A
female
age
26-29,
*implyMe96
writes:I have a lot of guy problems, so ill explain where it all came from.Im 17 years old. I lost my virginity at 14. To a 19 year old, it was forced and I was Hammered. I had never even made out with a guy before him. Then i waited nearly a year before i did it again, but that day i had sex with 2 people. the first guy It was my choice the second was more unwanted than anything, but i didn't make it clear enough. Then the next guy i had sex with i fell head over heals over. He broke my heart, i wasnt good enough for him, and because i did things he didn't like i wasnt worth keeping so he threw me away. after him i had one night stands, A whole bunch. I dropped out of school and focused on drugs and sex. I eventually felt gross with myself and went 5 months without sex and quit all drugs. Then one of the guys from my one night stand thing decided to take an interest broke my heart again, i was cheated on too many times to count, but the only way i could feel wanted was through sex. Guys used me. I am 17 years old been having sex for about 3 years and i have had sex over 100 times, with 19 different guys. I dont know how to stop every guy i ever meet just try and i feel like if i do they'll stay but never do.:/ I need to find out why i cant find love and why everyone wants to have sex and never talk again. I dont normally put out the first night, ive made them wait and still lost them,. I dont know what to do anymore. All my friends call me a whore when i bring it up and tell me to just stop but its easier said than done, its like an addiction i cant get away from. I dont want to be known as a slut or dirty because im truly better than that, I just dont know how to stop..
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drugs, lost my virginity, one night stand Reply to this Question
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female
reader, llifton +, writes (2 July 2013):
 you've clearly recognized the pattern. that you have sex in hopes they will stay, but then they wind up using you. you've got to break the cycle you've gotten yourself into.
learn to love yourself. that's key. love yourself and all else will change. once you meet a guy, don't sleep with him. not just on the first or second date. but for months. make him get to know YOU. who you are and what you're all about. i know you think sex gives you self-worth and validates you, but as you can see, it's actually causing the opposite. it's making you love yourself less and lower your self-worth and esteem. you deserve better than that.
hey, if you enjoy casual sex, no strings attached, go for it. don't let anyone judge you. be safe and protected and be smart about it. but if you're looking for a relationship, you need to change the way you're going about things. it's not working, right? it's never too late to start a new pattern. hell, you're so young. you've got so much time. all the time in the world!
good luck.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (1 July 2013):
 Not everyone is comfortable talking with parents. Not all parents know how to relate and handle their children with emotional issues. There are counselors in school for free, or a rape crisis center. It doesn't matter how long ago it happened. You can go online and look for people who recovered from sex addiction and blog about it. You know that the answer is not sleeping with guys until one loves you. You shouldn't be deprived of valuable resources just because you don't have money.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant +, writes (1 July 2013):
 Kiddo, I have daughters your age. If one of them were in your situation, I would far rather know what's going on so that they could get help. Would I be disappointed and upset? Of course. But it would be far, far worse to have one of my kids in pain when there's help available. You do need help. You should see a therapist. You know that this is no way to live. Talk to which ever of your parents you have the better relationship with. They want you to be well and happy, and they will want to help you move on from this mess.
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A
male
reader, mkateko  +, writes (1 July 2013):
 Hi, I am sorry for the bad exprience.
You need a theraphy as soon as possible. You has to forget about your friend. I do understands that your friends as a part on this whole things, they might be telling guys about you problem, sometime we has to be tough in our life and takes tough decisions even some looks unfavourable to us, or it can make people thing we are bad people. Here you has to be tough put all your friends aside, focus on your life all alone. If taking a year without sex you can call it punishment then punish your self, you take atleast a minimum of a year without sex.
I think this can be just the foundation of your new beggining.
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A
female
reader, SimplyMe96 +, writes (1 July 2013):
SimplyMe96 is verified as being by the original poster of the question If i seek help my dad will find out, and i dont want to disappoint him, or my mom cause im better than this. Yeah giving up on what i learned to do is easier said than done, and i wouldnt know where to start. But id like to get help but i dont have health insurance. and im pretty poor. and if i asked my dad hed tell me no or something and id get grounded,. i went 5 months without sex. It made me feel worse about myself than when im seeing guys every night. I would talk to my mom but im more embarrassed than anything,
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A
female
reader, SillyB +, writes (1 July 2013):
 1. No more drinking and drugs
2. Ditch all your friends - they're disrespectful, probably tell these things to guys who then want you for sex because you're 'easy'. I have a feeling that by eliminating this whole group of friends, you will eliminate part of the problem. You need to get out of this social circle.
3. No more sex - a year or even longer.
4. Focus on school, hobbies & career. Finish high school, go to college - focus on a career that pays well and you like eg. nursing or real estate or physical therapy or dental hygienist...
5. Go to a counselor/therapist. You've been damaged very badly and need to work through these things with someone older and wiser. Do your parents have health insurance - can you go to a therapist through their health insurance?
By following this advise I really think you can eliminate this problem and get through it. I think you need to make some tough choices in your life (eliminating a whole group of 'friends') and really sticking by your decision (no drinking, going to school, no sex). It's tough but you get get your confidence and self-worth back. You can become extremely successful and healthy. You're only 17, so its definitely not too late. Perfect time actually to change your ways.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (1 July 2013):
Well, the bottom line is that guys want sex. They can either get it with no effort (one night stand, friends with benefits, using a girl) or they have to date and have a relationship to get it.
If you sleep with them in order to make them fall for you, you've sealed your fate as a booty call. If you sleep with them before they really like you, it's probably going to be the same thing.
Be patient. Waiting a while will weed out the guys who only want sex (as its already done for you on occasion). Once you're rid of those guys you can focus on the ones who like you as a person, not you as an object.
You don't have to wait forever to have sex, but I would recommend waiting until they GENUINELY like you.... if you don't know the difference between genuine and flirting, then wait at least a month to six weeks.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (1 July 2013):
I also agree that the first experience sounds like rape. I also think that your first experience has probably set the tone for the way you now feel about sex. You do seem to be possible attracted to guys that treat you badly, because the first one did and you perhaps now see it as normal. I'm not overly sure about your friends, either, because friends don't treat people this way. I would suggest that your friends also aren't good enough, because you seem to see it as normal to be treated badly.
I think the best thing you can do is speak to a counselor, if possible. You do seem very down, and understandably a bit confused and down because of the way you've been treated. So the first thing to do, is sit with someone who is a professional, and have a talk about what has happened to you. I think that if you can start to come to terms with how you were initially treated, you'll find a way out of this difficult time.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (1 July 2013):
It does sound like rape for me too. That guy took away something precious from you, your power to consent to an intimate relationship and you attempt to get it back by trying one guy after another. Somehow saying yes feels more powerful than to have a guy force it on you. You are looking for love in the wrong places without knowing what love really means. You are starting off relationships with a desperate need to feel love and guys can sense that from faraway and further exploit that need in you. You might feel that you are unlovable because of what happened in the past. One in four girls have experienced sexual assault or rape in her life time. That has nothing to do with a girl's lovability. What shows is that in society there are a lot of unparented children without guidance in life. I think this is a time to focus on yourself. You can make something good out of your past. You can rise above it and educate other younger girls on how to deal with the emotional trauma of sexual abuse. They don't have to repeat a bad experience over and over again. I would hold off relationships until I find a peace of mind first.
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A
female
reader, Arigatokitty +, writes (1 July 2013):
"It was my choice the second was more unwanted than anything, but i didn't make it clear enough."Before we talk about anything else, lets make this clear: no means no, and and anything less that a fully enthusiastic yes, is a no. Don't blame yourself for that second guy. If you didn't want it, it shouldn't have happened. I believe this could constitute as rape.You are not a slut or a whore. You can do what you want and nobody can label you. (Let's also consider the fact that if a male did the same, nothing would be thought of it...)I think there are some deep issues here as to why you do this. You seek love that will stick around and use sex as a way to try and make it last. You've noted yourself that it is a problem. I suggest you seek the help of a counselor. There are many free services available, in the form of face to face, online web chat, email or telephone. This isn't a failure on your part, so don't be ashamed to do it. You've already don extremely well by giving up drugs and trying to make changes to your life. Keep going. You can move past this to create stable relationships and to find someone who will love you and stay by you no matter what. Best of luck, I believe you have the determination to do it!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 July 2013):
 I think you have somehow made sex = love. IF you give a guy sex, he might like/love you. But that is not how it works. I think you know that intellectually, but you are ignoring it, because others have ignored your feelings too and just used you.
I would suggest you find a counselor and get help for this. It could be that because you were raped/forced the first time (drunk or not).
Someone having a one-night stand with you is not a relationship.
Why can't you find love, just guy who will have sex with you and dump you? Well, one reason could be that they (the guys you end up with) only WANT sex from you, and IF you provide sex on the first night you are "selling" yourself short. TAKE the time to get to know a guy, that means talk (no sexting/ no dirty pics over the phone/ not email, but FACE-to-FACE talking.) ESTABLISH a relationship BEFORE sex is part of the picture. But honestly, I think you need to find someone who can help you set your mind right BEFORE you try to start another relationship.
Also, stop with the drinking. It's not helping you either.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (1 July 2013):
Dear OP,
First of all, I am sorry to hear that your first sexual experience was so bad. And it doesn't sound like so far, you had a lot of luck in your love life. This can change, but I think none of the agony aunts can fix your problem by giving you advice over the internet. You need to work on this in a psychotherapy, because this seems to be a long-lasting issue that causes a lot of damage in your life.
Please look for a good counsellor or therapist quickly, because it sounds like you're not always in control and you risk STDs and really bad psychological injuries as well. You sound as if you're looking for love in all the wrong places and there's not much fun involved in what you are doing.
You're not a slut or a whore. I just think your friends are too young to help you. They probably don't understand why you are doing this and it sounds like you, yourself, don't really know how you get into these situations. If I was to make a guess, I'd say that you are probably attracted to men that treat you badly and so you repeat a pattern of trying to get love but you lose them in the end. Which might happen to any girl that got involved with these guys. Maybe you can take a good look at the boys you usually like and see if there's a pattern. It might help to see if you deliberately chose the bad boys and maybe you want to try dating a really nice guy for once. And really wait with sex. For a long time, not just two or three dates. Wait to see if there's real affection. Or, what I would recommend, stop dating completely, if you can, before you sorted out some things in therapy.
I don't know if what I said could help you, but I wish you all the best and hope you get to a better place in life soon.
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