That is why it's so important to still have your own life, outside of the relationship.
In a relationship, it's also important that you aren't together every single day. Perhaps once or twice a week at the most. Or only just on the weekend. Both people in a relationship, need their own space. It's healthy and does you both good.
So in future, just relax a bit more, and just let it all flow.
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A
female
reader, Sophie Anne +, writes (19 September 2011):
 Dear Anonymous,
What you're going through is understandable. If you ask most girls, they'll reveal they're insecure about their own relationships too. So, first of all: Don't beat yourself up.
The most important step you can take is to ask yourself: Why am I jealous?
Some girls are jealous because they have reason to believe their boyfriends are naturally flirtatious and are likely to stray. This is increased by the amount of guys who have an abundance of female friends, in turn making their girlfriends feel inadequate. However, jealousy also arises from poor self esteem and body image issues. We all question whether we're "good enough" from time to time, but it's about meeting realistic expectations rather than trying to be perfect.
One option you could try to combat your jealousy or insecurity is to become invested in something you love. So that while your boyfriend/partner is away, your thoughts are preoccupied. They say "distance makes the heart grow fonder" and though this may be difficult at first, it becomes easier once you realise that your boyfriend will realise how much he misses you, when you're both apart. Another option you could try, is to have a few platonic male friends besides from your ex. This will not only boost your confidence but show him that you're not just reliant on him for his company.
Good luck and remember, no one is perfect.
~ Sophie Anne
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A
female
reader, Sinful_thinker89 +, writes (19 September 2011):
 Too be honest my current fiancee has cheated on me and really it drives me crazy every day I'm always accusing him and thinking he is up to no good. I mean it gets to the point where I'm always angry at him. Really insecurities are not easy to get over, so be by yourself until you gain your confidence back or find someone who helps you get over your worries.
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