A
female
age
41-50,
*mffb1
writes:I have been married 9 years and have 2 children. I fell out of love with my husband long ago. I met someone else 6 months ago and he awoke something in me i didnt know i had anymore. I haven't slept with my husband in 3 years. I have kissed and cuddled this man on a few occasions but he is just out of a marriage and is afraid of both himself and me being hurt. If we end this we lose each other completely because we can't not touch. We are very open and honest with each other we decide to just be friends but it always ends in tears for both of us when we try to part. I thought he was stronger than me but now he is torn too. What can i do? I don't want to let him go. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (11 February 2008):
 Oh yes, you're entitled to be happy, too. What's more, I would say that a healthy parent will recognize this. You need to look after your children, but they can't meet your needs. They are not meant to. All too often, the parent who self denies him or herself puts excessive pressure on the children when they want to leave the home. This isn't right.
Do find someone for you. We are fully behind you, even if it doesn't seem so. We just want you to take note of the coral reefs in these waters.
A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (11 February 2008):
Yes, good young eyeswideopen is right. Why can't you wait?
And a word of caution, dear poster. This is a general rule. Don't just settle for just anything anyone wants to give you. Maybe this is a good (if hesitant and insecure) man, one who would give treat you good; but there's a minimum every person needs to give you or the relationship isn't worth.
Follow the good advice from Eddie and eyes: do one thing at a time, and, if he loves you as much as he says he does, he will wait for you. This should give him time to solve his own issues, I guess.
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A
female
reader, emffb1 +, writes (11 February 2008):
emffb1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionmy children have been my only priority since my eldest was born 6 years ago and they always will be. i stopped living completely and only now do i realise i am a person as well as a mother and wife i am entitled to be happy too am i not?
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (11 February 2008):
 If this is true love then it can sit on the back burner until you have your life straighten out, you've got kids to think about here. If he truly loves you and you truly love him then what difference does a few months make? There are priorities here.
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A
female
reader, emffb1 +, writes (11 February 2008):
emffb1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwe have sat and talked for hours about backing off. have decided to do so and ended up in each others arms just as i go to leave his house. he was badly hurt about four months ago by a woman and he said he is over her but not over the hurt he felt. he feels he just cant give his all to me and cant chance causibg me the misery he felt. swe just have such chemitry together it is explosive and i never had that with my husband. if we end up alone together soon again i cant see us ending up not sleeping together. i have told him some of my deepest feelings i never shared before we are so comfortable together but i am afraid of pushing him tooo far. he cried the last night i tried to get him to make a decision one way or the other. he said he cant let me walk away but i deserve more than he can give./ how can i convince him all i want from him is what he can give
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (11 February 2008):
Sounds like both of you need to back off, at least until you get your lives sorted out. There will be plenty of time after the dust settles from your divorce as well as his to get a proper relationship going. Once you and your children have settled into a workable routine, with visitation etc...all worked out you will be able to ease this new man into your lives.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (11 February 2008):
We agony aunts and uncles give opinions on the basis of what people say. Sometimes the person giving the post fails to notice something, or then we give biased opinions, because in the end we're all human. I'm saying this because I know this is very important for you, and I would hate to make a mistake. I feel that we agony aunts and uncles should not call "advice" what we give here, but, rather, "opinion". Take my opinions with a grain of salt.
Let's see. You haven't slept with each other, just some kisses and cuddling. This is way less than what peeople in your situation usually do. I assume the new man knows you're divorcing your husband, and he also knows you love him. And then he says he would lie if he said he doesn't want to see you, but sees no way you can continue to meet because "someone" will get hurt. This "someone" is undefined; it could be him, his ex wife, his children, your children, your husband (soon to be ex-husband), or you. And, by the way, his putting an end to the relationship hurts you. So, the problems he sees coming, I assume, is worse than the pain he is causing you on leaving. Or, if I were a cynic, the pain of leaving affects you, while the pain of staying could hurt him.
His saying that he doesn't want to end it, but "has" to, seems a lot of bull---- to me. You see, he doesn't give a concrete answer about why he has to end it. If he said, for example, "my children hate you and my wife would make your life miserable", then he would have a point. But he is only giving you vague talk.
I suspect that the new man doesn't want the responsibility of your coming to him. I see a bad motive, and an understandable one.
The bad motive could be that he just doesn't want any strings now.
The "understandable" one is that perhaps he thinks that you will hold him responsible if things go wrong, because you're getting the courage to leave your husband only now that you have found him. He might feel he is destroying a family and that he will get into a mess. I say it's understandable, but I don't think it excuses him, as he knew what he was getting into when he cuddled and kissed you.
He is saying that he wants you, but then he's leaving you. Not good at all.
If you think your marriage isn't worth saving, then divorce no matter what, and let's hope for the best with this man.
Sometimes parents stay together because of the children. In my personal opinion, that is wrong. The children are spared many problems, except one: they get to understand that their parents don't love each other, and then the children are damaged when they find out their parents are seeing someone else but go back home every day to maintain a facade. The relationship between parents who don't love each other anymore becomes severely stressed and that damages children very seriouly, too. My personal opinion is that you should not stay with a spouse for the sake of children, but I would like others to give their opinions, too.
Be careful with this man, and be gentle and loving with your own heart, whatever happens.
Take care.
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A
female
reader, emffb1 +, writes (11 February 2008):
emffb1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe says we cant go on meeting the way we do because someone is going to end up hurt. I asked him to tell me he wants it to stop but he says he cant tell me that because it would be a lie but it cant continue. what am I suppossed to think of that?
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (10 February 2008):
I hadn't seen your updates before I posted my opinion. Well, it seems you're on your way to divorce, and your husband knows.
Try to make your divorce as amicable as possible, and, specially, as easy on your children as possible. I am of the opinion that divorces are awful, but parents can make them even worse if they aren't careful.
And then, I hope you can work things out with this new man. Since he has children, he won't put pressure on you to have any more babies. That would be a bad idea -believe me. He's also a parent, so he will understand a few things he wouldn't otherwise.
He seems unsure as to whether you love your husband or not. Which is a way to doubt your love for him. Maybe it's his own insecurities that are disturbing him.
I see you're doing what you have to do in order to stay with this new man. You sound like a fine lady, too. I wish you the best of lucks, with this man or without him.
Take much care and keep us posted if you need to.
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A
female
reader, emffb1 +, writes (10 February 2008):
emffb1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhe has 2 children whom i have met and he has met mine. not as my lover but as a friend. also he has been for coffee in my house and met my husband as a friend of a friend before anything happened between us.he asks me everytime we meet do i love my husband and i always answer no. it is him i love very deeply but he thinks he is only capable of hurting me.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (10 February 2008):
My opinion:
It seems clear that your marriage is beyond the point of no return: it's been three years without any intimate contact with your husband. That doesnt' happen easily. I wonder if your husband hasn't slept with anyone else; I honestly doubt it. The question that comes to my mind is, why have you two, your husband and you, not ended it? You've obviously found a point where it is "comfortable", in a way, to stay as you are. Or, no one has made a move just yet.
I know putting an end to a marriage is not an easy thing. But I think the question is in order, anyways. What keeps you there? What keeps your husband there?
I assume this new man knows you're not in love with your husband but with him. His saying that he's afraid that both you and him will end up hurt makes me feel uneasy. He sees a risk in his getting involved with you. I wonder what that risk is. He just came out of marriage. Maybe he's not really willing to get into another relationship at the moment?
This is an important question because you need to know where you really stand. Can you really expect him to commit to you?
Eddie said it right. you need to finish one thing before starting another. So, you need to think whether you would stay married or not, even if he were not near you. And, if you think there's no way you can stay married, then you can think about the other guy.
You need to think about how he would get along with your children, and maybe how you would get along wit his children, if he has any. I assume that this relationship is somewhat clandestine; I don't think he's met your family or anything.
By the way, I do take notice that you havent's slept with this other man. I suppose this is your principles that have prevented it from happening. I don't think he would have missed the chance.
I don't really have anything to back this remark, but I would like you to be careful. We all need love, and a person without love is like a flower pot without water: it's easy to see in how bad a need they are. You need to be sure that this is not that he's trying to sleep with you. Or, that this is not simply his rebound. If you left your marriage, your bet would be very high; he has already made his bet. He wouldn't lose anything if he wanted to be with you. This is what makes me feel uneasy about his saying that he doesn't want any of you to to be "hurt".
Maybe he truly loves you. But I think you should love him "blindly, leaving one eye wide open", as a person advised me to do. Does he have any children? What kind of a father is he to his children? How willing would he be to become the father figure for your children? I think you get the point. You need to figure out exactly where you stand.
Why do you have to let him go? You don't mention how or why you came to the conclusion that you should just be friends. I'm curious about it.
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A
female
reader, emffb1 +, writes (10 February 2008):
emffb1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni have been looking for the courage to end it for a long time now and only realised since meeting this other man that there is more to life. i have told my husband it is over and we are in the process of sorting finances etc for him to be able to move out.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (10 February 2008):
 You didn't mention what work you did on your marriage when you realized you were falling out of love. What steps did you take? If you stand back and look at your situation, it unfolds like all the others. Sometimes people pass the point of no return, you may be there. It's difficult to save something you don't really desire.
You should have been honest a while ago and dealt with the problem at hand, your marriage, instead of creating another issue. Now you'll have to deal with both. Honesty is the best policy. I'm not sure if the fact you haven't' slept with him is even a key point. To many people, the fact you wanted to or that you desired the closeness you had while cuddling is almost more hurtful than sex.
End one thing before you start another.
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