A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My question is I can't stand my husband's female co-worker! I met her at his christmas party and from the moment I met her I did not get a good vibe from her. I consider myself good looking but she is 20 years old, very gorgeous and has a body that wont quit! I felt veryjealous from they way my husband kept staring at her but he insists they are good friends and what bothers me most is that he always has such ncie things to say about her and thinks I overreact when i say something bad about her. When he called me from work his friend in the background asked is that Megan you talking to? Why would he ask if he was talking to her? What could this mean and should I be worried/overreacting????
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2007): Trust your female intuition but don't show it. Be smart, not emotional. If I were you, I would talk to her, not to him and tell her that you have a very good marriage and ask her to respect that. She is not married and is probably "Just being friendly". The bad news is that something innocent like this can develop into a real problem especially if he has a whining wife at home.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2007): I would have thought the best thing to do is laugh about it. But do keep an eye on phone activities etc - not in an obsessive way.
You may think this next comment off-the-wall, I hope not offensive, but perhaps you too were affected by her. It is normal to find other women sexy even if you are one. If you did, would it mean you would have an affair with her? Everyone reacts to visions of sexiness…. but perhaps we don’t always want it shoved under our noses. We don’t want our partners staring, I know this because it has incensed me in the past. I have realised though, that it is possible to change the way we perceive things if we look at them another way. It is the assumptions that you are making about this situation that are causing you worry.
For example, have you ever noticed that if a woman with large breasts appears in front of you, cleavage everywhere, it is almost impossible even for a very polite woman like myself, not to feel my eyes drawing to where I don’t want? It does not mean I would want to do anything about it, heavens no! I also notice other women as well as men checking me out, as I am sure they do you. Do you think there is something to be said for the idea that there would be nothing wrong in enjoying looking? So long as people are respectful and polite. Cut yourself loose and enjoy a look, don’t be threatened, life is full of interesting people. Whether it is that man over there with the ridiculous nose that could make you laugh, that man with his sexy mouth, or that girl over there with gorgeous breasts. You could look a sick child and cry, but why should your reaction to looking at a beautiful girl be anger and jealousy? You can change that way of seeing the world. It doesn’t have to mean abandoning morals.
Back to the main subject: It seems that there is some banter going on with his work colleagues about this so they have obviously all noticed this new visual stimulant at work. You may think she is very lucky to be so good looking but it is much harder for women who give off that big sex vibe, to find anyone bothered to look under the surface. Was she alone without a partner that night and if so why? Could you imagine how it would be for the guy, always having your girlfriend checked out and ogled? I think if I was a guy in the position I would be tempted to cause quite a lot of black eyes. My suspicion is that while some men may like to be with a trophy like that, that lots of men would admire but draw back from being with her.
If she dresses that way as well it may also make it hard to make female friends who have boyfriends because they will feel threatened. For example, on a couple of occasions I have been to a party with a gorgeous figure hugging dress on and have found that the other women who liked me before, suddenly seemed to go off me when they were with their men. I know it is because I have a very nice, sexy body shape which is unexpected and usually covered except for when with my man.
You could think about the party and be realistic about how he was with you. Did he actually give you lots of attention, a nice slow dance, cuddle you in front of people etc? If he did, but also stole the odd glance, what the hell? That would not matter at all. Even if your husband was inclined to be naughty, it does not mean that she would want to. You can’t control him, all you can do is trust. If he strays it will be his choice and nothing to do you with, not your fault, his. You can show your trust by telling him how you feel and by taking his reassurance.
However gorgeous she is she will become familiar to him in the workplace and the edge of the newness will settle. Teasing puts this in perspective. “How are you and your workmates coping with the new office puppies?” “Have your new office puppies asked anyone to take them out for a walk?” What about bromide sandwiches for the boys?! Actually I am joking.
In the meantime don’t let him take you for granted. Concentrate on your own gorgeousness. Have confidence, show it. There is a whole art to being sensual and when it is subtle it is much more devastating. You look, you enjoy what you see, this is your life too and there is a lot of beauty out there as well as a lot of ugliness. Make your life about what you see and concentrate on making your own judgements more than worrying about what other people are thinking about you, or anyone else. When you worry about other people you try to look at the world through their eyes and analyse their motives, you miss the chance of experiencing things your own way. Do you see what I mean?
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A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (19 December 2007):
I understand how you feel- very jealous, and perhaps you are starting to feel a bit insecure in your relationship as you worry maybe something will happen.
I know its very easy when your in a relationship with someone to feel threatened by other good looking people. But what you have to do when these situations come up is stop, and ask yourself, why exactly do i feel like this? what has this person done to make me feel like this? answer them realistically, not with your emotions because sometimes your emotions will cloud your judgement. I cant say whether or not this is happening with your situation.
As for your question about why would your husband's workmate ask if he was talking to megan, my guess is because maybe he thought he wanted to talk to megan about something work related, maybe your husband said he had to call her to ask her about something work related so he asumed that could be who he is talking to.
One thing ive leartn in my short life so far, is that when jealousy comes up in situations like that, ask your partner about them! Keyword is to ask, dont accuse them of anythingand tyr to make it sound casual. Because most likely the answer to your question probably is nothing to worry about.
Also what someone else sugested about being nice to her is a good idea. You know how they say, keep your frineds close but your enemies closer? well this is exactly it. you feel shes a threat, so get closer to her. And be nice to her because if for some reason she isnt too nice to her, she might justify it by saying its because you arent nice to her. So give her no reason to be not nice ot you- this way if she is rude or anything you know shes not a good person. Also by geting to know her a bit more you might actually become more relaxed around her. I mean you might actualyl find out that shes a decent person, with high morals and would never make a move on someones husband.
Having said all that, the other issue i think that needs to be addressed is how your husbands behaviour is also upsetting you. Its not just her, but its him. If hes starring at her thats not very respectful to you is it? So have a talk ot him about it, if he says 'we are just friends', say 'i know you are, but the issue and my point here is that i dont feel its appropiate to be doing that'...or something along those lines. Whether they are friends or something more, dosnt mean he has to stare at her!
You may also want to tell your husband that talking about her makes you feel uncomfortable so you might want to ask him to consider your feelings by not talking about her too much?
Hope you get this worked out!!
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (19 December 2007):
 Birdy's is an excellent way to "strike first". I think I see in her advice the recommendation of what you should do to PREVENT anything from happening. It's a good option for you and I suppose it would work.
However, what has led you to think your husband has anything with this girl, other than the fact that she's so good looking?
I know that everybody can fall. The question is, do you have any other reason to worry?
I think Birdy gave you sound advice. I just want you to go a little deeper.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2007): Yes that sounds bad that the guy asked if he were talking to Megan. Very bad..Tell him you will not tolerate him seeing her in any way. And threaten him. I would keep reminding him that a divorce will cost him 1/2 of everything he has and ask him if he thinks the little girl will want him if he's broke. Tell him you're not stupid & you know what is possibly going on. This is what I'd do, but I am straightforward. I wouldn't keep quiet & wait for him to fall in her lap.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2007): Don't act over jealous and petty that will only annoy your husband and make you look insecure. Keep an eye on the situation, for any unusual behaviour...but at the same time dont let it take up all your time and drive you crazy.
Also dont start accusing your husband of things without any evidence...thats a sure way of driving him away!
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (19 December 2007):
 Don't give her any reason to not like you if you are worried about your husband. As a matter of fact, do you best to befriend her and may her like you at office functions. I'm not saying doulble-dating, but make her like you SOooooo much that she'll think twice about taking a run at your hubby. This actually worked for me, someone who wanted to be my husband's "friend" actually ran off with someone else's husband after I befriended the little skank.
I would keep my eyes and eyes wide open, to the point of snooping. Drop by without notice! And whatever you do, DON'T nag and pester him, keep your cards close to your chest. The last thing that you want him to do is spend more time thinking about her. If he does bring her up, drop little comments about her flaws, in the nicest possible way, as if you like to help her with them.
I have NO idea if there is anything to it, but if she starts crying on his shoulder, nip it in the bud and put your foot down. That seem to be a turning point for a lot of men, when they become the other person's "Champion". Hope this helped. Take care and good luck with everything!
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