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male
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*alloran
writes: I am a 34 year old guy and I have fallen in love with a 32 year old woman. The problem for me is that I am feeling very insecure in this relationship.She is very beautiful and often gets admiring looks, comments, telephone numbers, and propositions from other men. This does not bother me in the sense that I fear that she will run off with one of them she seems committed to me. I do, however, feel that I am "disposable" ... If I weren't there, she'd certainly have no problem filling my shoes with someone else.My insecurity manifests itself in ways that do not please me at all. I am reaching a point of obsession, where if I have not heard from her for more than a couple of hours my stomach knots up and I have to make contact with her... even if my mind is screaming "Don't be ridiculous!!"Indeed, I seem unable to concentrate on anything else including work, friends, and family. These things seem to have almost no significance in my life now that she is here. I know that I have effectively put myself on hold for her and, although I am sure that this is detrimental, I have absolutely no inclination to do otherwise.(Even now, as I am writing this, I find myself checking my e-mail, telephone messages, for any sign of her.)I am at a loss, because I know this behavior is unreasonable and that it is causing me to lose sight of my own life. Also, the very act of being this way is tiring. I want to be free to be myself and know that she loves me as much as I love her.This is like a Catch-22 for me: the more I press for contact, the less likely she is to contact me by herself and the more insecure I feel.Help!!! I dont want to lose myself or her!
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male
reader, eddie  +, writes (16 March 2006):
 I think you're making a good choice about the therapist. And wow, it's only been two months !! You'd better cool it or you'll scare her away.
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male
reader, Palloran +, writes (16 March 2006):
Palloran is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone.
This person is very important to me and I think that I have a real issue with self-esteem and control.
In light of this, I have decided to speak to a therapist as I cannot, myself, seem to get a handle on these 'run-away' emotions.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2006): You think "Space" is the recipe for everlasting love with your girl? What I interpret from your followup is "Control", and basing your relationship on who can control it will guarantee an end to it.
Irish49 mentions trust a couple of times, but really it is only about trust, and more precisely trust in each other. When the fires of passion have died, the relationship continues only if trust rises from ashes. Therefore the test of your relationship still lies ahead.
Get over the control thing, and start working on the trust thing with your gf. You won't regret it, regardless of the outcome.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2006): Whoa...this does sound like an obssession, dear. Women actually find 'altars of worship' very uncomfortable. It can actually be smothering. Be careful, dear-soon these women will pity and resent the man who put them there. You really need to become more secure and trustful-before it does destroys your relationship.This is not about your gf. This is about you. I really feel every woman is the same. What makes a woman truely beautiful, is her partner's love for her and the fact that he loves her for the whole package not just her beauty.
The basic solution to your many irrational thoughts and fears involves starting to think with a good shot of rational thinking. You are foolishly expending so emotional energy into worrying that she's going to cheat on you. That's kind of silly, isn't it? By doing this, you're missing out on the joy of simply enjoying each other and building a good relationship together. Accept that you have absolutely no control over where she goes and what she does. Accept that other men find her beautiful. She loves you-she won't cheat. And even is she did-can you stop her? No, you can't because no one has control over another person's life. Plain and simple. So in order, to keep your head on straight--you have no 'choice' but to trust her, have faith in her loyalties to you and learn to cast aside all the niggling self-doubts or these feelings will eventually erode your relationship.
So work on yourself here. Make peace with yourself and just be proud of who she is. Don't treat her like a 'trophy' because healthy relationships are not about 'ownership and control'.Try to relax and not worry. And for goodness sakes, be honest with yourself – do you think she'll tolerate this negative behaviour..and just live with it? I hardly think so, dear. Calm down and just take this day by day. Enjoy the blessings you have in life and get those toxic feelings, in check...today. Take care
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reader, Palloran +, writes (15 March 2006):
Palloran is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much for the replies! This evening we went out together for dinner, and ended up having a bit of a fight after which I learned an important lesson.
We have an "important" date coming up in a couple of weeks. It's one of those inane things you do when you're in love. We want to mark our 2 month anniversary. (Yes, it's only been 2 months)
We were sitting at the table and, well, we are both proud people who hate losing and we have this sort of running joke that at after 2 months our time is up and it's over. It sounds stupid, but it's something that neither of us want to let go of as I think that for both of us, we dont really want to admit to each other how much we care.
We started talking about our date and she made the comment: "Well, we only have until the 27th then it's over". Now, feeling a little insecure (I was very tired too), I replied "Yes, I've been thinking about that and think that seeing as it's our last date, it's not really worth spending a lot of money so why dont we go to McDonalds." I know I shouldnt have let myself be baited like that, but sometimes I just cannot resist.
Well anyway, the "joke" continued until we had agreed playfully to cancel the date at which point she whipped out her cellphone and said: "right, I'm gonna call someone else cos I dont want to sit at home on my own that night."
At that, all my jealousy and insecurity kicked in, and I asked her if she was serious! She said that she was and proceeded to send a text message. I was devastated and deeply hurt.
She then said: "listen, if you start playing a game with me, be prepared to take it to the end."
I felt cut down.
Anyway, so we ended up fairly angry with each other. Me because I felt that she had gone too far, and her because she felt that I couldnt take a joke.
I took my train home (it's an hours journey) and fell asleep feeling quite down in the dumps. When I woke up, I found two text messages on my phone from her. The first saying that she was sorry and that it was a joke. The second asking me if I understood and why didnt I reply.
When I got off the train, I called her and said that I understood.
What did I learn? Space. Even just that hour on the train where unintentionally did not respond to her was enough. One hour and she felt terrible and that she felt she could lose me because of this.
I now believe that she loves me. I still dont understand why, but she does. She's not the kind of person who will just come out and say it - especially when I am being overbearing - but it seems to be the truth.
It's a case of actions speak louder than words, and her actions speak loudly.
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (15 March 2006):
The first two answers were excellent. I've been there before my friend and I think smeedle gave me some good advice.
My wife is a 10 too. Not just in my eyes either. She turns heads all the time. She takes it in stride. Taking telephone numners is not a great idea. I'm with you on that one. The other stuff, you should see as a compliment. After all, she's with you. The difficult part is this. When you're out with her and these things happen, it makes you feel good because she's on your arm. But you also kow when she's alone, the same thing happens and maybe even moreso because you're not there and she appears to be single. This is where you must have trust. If the relatiosnhip was meant to be, it will be.
You haven't said how long you've been with her and what level the relationship is at in her eyes.
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female
reader, smeedle  +, writes (15 March 2006):
 Wow, you really have got your self tied up in knots, you are loosing all reason and self worth and this has got to stop as you already know.
Yes your women is beautiful etc but I bet you are a fantastic person in your own right you are just loosing sight of this.
You need to read what you have wrote and have a think about why you feel so unworthy of her, she seems to like you and want a relationship with you and as you have said she could have anyone but has choosen to be with you.
You have fallen deeply in love with this woman and in so doing have placed her on a pedestal, she will have faults you know just like we all do and one day you will take off the rose tinted glasses and see she is just a normal girl who cares for you and wants an equal relationship.
Your relationship is far from equal at the moment as you are constantly contacting her and not giving her space or trust, you are pressurising her and putting the future of your relationship in jeapody.
What will be will be so if your relationship is a good one it will only get better, if it is not then it is destined to fail and non of us can see into the future so cannot predict what will happen, but one thing is certain if you continue this low self worth and lack of trust with her then you will force her hand and you will hate yourself for it.
Just let the relationship follow its natural path and start to take controle of yourself again.
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female
reader, juliagulia +, writes (15 March 2006):
 Well, you have pretty much answered your own question here. You know you need to back off, focus more on your own life, and stop being so obsessed. So what is stopping you? This is something you are going to have to work on yourself. You will lose her if you continue to suffocate her with your clinginess. People are most attracted to those who are confident with themselves and have their own lives. Do you want her to perceive you as insecure and obsessive? She won't be attracted to that for very long. You know you need to spend more time with your own friends and family and live your own life. Do not be too available to this woman if you want her in your life. For pete's sake, have a little mystery about you! Once in a while, tell her you are going out with friends and just go. Let her come to you by herself, as you said, or she is going to feel completely smothered and you will increase your chances of losing her. I know when you are in love with someone you want to be with them 24/7 and they consume your thoughts, but you have to try to push on with your own life and let her miss you a little. Try signing up for a class or workshop you are interested in or do some volunteer work. Go to the gym and work out if you are insecure about your body -- this will make you feel better about yourself and maybe you will find some confidence that way. Any of these things would help occupy some of the time you spend sitting around obsessing over her. Good luck to you!
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