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female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hello I've been browsing this site recently to see if I can get an answer to my problem. I'm in a relationship with someone I love I guess I would call him the love of my life so far. I've been with him a few years now but it is very up and down due to his moods. I've been very stressed about this and I want to ask what people think about this question: Is it better to stay and stick it out but be stressed out like I am now or is leaving or having a break and being sad and missing him the better option. Neither option is going to be good but what is the lesser of two evils? Can't live with him can't live without him. He also refuses to move in together because he got 'stung' before by his ex wife and is scared of losing half his assets again. Any advice/suggestions? I'm stressed out with him but happy sometimes and when we break up which happens on and off, then I feel lost and miss him. I love him a lot but his behaviour has been very bad. He has not hit me but has been verbally abusive. The stress of my relationship has made me unwell lately but then I feel stressed about breaking up or having a trial separation too? I need to know what is best for my stress levels and health. I feel stuck. Could really do with some objective advice and have seen some good answers to other people on this site.
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male
reader, Aurora Borealis  +, writes (24 May 2011):
Dear fellow traveler;You have received several good replies, let me add my 2cents if you allow...first of all; I take for granted that you live in an area where you have availability to different health-care options; could I suggest you go to see a manual therapist as well as looking for a prayer/meditation group to find help in centering yourself? Stress can DEFINITELY take a bigger toll than anything... and certainly it does not make us feel attractive---!secondly, start looking for things to do that is in line with your "core" self - be it cooking, gardening, reading, outdoor activities, helping disabled children, watching films... anything that makes you feel good about yourself, bring you in contact with fun and interesting people and get your focus away from the worries that haunts you...next: sit back and watch as Your Man unfruitfuly tries to manipulate you into a rage/crying outburst/ whatever and get a b l a n k look on his face... when he softens and try to get you onto his things softly respond but be firm and above all!!! Nice!! It is your relationship and nobody can tell you what to do whether leave or stay, but my little guess is that after taking care of yourself in a nurturing way for a while whe will come out either as a friend or foe... and by then you will know yourself what you want. good luck! Aurora
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female
reader, Aunty Pol  +, writes (14 June 2010):
Everyting can be sorted if you can answer a few questions. Do you KNOW that he really loves you or does he just need you? Have you created a situation where you have made him need you by being his everything? If you leave would be realize that he cant live without you and do something about it?
Been there done that, step back, take another - we all want/need the same things, as you try harder you will become less and less of who you are. Do yourself a favour start planning to leave. Take your time, but leave, it might be possible to be friends, but you should be your own best friend, and Im not sure you are listening to yourself.
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reader, Kelleyte +, writes (13 May 2010):
I know what you are feeling and can completely empathise. I have been in a relationship for three years with a man that I love dearly but who has problems expressing his feelings due to being incarcerated for 9 years. He has other issues that obviously led up to his being incarcerated, but unfortunately due to his past history he has chosen to be self sufficient and his favorite saying is "Trust no Man". I am in my fourties and am still fighting the fact that it's okay to be alone. Self love is the first thing to hang onto and also being at peace. What is most important for you in this situtation is to let go and be at peace. Just allow yourself to be grounded in who you are and have the faith that whatever is meant to be will be. Sounds corney but when you can let go and quit depending on another person for your self worth and peace things get easier. You no longer have to worry if he is out with another woman, you no longer have to worry that he doesnt love you etc. etc. Love is the joining of two people that want the same thing, mutually. They care about the person they are with but in the end they care about making certain they are healthy and stable in order to bring to the relationship what is needed. It sounds like the man you are with needs to heal and isnt able to give you what you think you need from him, but really do you need anything from him? - Are you dependent on him for money or a place to stay? It doesnt sound like it from what you have written. - Will you die or be less of a person if he isnt with you? From what you have stated it sounds like you have your act together.Your asking a question to others for an answer that only you know the answer for.The real question is, do you love yourself enough and trust in yourself enough to let go of the unknown and just have faith?You cant control anyone else, all you have power over is what you do and how you react. Why not just do what you want to do and if he wakes up and is willing to share life with you so be it. If not he wasnt worth your time and in the meantime you havent given up your happiness waiting for him to wake up. Plus you dont become an excuse for him to continue his inability to face up to his own insecurities that he needs to heal to be healthy.Be at peace.....Kell
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reader, sugar_sugar +, writes (11 February 2008):
 When you break up sometimes is it him you are missing, or the benefits of the relationship? (Companionship, affection etc)I'm young so my experience is very limited, but love and being suited to one another are very different things.A good relationship should enable you to like AND love the person, as well as like and respect yourself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2008): I can understand you situation partially. I was once in a relationship that made me stressed. When I knew she was about the arrive from work, I'd begin to get stressed. She wasn't verbally abusive, just her normal tongue. It wasn't addressed to me , it was just the way she was when she herself was stressed because of work. I finally asked her to leave.
Compromise! If he is worried about being milked again, then releave the stress and tell him you'll sign an agreement that what is his is his and what is yours is yours and what you get together is both of yours.
It sounds like he is still stressed from past wrongs.
Communication is important, and you need to tell him how you feel, and then permit him to open up and discuss his feelings then respect them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2008): I think you should now give careful condiseration to all the feedback. In order for you to have no doubts about your action try to talk to him about all the points made in the feedback - give him the chance to respond to all your issues and concerns especially the positive feelings you have for him. You have nothing to lose. If he is not interested to communicate with you it will tell you he does not have the same will to make things work between you. There will come a point when you are sure what is the right course of action but alternatively you could set a time limit to how long you are prepared to try and improve life with him. If at the end of this time things have not changed then you will be able to make a more confident choice to walk away.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2008): Thanks everybody for your answers. Yes he is very sore indeed about his divorce and says he wants his money for himself and does not want to get 'shafted' again! etc etc .. Also it does not help when some of his colleagues say things to him like 'don't get married again it happened to me twice' etc etc .. He had a very negative relationship with his ex wife and I think he thinks I am an extension of her, ie a bad person/woman who wants to get what I can out of him. This however is untrue and I find it very hurtful indeed. He says he would rather live alone than risk any of this happening again and he is generally angry and cynical about life and women. I met him whilst his divorce was actually going through so I got the brunt of a lot of the stress from it and supported him through it but now he says things like 'you did nothing for me' etc etc .. He has a tendency to blame people for his bad behaviour by saying that they have annoyed him rather than looking at his own issues and this is a bone of contention between us. It is all very stressful. I have also on the other hand been very close to him and seen him as a sort of anchor so it is quite scary letting go of him and I often wonder how someone to whom I was so close and who could be so loving to me, could equally act in the cold callous and rude way that he does. I'm probably not being very strong but it is quite a problem for me. I feel torn every which way.
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reader, Cateyes +, writes (10 February 2008):
 I'm not sure how long it was before he met you after divorcing his spouse, but, it almost sounds as if he is still sore about the whole past issue...because he "had" to give up half his assets. That is "normally" what happens when people divorce and when he met you, he may have, and I hate to say it like this, "just" needed someone and you were it and eventually became his girlfriend. Of course, I could always be wrong. Before any person should get in a relationship, they should be completely over all the past "issues", because that is what they normally bring into the next....and the cycle repeats itself in one way or another. Sad part is, you, are hurting because he is bringing that non-resolved cycle back in....because he doesn't want to lose any assets "again". What does that say about your relationship now then? He's already preplanning it to happen? Is that how he see's you?
Like what has been mentioned...any form of abusive is not healthy for anyone. And when it's in the relationship, someone needs to bring it up and state that it's not healthy and if he does not want to do anything about it...I suggest leaving whether it's a trial separation or permanent to see if things can change for the better in time and if does impact him in some way. There you should hopefully find your answer.
It hurts to even think about losing someone you love, but sometimes, it is for the best. We may not see it now, but in the long run you will. The hardest part is letting go...you feel like there is no one else on this planet that you could possibly love in that way. There will be...and, hopefully, it will be THE ONE that treats you with love and affection, loyalty and where you are able to communicate effectively. Communication is the key to any relationship....and in all honesty.
I think personally, you already know what you want to do, it's just hard to do it. You have so much love in your heart....and it's hard to let go.
My heart goes out to you, and I wish you all the best!
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2008): Totally agree with Kelja.
I would add that any abuse in a relationship is not good, be it verbal, mental or physical. You'd be better off finding someone more in tune with your requirements, and I doubt this guy is that person.
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reader, dearkelja +, writes (10 February 2008):
 There is a gage to relationships and to me if this guy is making you so stressed out that it is affecting your health then it is not a good relationship for you. If you are enduring breaks from time to time it seems to me that you are going through what you need to for a break but over and over again. Just severe the tie once and for all and be done with it. I really think you will be happier if you can just get past the missing him, lonely stage.
I am also concerned that he has the once burned feeling and I really don't think he has a positive/healthy image of a relationship. His negative feelings of his divorce will prevent him from involving himself again so maybe if this is what you want you need to come to the realization that you will not have it with him.
I am reminded of a song by Patty Smyth and Don Henley "Sometimes Love Just Aint Enough" and it seems the song is appropriate for your situation. When you have to look at something as the lesser of two evils it's not a good choice. How about looking at it as the rainbow after the storm has passed. There is a good man out there who will give you what you need. Get a list of what you want from a relationship and compare it to what you are getting. I think you'll find you are not getting enough of what you need.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2008): In my opinion, neither is better or worse, it is what's more suitable. And it sounds like in your situation, having a break would be the most suited option to take. I mean, it's hard either way, but when you have a break, it's respecting yourself more. As they say, ''Absence makes the heart grow fonder'', and through a break, he could realise how much of a big mistake he's making by upsetting you, and your relationship could be so much healthier through it.
You sound like you really need and would like a break, so have one. Life is for living, and not for stressing out about things that could be sorted. So try breaking up for a short while, and you never know, you may find a whole new perspective on things.
Good luck :]
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