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age
51-59,
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writes: Is there any hope for us?I love my fiance so much, he is my best friend and we laugh together so much and when things are good, I have never known so much happiness.But...he has been a womaniser all his life. He was married for 26 years and cheated and lied to his family continually. He is the most practiced liar I have ever come across, its so easy for him and on the rare occassion when he gets caught he is just as highly skilled at justifying his lying and behaivour. Three months after we got engaged last year he blatantly and inspirationally lied to me when I inadvertently caught him texting a woman he had met abroad on a work trip. Faced with having to admit the truth with the evidence in front of him he said he had met this woman in a restaurant, that they had never been alone together, and there was no physical contact. I tend to believe him as there was not really the opportunity for anything other than this to have taken place, however he continued secretly texting and phoning her for 6 weeks until I found out. he would not show me the texts that he claimed were innocent. He ended it (he says) immediately.We got over it. But again a few months ago I became suspicious about the way he was acting and questioned him gently, and he catagorically denied anything going on including texting women behind my back. A few days later he asked me to hold his phone a minute and a text message came through from his ex-girlfriend. Rather stupidly to save his dignity and mine I asked him if anything was going on, choosing my questions carefully, he denied anything. But..a few days later messages started to appear on his facebook and I read them. My fiance was flirting with her, trying to arrange to meet up with her, to which she replied that she didnt think it was a good idea as she knew he was engaged and so was she.My fiance loves women, and makes constant sexist remarks, we are all birds or tarts, all stupid enough to believe what we want to hear etc etcI've always considered my self to be an intelligent woman, I have two degrees and work in the heath industry in a senior medical position. It seems to me that my fiance has a hedonistic personality and is willing to go to almost any lengths to obtain what he wants, and tell any degree of lies.I'm sure if he were to be truthful he would say that he loves me and wants to be with me, but ideally he wants time out to go and cheat with other women (is this was all men want...he says it is and that he is just more honest about it than other men).I find it very difficult to trust him, he drinks 15 units a day, smokes heavily, eats whatever he likes, spends enormous amounts of money, has run up huge debts in the past which he has now paid off with the equity from his marital home)and does whatever he likes when he likes. His blood pressure is high, he has had a heartattack and takes anti-depressants.But he clearly adores me, devotes his time and money and thoughtfulness to my happiness and admits that he would not be here without me. But I feel like I am constantly having to save him from himself.He says he gets bored easily, and stirs up trouble with his now ex-wife over and over again (there is no need for him to have anything to do with her as the their children are grown up.)I never knew such a vindictive man either.This is more love than I ever had, or than any of my friends say that have had, but I am finding trusting him so hard.When we talk about it he gets exasperated as he says he has done the time for his crime and we should move on. But I dont feel like I can trust him to go away to clubland (where he likes to go) with his friends. He constantly checks other women out and watches programmes on cheating daily, admiring the Charlies Sheens of this world as some kind of hero.I'm not sure if I am dealing with a depressed man who needs a lot of love, understanding and security, am I just being gullible and enabling him to behave the way he chooses. Or...is he a hedonistic liar who will turn on me, like he has his ex wife, if I do anything to injure his alter ego and try to get him to live in what I beleive most would consider a reasonable relationship. I keep changing my mind, as he is so convincing that he adores me me but I catch him doing this minor cheating and lying and he is distraught to the point of sitting crying with remorse...but then dismisses it as a load of nonsense at other times.I just don't know what to believe. I would be grateful for any opinions.He is 55 and I am 45. we are both very laid back normally. Of course I have no objection to him having platonic relationships with any women he chooses its only the behind my back stuff that upsets me and is destroying what would otherwise be a fantastic relationship.
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best friend, debt, depressed, engaged, ex girlfriend, ex-wife, facebook, fiance, flirt, his ex, liar, money, move on, smokes, text, womaniser Reply to this Question
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female
reader, llifton  +, writes (2 July 2013):
 I dated someone like this for over two years. Worst two years of my life. Constantly cheated and lied and had an excuse and justification for everything. After the relationship ended (thankfully), it took me years to get my head back to a good place. I assumed everyone was a liar and a cheater.
You can't see just how blinded you are at the moment. As you said, you can't see the forest from the trees right now. That's normal. But once you get away, you'll look back and be horrified at all you've chosen to put up with.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2013): He is a liar; therefore, he is a master of deception. You admitted this yourself. Your window of opportunity to bail out; has come and left. You now deceive yourself.Don't use love as an excuse for poor judgement.You deserve better.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for your opinion and advice. My love for him blinds me.He tells me that he is doing really well, that he has never been faithful to a woman in his life, but apart from some "flirty chatting" he is "completely clean". He tells me that he has never been out with a girl like me, I beleieve this because I look like Mary Poppins compared with his ex's. He says he's never dated a "bird with a brain" before. Quite honestly...given what I'm often putting up with I'm not sure he is now! Judging by his previous standard he is doing well. Its just they are not my standards, I never cheated on anyone in my life. He is absolutely mortified that his behaivour is effecting our relationship, and says he cannot bear to be without me. He refers to me as angel. He now mixes with good people, we are slowly repqiring the relationship he has with his children and family.My view is that if he can avoid situations where he knows he cannot trust himself, then we maybe ok. I'm not holding my breath.And if all fails, which is probably just a matter of time, I take comfort in the knowledge that I will never have to put up with anything like it again. He has put me off men for life!thank you for listening to me and taking the trouble to respond....lu xxxI know this is a high risk relationship. In his defence I will say that he has changed in as much that we tend to do everything together or with my friends who share the same level of personal integrity that I credit myself with.
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female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (1 July 2013):
 'This is more love than I ever had'
You accept very little and put up with A LOT!!...Don't you??
The question is WHY??
Your post sadly has all the hall marks of a woman deeply in love with a HUGE side serving of denial and excuse!!
He may love you, but are you his 'all'...clearly not!
Is it likely he will eventually find someone else to be with?..Yep! But he knows you will still be there to accept the scraps and put up with him, because you are a good egg who is not asking him to change his vile ways.
If you love him and you are happy with him then you need to accept everything he does and says, with a huge smile on your face...because he doesn't care enough about you to stop being a cheat and a liar. He doesn't see your relationship as something important to be honoured and cherished and any time he wants to take a great big dump (to satisfy his 'hedonistic' side)...it's going to be ON YOU!!
Nobody can stop you spending your entire life with a cheater/liar, that's your choice, but will he ever change and settle down in his old age...No he won't.
(My Grandpa cheated on my Grandma his whole life, had sex with other women in their house for over 30 years. When my Grandma died, he moved another woman in to their home 3 weeks after she died and continued to make passes at other women until he died aged 79. My Grandma only revealed this had been going on a year before she died. Did he love her?...who knows. Why didn't she say anything?...because she thought he would change...He never did and it eventually destroyed her)
Don't fool yourself that your life will be any different, because the odds are stacked against you.
I think I'd rather be alone than put up with what you are going through...but it's your life!
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female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (1 July 2013):
 Listen to me, hon. You're in a self-destructive relationship with a man that you have to constantly keep on a leash, who has proven multiple times that you cannot trust him.A leopard doesn't change his spots. You already know that you're in an unhealthy situation. Do you really think your love can change him? That you can be patient enough and "wait out" his ways? Because guess what, you already know deep down that you cannot.Until you decide to leave, you are going to continue seeing him lie, cheat and live an unhealthy lifestyle. He'll run up your bills, ruin your credit, be unfaithful and blatantly lie about it -to your face-. Those are NOT the actions of a man that is "devoted" to you.He has an issue with monogamy. He needs to be with a woman who can give him an open or poly relationship comfortably.You want monogamy from him and YOU. WILL. NOT. EVER. GET. IT. He will ALWAYS be like this.You're a smart woman. Do you really want to be saddled with this nonsense for the rest of your life?
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you...."I am here to help", I cant see the woods for the trees at the moment.I am being a fool. These bad things really do outweigh the good things, although I did not list many good things.I think he is actually very depressed, and his drinking is just making everything worse.He appears to be different people. sometimes this hedonistic womaniser and seemingly charming performer whose company everyone enjoys and at other times the most sensitive, attentive and caring devoted lover.The mood swings are incredible.I know the future doesnt bode well.You helped me make sense of it, thank youlu x
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (1 July 2013):
 the smartest women in the world get stupid when it comes to men
you admit he lies to you
you admit he cheats on you emotionally at minimum and possibly physically putting your health in danger.
I will promise you that you will never trust him
you will never believe him when you catch him at something
he has always lied and will continue to do so.
is being with a guy that mistreats you and disrespects you all you want or think you deserve?
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